Good-Bye, Baby Itch!!

Sorry in advance for the rambling =)  I tend to do that a lot!  

It has been a few weeks since I have last posted.  The girls are doing amazingly well.  They are about 7 months old now!!  I know, I can't believe it.  They are continuing to be the most chunkiest and cutest things ever!  They have been eating lots of yummy vegetables and really starting to move around.  Last I heard, they were almost off the charts for growth!!  And this is comparing them to full term babies.  This makes me so happy to hear and I am so glad that they all are growing so much.  It's amazing how well they are doing for being triplets born at 32 weeks.  AMAZING!!

So, I want to continue to blog even though I am technically not a surrogate anymore and my journey may seem to be over for now.  I see a lot of blogs that just end because the babies came, life went on.  But, I want people to see how life really is after.  For me, my journey is never really over.  The girls and my IP's will always be apart of my life and I really am lucky for that.  So, I will do my best to keep posting about my feelings and experiences that pertain to surrogacy and maybe give people a better idea of how life is after surrogacy.  Who knows?!?  Maybe I'll have another surrogate story to tell in the near future...

Okay, not too near.  Remember shortly after having the girls I had this never ending baby itch??  I wasn't sure whether I felt a need to have my own child or get into another surrogacy right away.  Something happened after I had the girls and I really needed to fill that void.  Maybe it was the hormones.  Maybe it was the fact that I was pregnant with 3 one day, and babyless the next.  Or maybe I really was ready to have another baby of my own and being a surrogate really triggered those feelings.  Well, whatever it was, I am glad I did not listen to my heart and really used my head on this one.  As bad as I wanted to be pregnant again right away, I knew deep down that it was not the best time for me, physically or emotionally, and I hoped that the feelings would just go away.  I fought with myself everyday, fighting the baby itch.  It was definitely a rough few months, but I got through it.

Sitting here now, I am so proud of the decision I made.  I am glad I did not make that decision to either become a surrogate again or add another child to my life.  I did go through many emotionally ups and downs over the past year, and it got me to where I am today.  I am a completely happy and satisfied person.  My life is finally simple and I love just being a normal family, whatever "normal" means.  For once, my husband and I aren't surprising family members with new jobs, new home, or new babies (ours or a complete strangers!).  I enjoy being myself and not having to be responsible for another life or lives inside of me.  I have the most energy I have ever had in my life!!  I am taking care of my body and it really is showing.  I love running around with my kids and them being my first priority.  As a family, we are stable.  We are simple.  We are happy.  I owe it to my children and husband to maintain this happiness.  I put them through hell the past year and I now owe it to them to be the most loving and caring mom that I can be.

For those of you just starting out in your surrogacy journey or are really considering starting a journey, please take in to consideration your entire family and their needs.  I really thought I was doing it at the perfect time; because my boys were so young I assumed that was the best.  I knew they would be less involved, asking fewer questions, and not getting emotionally attached.  I never really thought about how that would effect my role as their mother.  Never.  Well, who really thought I was going to carry triplets?!?  Not me!!!  No way!  But, the experience unfortunately made me a person I grew to hate for those 7 months.  I hate looking back on the person I became; I was angry, frustrated, hopeless, short-tempered, unloving, and wanted nothing more to end what I was doing so that my kids would not have to see me that way anymore.  Nothing could have changed the way I became, nothing.  I was pregnant with triplets, who were not even mine, and it definitely took a toll on not only me, but my loved ones.  My kids' lives were destroyed, their behavior was uncontrollable.  All of the things I had worked on with them since they were born (schedules, behavior, respect, etc.) was vanished.  They were not the same kids.  During my pregnancy, I had to seek help of a child behaviorist because I saw things falling apart, day by day, and there was nothing I could do.  She worked with me to save my family.  She informed me that it takes 21 days for a child to adapt or un-adapt to a certain behavior.  Their mommy was gone, yet still present, and they really were not at a level where they could handle the sudden and unfair change.  What hurt me the most was my youngest one; he was only 18 months old when I got pregnant.  He was still a baby.  He needed his mommy more than anything, but yet I could not offer the unconditional love he needed.  My oldest always looked at me and asked, "Are you still sick, mommy?"  I hated hearing that question everyday; he clearly knew something was not right and he wished I would just magically feel better =(  BUT, all of these issues did eventually come to end, although I missed out on moments I cannot bring back.  Finally, 7 months later, I have finally put the pieces back together, slowly but surely. My husband was very helpful and supportive and I couldn't have done it without him.  They are now just as behaved, if not more, than they were before surrogacy.

So, I hope that mumble jumble of my experience puts things in perspective for some of you.  It's not just about you fulfilling your dream to become a surrogate anymore.  You have a family to look after and they should be your #1 priority at all times.  Before making any decisions, think about them.  Think about every possible thing that may happen.  What will bed rest do to you??  No, not to YOU, but to your FAMILY??  And, just be prepared.  Don't rush.  Take your time.

With all that said, I know I am not ready for another pregnancy right now, mine or not.  For years and years, when I looked at a baby, I fell in love and wanted nothing more than to have my own or another one.  But now when I see an infant, those feelings are nowhere to be found!!  For once in my life, I am the one saying no to having another baby right now while my husband is the one requesting one!!  I NEVER thought that was EVER going to happen.  Sorry, honey, shop is closed for repairs =)  And repairing is exactly what my body needs to do right now.  I FINALLY stopped bleeding and clotting.  Yes, almost 7 months postpartum.  Can you believe that?!?  Ugh!!  That was a pain in my a%$, or something else =)  That's what having triplets does to you and there is no way I want to experience that recovery again.

So, what's the plan??  Well, I plan to try to get pregnant with my third child, and very last one, in 2 years.  I'm a religious pill taker until then =)  And becoming a surrogate again is a question I get asked weekly and I really don't have an answer.  Maybe??  I just don't know.  I think the only way I would consider it is if a close friend or family member needed a surrogate or if my IP's want to try again... could you imagine another set of triplets?!?  Okay, I just had a mini heart attack!!  But, until then, I am living my life for me and my family and being the best mom and wife I can be!!

Oh, and my weight loss challenge has almost come to an end.  Since January 11th (I know, random day), I have lost 23 pounds!!  I have 7 more to go, but I am not sure if I will get there by May 2nd.  I will come very close though.  I am sure you all are excited to see before and after pics!!  I am!! Look out for those very soon.

I'll leave you with some pics of MY family...

Me and the hubby, with Jackson (left) and Max (right)

My birthday dinner... Yikes, I am the big 2-7!!! 

Me and my Jackson, who is 3 1/2

Cameron and Max (2  1/2) who are inseparable

I LOVE him!!!  

Dodgers Opening Day (we survived =)!  I remember the last year I was preggo

with the triplets and it was a LONG, tiring day for me.

BUT, this year I got to drink a beer!!

Me and Jack

He is the cutest little guy ever!!  Come on, admit it =)

These 2 are the best things that have ever happened to me and I am so blessed

to be their mommy =)

Prayers and Hope for Linus...

I am so glad that my husband introduced me into this whole blogging thing and encouraged me to share my surrogacy journey with so many people out there.  I love how many people it has introduced me to, how much support I have received, and how many people I was able to help through their struggling time as well.

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I got all sorts of followers who then opened the door for me to follow their journeys as well.  One amazing couple that I was so intrigued with from the very beginning was Robbie and Trina, A Story of Two Moms.  They are 2 amazing women, who also struggled with infertility, but so fortunately gave birth to triplet boys soon after I had the girls.  Their pregnancy was only a few weeks behind mine and I found it really helpful to hear another woman's thoughts and feelings towards a triplet pregnancy.  Although their story wasn't surrogate related, it still gave me the support I needed since triplet pregnancy isn't as popular as your average surrogate pregnancy.

So, why I am writing about this??  Well, one of their little boys, Linus, is not doing well at all and has been struggling since birth.  He is worse off now than ever before.  I won't attempt to explain the entire story because it is very heartbreaking, but if you have the time, read their blog and show your support.  I think about this family quite often and everyday I go to check up on their blog for a new post, I just hold my breath hoping there will be some good news.

It is so amazing how much time and thought I have invested with complete strangers.  Blogging really creates these wonderful relationships that are impossible to part from.  I feel like I know my followers and readers so well and they all are important to me in some way or another.  I will never stop blogging!!

My IP's were the ones who actually "introduced" our blogs to one another.  Their hearts break for them and it honestly is a constant reminder of how fortunate they are to have 3 healthy girls.  Having triplets is a risky thing and you never really know what bad things might happen until they do.  They cannot be thankful enough that the worst thing they are struggling with right now is teething.  We couldn't have had a more perfect outcome.

So, whatever you can do, please do.  If you read their latest post, there are many ways you can show your support.  You can just simply pray (if you are a prayer), donate, spread the word, or even post this cute little button (in the right column) or this picture (below) on your blog.

Thinking of you, Linus!!

Visit with the Triplets! Warning... lots of pics!!!

Yay!!  I went to visit my surro triplets yesterday and I had sooo much fun!!!  I cannot believe how big they are.  Yes, I know, babies do grow and I always make mention at how much they are growing, but these babies are HUGE!!!!  Looking at them, you would never guess they were born at 32 weeks just 6 months ago.  These girls are chunkier than your average sized full term baby.  I LOVE me some chunky babies and it makes me happy to think that I had a lot to do with that =)  Geez, there is some potent stuff in this breast milk of mine!!  I really honestly think I carry around a gold mine with me.  Not only did I have the world's heaviest and healthy boys, but I plumped up 3 preemies all at once.  Go me!!!

My mom and my sister got to share this special moment with me and they fall in love with the girls more and more every visit.  Who wouldn't?!?  Not only do they bond so well with the girls, but they LOVE my IP's.  I am so grateful for how everything played out after the birth of the girls; I have gained a special family which I can share with my own family.  It really is just a crazy, fun time when we all get together.  LOVE it!!!

The girls were quite overwhelmed when we first got there.  Since it is still RSV season, they don't get out much nor have many visitors at home.  I think we are the most entertainment they have so far =)  If you know my family, we aren't the quietest people, so I think we gave the girls a little shock when we came in the house.  It did take them a minute to get comfortable with the extra chaos, but soon enough we all got our hands on them for baby time.

Miss May

My mommy with May

Lily Pies

My sister, Cassie, with Lily

Eve

Me and Eve

May (I think =)

Lily, in a cranky mood from teething =(

Hey chunks!!

Identicals- Eve (top) and May

Lily giving me kisses =)

Making Lily smile

Mom with May

Mom with May, Cassie with Eve, and me with Lily

Saying our good-byes

Good-night, Girls!!

Don't you just love them?!?  Well, we had an awesome visit.  While we were there, my IP's told me that they are going to stay down here in Southern California until at least July!!!  That means this didn't have to be my last visit.  As you can tell, they all are doing great and only growing more and more.  I can't wait to see them again.

6 Months Old!!

Wow, are you kidding me?!?  Has it really been 6 months since I had my surro girls??  I really can't believe that Lily, Eve, and May are already half way to 1 year old!!  Happy 6 months, girls!!!

I get photo updates quite often, but I think it had been a couple weeks since the one before this one.  It had to have been because they look so much different!!  Their hair is really starting to darken and their eyes lighten.  Love it!!!  And don't you love how round and chunky those bellies look??  I'm proud to say that I had a lot to do with that =)

I can't wait to see them on Sunday.  It has been about 3 months since my last visit, so I know I will be so amazed at how much they've changed.  Pictures can only describe so much!! 

Now that I have had months to recover (and well on my way to getting my body back), I've really had a chance to go back on forth whether I am ready for another pregnancy (surrogacy or my own) or not.  I remember shortly after having the triplets, I really felt that baby itch.  Of course the mind has no idea how to react when the body is pregnant with triplets, not taking any home, and then pumping breast milk for months on end without actually breast feeding a baby.  I think my hormones were making me yearn for a baby and replace what my body felt was missing.  I tried so hard to fight my urge to get pregnant again right away, and it was not easy.  Now that I am looking back on the past 6 months, and clearly over the baby itch, I am glad I listened to my mind and not my hormones.  I know I am not physically or emotionally ready to have another baby, whether it is a surrogacy or another one of my own.  And, because I am just doing fantastic on this whole road to my ideal bikini body thing, I really LOVE not being pregnant for once in my life.  I love being able to look cute and comfortable in any and all clothing now.  I love being able to have a glass of wine once in a while and eat sushi anytime I want.  And most of all, I LOVE my daily trips to Starbucks =)  I know how a lot of surrogates feel out there when their journey is over and they feel so anxious to begin another one right away.  But, I want to tell you that these feelings do end and soon enough you will understand that you can't be a surrogate forever.  You need to experience those months of emotions where you feel very alone and unappreciated.  Don't get me wrong; I still think about being a surrogate again all the time and continuously ponder about what my next IP's will be like (if that time does ever come).  But, those emotions are definitely controllable now and I am appreciating the simple things in life in the moment.

So, when do I think I will try for another pregnancy??  Well, we are really planning for only one more baby to complete our family (that's all I can get out of the husband =).  We don't want to wait forever because we would like our kids to be all close in age (our boys are 15 months apart) and we really want to have all our babies before we hit 30 (yes, I still have a few more years in my 20's =).  So, the plan is to try for another baby in 2 years.  And, if anyone has the recipe for making a girl, I would LOVE to hear it!!!  Is that too much to ask after delivering 3 girls for someone else???  We will see!!

After having our third baby, and having a total of 6 kids (wow!!), I am not sure whether I will be a surrogate again or not.  My body is limited on c-sections; I have already had 2, but my OB said I could take 2 more during the delivery of the girls.  But, it all depends on how my next one goes and whether or not that doctor determines if I am physically able to do a total of 4 c-sections or not.  And besides that issue, I have to get my husband on board as well.  He was NOT a fan of what went on when I delivered the girls.  The amount of blood that I was losing in the delivery room and the fact that I really was dying does not settle well with him and those moments gave him the scare of his life (mine too, but in the moment I demanded more drugs so that I didn't have to continue to hear the panicky chaos in the room).  So, as of today, I am not saying whether I will be a surrogate again or not.  I do have several more years of child bearing days ahead of me, so the decision definitely does not need to be made any time soon.  Right now I am really happy with my life as it is today and I am appreciating all of the small things that I may have overlooked in the past few years.

The End is Here...

As of last Thursday, pumping breast milk for my surro girls came to an end.

It was my ultimate goal to make it to March 2nd, when they turned 6 months old, but I think I made it pretty close!!  Throughout my 5 1/2 months of pumping, the girls never went one day without breast milk.  As you may remember, I was pumping an extreme amount in the beginning and my supply stayed pretty high throughout my time pumping.  I never knew I could maintain a milk supply such as this without actually breast feeding.  It's all about supply and demand and boy did we demand tons of milk from these boobs!!!  In the past several weeks, things definitely changed.  I'm sure it had a lot to do with my changing diet. 

I remember how much I ate as soon as the girls were born.  I think I ate 4 times as much after delivery than I did when I was pregnant.  I was soooo hungry all of the time!!  I couldn't eat enough cheeseburgers and ice cream =)  This helped my supply A LOT!!!  But, then things needed to change and I owed it to myself to get healthy and work on that body that I deserved.  I reduced my caloric intake, stopped consuming dairy products, and ate very small frequent meals.  I don't think the boobs liked this very much.  I did my best and pumped as often and as much as I could.  But, something had to give.  So, as hard as it was, I had to retire the good 'ol Medela.

I didn't know how hard it was going to be.  Yes, pumping can become a pain in the butt; I couldn't go to bed until it was done, I had to wake up 30 minutes earlier to pump before I left the house, and if I was gone for a long period of time I had to arrange to pump in public or deal with huge leaking breasts!!!  On the other hand, it was somewhat of a reality...

Now that I am completely done with pumping, I feel that this surrogacy journey is over.  Now that I am finished helping out my IP's in growing 3 beautiful babies, I am not needed anymore.  The job of a surrogate is over.  It is sad to think that there isn't a connection with us anymore and they don't need to rely on me for a thing.  Their lives are now going on without me.  However, the journey of me watching them grow isn't over and I hope I will always be apart of their lives. 

I have to say that I am one of the lucky surrogates out there.  As you head into a journey, you never know and are never guaranteed what life will be like after delivery.  There are very few surrogates out there who wish to part and never speak with their IP's, but I have never met someone who wishes this.  Most of the women I have met wish there would be more contact after the baby/babies are born.  Many times these women are led to believe that there will be a continuous relationship between them and the new family and that contact will remain as often as it is during pregnancy.  But, the reality is, this fails to happen more often than we wish.  And that is very hard for some women to accept.  I feel for them and I can't even think what it would be like if my IP's weren't as welcoming into their lives as they are.  Contact between them and myself has decreased quite a bit since the early weeks of the girls' life and I am sure it will more now that I am not pumping anymore, but I think the gradual shift helped out a lot.  Nowadays we usually email about once a week and I get occasional photos or even video clips.  I am never ignored and if I want to email or text and just ask what the girls are up, they will be very quick to respond.  They are like family to me now and I am so thankful for that.

I know they won't be down here in Southern California forever.  The plan is for them to return home before summer, so I need to take advantage of them while they're here =)  So, my next visit will be on March 6th!!  I'm so excited!!  My mom and sister get to come along too; they have been just as welcomed into their lives as I have and I think the whole dynamic is just fascinating!!  My mom and sister sure have come a long way in this journey with me and they love my IP's and the girls VERY much!!  I have been blessed with an almost perfect journey!!

So, there will be pics of the girls to come in a couple weeks and I'm sure you can't wait!!  As of today, 6 weeks into my fitness training, I have lost 17 pounds!!  I finally reached the weight I was BEFORE my very FIRST PREGNANCY with Jackson!!  And I'm not stopping there... I want to go all the way and lose 11 more pounds.  I will definitely share my secrets to my success in a later post and hopefully by June I will be brave enough to post before and after pics!!! 

Workin' It!!

All I can say is... so far, I have lost 15 pounds in 5 weeks!!!

I am so excited.  And after having triplets, and a total of 5 babies in 3 1/2 years, I never thought I would get the body back that I had when I got married.  But, I am proving myself so wrong!!

I just bought my yellow bikini that I will hang up so that I can be even more determined.  I'm more than half way there... 13 more pounds to go!!

Go me!!! 

On baby news... I just got a video clip of the girls' first time eating baby food.  I can't believe how much they are growing and how fast time is going.  I'm really starting to miss all of them, so a visit is definitely needed sooner rather than later =)

Happy Trans-versary!!

Well, today marks a very special day for me... exactly a year ago today, we had our BIG transfer and started growing 3 beautiful baby girls.  The day is still so clear to me and I can't believe it has been a year already. 

I remember that our transfer was originally scheduled for Superbowl Sunday.  We had to be in the fertility clinic pretty early in the morning.  As my husband and I were heading out the door, the phone call came that postponed the transfer for another day.  Are you serious?!?  That was the worst thing ever!!  I was so mentally prepared for the whole thing and anticipating it all.  I had childcare set up and my husband finally accepted that he had to cancel his big football plans.  But, the embryos weren't perfect just yet and another day of them sitting would make them A+ embryos.  The decision was made to wait until the following morning.  Man was I frustrated!!!

So, the next morning came.  LA traffic, I hate you!!!  It took over 2 hours to get to the clinic, which should have only took one.  I was so frustrated by the time I got to the office, but I tried to calm myself down before the transfer took place.  We waited what seemed like forever.  My IP's were there and they were so excited.  My husband was more nervous than all of us; not only was his wife getting implanted with someone else's embryos, but he also had to report to an interview the same morning with PepsiCo which ended up changing our lives!! 

The procedure was pretty easy for me, no pain.  I sat laying down for a couple hours, the bed reclined so that my feet were higher than my head.  I was then told I could go to the bathroom and go home to my 24 hours of bed rest.  I was so nervous to go pee!!!  I just thought I might pee those embryos right out!!  But, I had already held it in long enough so I did my best not to push anything too hard down there =)  From the office to the car, to the car to my bed, I walked with my legs as closed as I could!!  I know this sounds silly, but I really kept thinking those babies could just slide right out!!

Remembering that my first attempt at surrogacy failed, I was super paranoid with the following days.  I stayed on bed rest an extra day and tried not to lift any amount of weight for a couple weeks.  My IP's really wanted me to take a home pregnancy test as often as I wanted to following the transfer.  So, my mom brought home a year supply from her hospital and I took them religiously!!!  No, these tests aren't accurate after a transfer.  Day after day, I kept taking them.  They all were different and that second line was sometimes present, but always so faint.  I remember studying those tests for the longest time with my husband.  How many times could we ask each other, "Is there a second line or not??"  Well, apparently there was!!!  My blood test showed that my hormone level was HIGH...

I remember the nurse calling me with the results, saying it was AT LEAST 2!!  Wow!!  And, the rest of the story is history =)

I love looking back and reading my posts from last year.  I definitely went through some hard times.  But, I will stick to my words... no one will EVER know what I went through.  I have been in contact with someone who is starting a journey that is very similar to mine.  She is the same age as I was when I found out the BIG news; 2 embryos transferred, both took, one split.  Just as I was experiencing the worst emotions of my life, so is she.  Reading how much pain and depression she is already experiencing reminds me of how much carrying triplets for another couple drains you physically and emotionally.  There are very few people out there that can say they know how she is feeling, but the majority of her family and friends will never be able to say the right things to her and support her in the way she needs.  I hated hearing everyday that "this is all going to be alright", "it will all end soon", and "just think of the wonderful thing you are doing."  I'm glad that she found me and I can be of some support for her.  I know EXACTLY how she is feeling and it breaks my heart knowing someone has to go through some of those emotions I went through.  There will be a day where she will look back and appreciate the journey God had blessed her with.  She will soon be able to say that she is more proud of herself than she has ever been in her life.  Once those babies are born, she will look at life in a whole new light and appreciate every moment more than ever before!!  You know who you are... and I'm here for you!!

Transfer days can go one of 2 ways and I am so fortunate that I had a successful one.  I can't imagine having to go through another failed attempt.  I can't believe how much my life has changed this past year.  It has definitely been a very interesting journey that I will cherish forever.