Tuesday, January 24, 2012

It's Time, But Sadly Distracted =(

So, the time I have been waiting for what seems like a lifetime is here... It's baby making week and I have been charting for months leading up to this point.  I have never been so in tune with my body; I can time that big ovulation moment down to the hour it takes place. No joke!!  However, these past couple days have been the worst days of my life...

My little baby, Max, has hit a difficult time in his life and to make a long story short, something is wrong.  He began experiencing seizure like behavior over the past several days (nothing intense, just uncontrollable eye movements along with zoning out) but they seem to be getting more frequent.  He spent all day and night in the emergency room doing blood work, x-rays, and ct scans.  The poor guy is only 3 years old and has to go through even more in the next few days.  At first, the doctor expected a brain bleed from a huge head injury from 2 months ago, but the ct scan came back normal.  We went to his pediatrician today and we are now taking so many precautions to solve this problem.  We go in to the pediatric neurologist tomorrow for more evaluations and testing, including an EEG which scares me to death =(. This is just so hard thinking your child is completely healthy one day, and then the next day you just have no clue what's wrong.  I know I may not get answers any time soon, but until then please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. 

Mommy loves you, Monkey!!!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Big Decision in the Next 9 Months...

9 months OR SO... no, not pregnant just yet but definitely in the trying stages.  I never thought the big S-E-X was going to be such a chore, but it just isn't as easy as it used to be.  Don't worry, we are still having fun while trying and we have very high hopes of delivering a big healthy baby in 2012.

Now that I see my 3rd and last baby in our very near future, I have a very big decision to make.  I really want to decide whether or not my "shop" is closed; am I done having babies??  The reason I need/want to make this decision before the next baby comes is because I think getting my tubes tied during my c-section would be the best thing to do if I am done.  A tubal will just make the whole permanent birth control a done deal and neither my husband and I will need to be worried about him getting a vasectomy or me having to go back in for something else.  I SUCK at taking any sort of prescription birth control and I know there are other options, but I really just feel like if they are already "in there", then why not!

I think I am positive that 3 kids complete my family, no matter what the gender may be.  It already scares me enough that bringing a 3rd child into our home will then make more kids then parents, but I am up for the challenge.  A party of 5 just seems perfect for us =).  But, I am still so young and will only be 28 (hopefully) when this baby comes... I have quite a few years ahead of me for healthy baby making age and even though I will be done I don't know if I feel okay with the fact that I CAN'T even though I DON'T WANT TO.  Make sense??

So, is there another surrogacy journey in my future or should I just count my blessings and be thankful that my triplet pregnancy ended well after many rough challenges?  Gosh, I really go back and forth on this and I don't know whether or not I will ever fully decide.  On one hand, being a surrogate was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, but on the other hand I have never felt like more of a failure as a mother to my children then I did during those months of struggling with carrying triplets.  Some say to me, "You did once; you fulfilled your dream. Why do you need to do it again?"  Well, I guess only us surrogates can really relate to the answer to this question; it is absolutely unexplainable.  Yes, I went into my 1st and only journey planning on it being a one time experience, but that day in the delivery room changed my life.  I could go on for days about the pros and cons of the whole thing, but a surro friend of mine (whom also carried triplets) put it very clear for me; "I would have loved to do another surrogacy, but I feel like I should be grateful things worked out the way they did and I cannot possibly ask my family to go on that ride again."

She is right... my family comes first.  I cannot risk carrying triplets again and putting my children and husband through what I did in order to get through that pregnancy.  Yes, we all survived through it and it was only a temporary thing, but those were 32 weeks that I can never relive.  When I look at the cons, all that keeps flashing in my mind is being in the delivery room after the girls were out and hearing the doctors and nurses yelling, running around to save my life.  Losing 20 times the normal amount of blood was not only scary for me, but gave my husband the worst feeling he has ever experienced.  I would NEVER wish that for us again. Ever.

I think if my surrogacy pregnancy was much different, maybe carrying just a singleton with little to no problems, this wouldn't be much of an issue.  But, that's not the case; I was the less-then-1% where both embryos took and one split.  If it happened once, it definitely could happen again.

So, I guess my rambling is done for today, but the thoughts in my mind will never stop.  I am sure people will tell me to not make any decision until I am fully decided, but I don't think I will ever feel like I made the right decision either way.  As of today, I am leaning towards the tubal.  Tomorrow, who knows?!?  I know I don't have to make this decision, but I WANT to.  I WANT my mind to be made up.  Hopefully I will get preggo very soon because for some reason my mind during pregnancy is very logical.  Really, it is.  Usually it is the opposite for most women, but as the belly gets bigger I become some damn rocket scientist... I definitely outsmart the hubby which really scares him =).

I don't mind hearing any input or thoughts on this!!

*****Guess my pre-baby ignorance shined through, but I am aware I could become a gestational surrogate still after a tubal... thanks for the one who pointed that out!! But in a way, a tubal will symbolize an end of a chapter for me; an I'm done, let me have my body back thing. If I feel like I can't get pregnant the natural way, then I feel I can finally move on and start living my life without beginning more. But, I'm afraid surrogacy will always linger in my mind since it will be possible =).

And getting a tubal for me gives me a ticket to a much needed tuck and lift =). No babies allowed after that!!