20 Week Update

This past week we turned 20 weeks... officially the halfway mark!!  It feels good to say that I am 5 months pregnant. Only about 4 more to go. 

We had our big appointment on Friday.  Before meeting with the doctor, we had our anatomy ultrasound, where they measuring every bone and feature of the baby, as well as my uterus and placenta, to make sure everything is going well.  Cameron and I knew how hard it was going to be to get through this 30 minute ultrasound, seeing as we don't want to know the sex.  After being pregnant with 2 boys and 3 girls, we definitely know what to look for!!  As soon as we got in the room, we gave the tech our "orders", trying not to seem controlling.  And so, we sat and faced the opposite way of the ultrasound screen, talking about whatever so that the time passed and we didn't have the urge to peek.  The hardest thing was the fact that the tech knew the sex of the baby from the very beginning; she just wanted to get that out of the way.  We kept reminding her to say "the baby", and not "he" or "she".  All went perfectly and there was no slip up. 

So that we have some gender reveal ultrasound pics to put in the baby's book after he/she is born, we had the tech wrap up a couple photos and tightly seal it in this envelope.  Because I am the type to secretly open and rewrap Christmas presents that are for me (just like my mommy =), Cameron COULD NOT leave this anywhere near me for the next 19 weeks.  He took it to work and hopefully he doesn't give into the temptation. I'm sure you all want to take a tour of the Pepsi lab now, don't you??

At the end of the ultrasound, we got to see the baby's face and beating heart. Still holding very strong at 148bpm.  Whoever is in there is sooooo active!! He/she was non-stop kicking and punching for the entire ultrasound.  We got some cute ultrasound photos to take with us. We can't wait for our 3D/4D ultrasound in a couple months... I wonder who he/she will look like!

We then saw the doctor and he gave us our perfect report on baby.  A little too perfect; our chunker is measuring 10 days ahead of schedule... weighing in at 15 ounces!!!!  The doctor said he wouldn't be surprised if I went into labor a couple weeks early and that would be just fine seeing as she/he is growing ahead.  Other then that, everything is great physically.  If we happen not to go into labor before, we scheduled our c-section for Thursday, May 23rd.

Here is my 20 week belly shot... yes, I GREW!!!!!  But, I have to say that it is all going to my belly (maybe my butt grew too!!!) and I am doing more then great with my weight gain... only up 10 pounds.  I don't think I could ever say I've been that good in the past.  Go me!!!!!

 And just for fun, here is my progression so far!!! 

17 Week Update

Wow!!! Can you believe I am almost half way through my pregnancy?? I sure can't! The weeks seem to be flying by. I am trying to thoroughly enjoy every detail of it, seeing as it is my last, but the baby will already be here in about 5 months!

Well, now that I am well into my 2nd trimester, I can report that my 1st trimester couldn't have been better. I rarely had any morning sickness and I just felt great. Some days I wished I would have just thrown up so that I would feel more pregnant and not think something was wrong inside, but everything is perfect.

Last week at my 16 week check-up, I was very nervous before seeing the doctor.  I know things were good at my 12 week appointment, but I just was still very paranoid, day after day.  I knew once getting to 16 weeks with a healthy report is when I could finally stop worrying and start enjoying it.  Well, we finally were able to hear that beautiful heartbeat.  In the past, the doppler couldn't pick it up, so we had to view it on ultrasound, but last week the doctor found it right away.... 150bpm!!!

The most exciting thing that day.... only 1 pound weight gain since last appointment!!! Yay!!!!! A dancing party of 1 was definitely going down in the office hallway. The nurse thought I was insane =). Hello!!! She doesn't know what that means in my mind... PIG OUT for the holidays!!!!

No ultrasound was done and I'll take that as a relief.  Since we STILL aren't finding out the sex, I know I would have been way too tempted to peak.  But, our big 20 week anatomy scan is coming up in a few weeks and I just have to get through that one.  It will be hard, but hubby and I are still holding strong.

Also, the doctor said that at next visit we may be able to schedule our c-section already!! Wow, that's exciting!! I am due on May 28th and will be allowed to deliver a week before, so we kind of get to choose our day.  May 23rd is the day we experienced our first, and most heart wrenching, miscarriage.  I would love nothing more than to deliver our little miracle on this day ♥

Here is another belly shot.  Yes, we are cheesy =)

12 Week Update

Well, the past few weeks were almost unbearable.  There wasn't a day that went by where I felt safe.  Every time I went to the bathroom I prepared myself for the worst.  I was very paranoid to say the least.

My upcoming appointment couldn't have been here soon enough.  We had a check up on Monday, just one day shy of 12 weeks.  When the doctor began to pick up the heartbeat on the doppler, my heart sank.... nothing.  He kept searching and searching.  The minutes seemed like hours and he tried to comfort me by saying 12 weeks isn't a guarantee that the doppler can pick up anything.  So, we headed back for a quick ultrasound.

As I stepped up to the bed and he began the ultrasound, I looked at Jackson and Max (who came along because it was a holiday at school) and prayed that only good news came our way. I could NOT get bad news, especially because they were present... the excitement on their faces was priceless.

Ultrasound began and what a beautiful sight!!!! Our little baby was facing us with a heart rate of 160bpm.  Much to the boys' surprise, their little brother or sister started jumping around and waving his/her arms around.  They were amazed!!!  It was such an awesome experience and I feel so blessed all went well.

The doctor said that he couldn't determine the sex even if we wanted to know.  However, I couldn't stop zooming in on the crotch area! LOL!!! I'm soooo bad!  From now on, no more ultrasound pics from the waist down.  It is far too tempting.

Well, I don't have much else to report which I guess is a very good sign.  I am just days away from entering the 2nd trimester and my doctor tells me that I can really stop worrying now.  After that appointment, I feel so much better about this pregnancy.  There is still that slight paranoia in the back of my mind, but I actually feel like everything is going to be ok.

Here is my 12 week belly shot.  I think I am really starting to show now...

Down to One =(

It took me a few days to post the news, and I hate having to report this.  We had a routine doctors appointment on Monday and sadly we got disappointing news.

One of the twins did not make it.

It was a day full of mixed emotions.  Cameron and I really didn't know how to react.  As soon as the doctor started the ultrasound, I immediately saw only one baby.  In my mind I wanted to be so happy that we had gotten this far in a pregnancy and we could actually see what looked like a little gummy bear on the screen, but in my heart, I was very saddened.  Bittersweet.  Cameron and I held strong as the doctor "searched" for any second baby possibly hiding, but all that we ended up finding was what looked like a shrinking sac near our little survivor.

This is what doctors call Vanishing Twin Syndrome.  There was nothing any of us could have done to prevent it and my body will eventually absorb it.  It's just considered a miscarriage and should have no effect on the other baby.

On a positive note, I am still pregnant and this baby is doing perfectly!!! He/she is measuring right on track and we have a due date of May 28, 2013 (but will deliver about a week before that).  The heart rate couldn't have been better at 170bpm.  We were so relieved to actually see that heart beating on the ultrasound.  We are so blessed to have gotten this far and I just pray every day that no more bad surprises are in our path for the next 30 weeks.  Everyone is asking when we get to find out the sex.  Well, that isn't possible for another couple months BUT we aren't going to find out. I know, don't kill us.  This is something we have always wanted to do, so seeing as this is our last, now is the time!  And with what Cameron and I have been through in the past year, trying to conceive for 12 months with 3 miscarriages, we really could care less what the sex of this baby is.  We will be blessed either way.

Here is Baby Butcher!!! If you look closely you can see little legs and arms starting to form.  And about an inch above him/her you can see the other sac =( 

Here is my 8 week belly shot. Yes, I am showing already!! Seeing as this is my 6th baby, this is expected. 

So, now we continue thinking positive and going about a regular, singleton pregnancy.  I cannot help but worry every single moment of the day about the healthy baby inside of me.  I know everyone is trying to be supportive and tell me that it will be okay, but that's what I have been told before my last 3 losses.  I can only keep my head up for so long before I begin to get doubtful.  I know after I get out of this first trimester I will feel a little bit more relief, but I honestly will never feel safe.  In all my pregnancies, I have never felt so scared before.  I am trying my best not to stress, but I can't imagine having to go through another loss.  I just won't be able to do this all again.  Ever.  Please keep this baby in your prayers.  

I'VE BEEN BLESSED.... DOUBLE TIME!!!

This is a must read.  All of you that have read and sent me so many encouraging words, I just want to thank you.  Can I just say that good things really do come to those who wait?!?!

OH. MY. GOODNESS. 

In the matter of a few weeks my life just changed completely. I know, you are sooooo anxious to know, but let me give you the details....

So, as you know, I have been trying to conceive for over a year now.  Throughout this journey, I have experienced 2 miscarriages.  Never in a million years did I think I would be that person with infertility issues, especially after having my surrogate triplets.  My world just seemed to be unfair; I hated the constant struggle.  Well, I made the decision that I needed answers.  I wanted to know if something was wrong.  I had set an appointment with my OB doctor for September 20th, but about a week before I was scheduled to go in I got this....

Wow!!!! I was pregnant once again! My first thought was, "Don't get too excited because you know what can happen in these early weeks."  My next thought was, "Dang, these are very strong positives seeing as my period isn't due for another 5 days!!"  I was over the moon and just felt so good about this one.  It was the first time in a long time that I actually felt really pregnant.  I was beyond happy.

Fast forward about a week to my doctor's appointment that I decided to keep just in case anything went wrong, and he decided to put me on progesterone as a precaution and order 2 hcg blood draws.  I had one done that day.  My number came back at 653 (pretty high for only being 4 weeks 2 days). Then, in 48 hours, I had another.... 1,468!!!  Now, after being a surrogate, I know what those numbers mean.  Immediately, I got a little nervous.  What if it's multiples???  No, no.  It can't be.  Near impossible.  Enough said, let's move on.  Well, the doctor requested that I come in that next week (which was yesterday) to get an ultrasound so maybe we can determine how far along I really am (he thought I was a little further since my hcg levels were so high).  And so, I headed to the doctor's, all alone.  My hubby was in Texas for a business trip and he called it.  With all of the worrying and stressing about the "what ifs" from the very beginning of the pregnancy, he was spot on....

TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you freaking believe it?!?!?!?!  What in the world did my body do???  Can someone please explain this?  I really wish there was a camera on in that ultrasound room with me because that moment when I saw 2 sacs on that screen was HILARIOUS!!!  The doctor and the nurse could not stop laughing at my reaction.... How did this happen?? What am I going to do?  I was supposed to be done at 3!! I just had triplets!!!! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????

Wow.  That is all I can say still after 24 hours of finding out I am pregnant with twins, naturally.  And no, twins do not run in my family AT ALL.  There has NEVER been a set of twins, ever!!!  And no, I wasn't on any sort of fertility drugs for this to happen.  This was all God's way of giving me back those 2 babies that I miscarried.  This all happened for a reason.

So many things are going through my mind right now and I hope my husband decides to make his flight home tonight =).  Our lives are totally going to change, but I am soooooo thrilled about this.  Yes, this is not what we set out for, but it is just a HUGE blessing!!! I am not positive how far along I am (guessing about 6 weeks) but we do go in again in another couple weeks so we can do some measurements and get an exact due date.  I know we are still in the danger zone, so I am praying everyday that both babies (OMG, I'm having 2!!) stay healthy and strong. 

Did you ever imagine THIS happening?!?!  I will definitely keep you all updated... this is a crazy life after surrogacy =).

What a Roller Coaster Ride...

I wish someday I could come on here and give all of my readers some positive news about my attempts at becoming a mother again after the delivery of my surro triplets.  But, I guess the reality is, that is not the case.  After my miscarriage in May, I really thought that I did my time; I experienced the heartache that many women are forced to go through and that I was so naive to think it couldn't happen to me.  Enough damage done... give me a damn baby already!!

Well, although the doctor's "orders" were to take the following 2 cycles off to let my body heal, we continued to do as much baby dancing as we could, hoping to conceive and fill that emptiness in our hearts.  Just a few months after our devastating miscarriage, we got pregnant again!! We got a positive pregnancy test last week and we were so thrilled! Of course we decided not to go crazy, telling friends and family of the wonderful news, so keeping it to ourselves was so hard!! As each day passed, that positive line on the pregnancy tests got fainter and fainter. Immediately we started to worry. Please don't let this happen again.  I really was starting to "feel" pregnant, so I decided that maybe I should get a blood test to make sure everything was ok. Well, the morning I was going to head to the doctor's office, I woke up bleeding and clotting, huge drop in temperature, and I got a negative pregnancy test.

Words cannot express how confused I am right now.  I am so angry, frustrated, devastated, and just disappointed.  Why is this happening to me??  I have been on this trying-to-conceive journey for exactly a year now and all I have to show for it is 2 losses.  I should be changing diapers, getting sleepless nights, and sharing my love with a 3rd and final baby in this moment.  I shouldn't have to let conceiving consume my every thoughts and free moments.  This is so unfair!!!!

And so, my next step is to get some testing done.  Apparently there is an issue here.  I have difficulty getting pregnant and now I have difficulty staying pregnant.  Funny how I can go from being a baby machine to a woman with infertility issues all in the same lifetime.  I was classified as a woman with "perfect baby making gear" after all of my testing to become a surrogate, but something has changed all of that.  It could be a multiple of things, but whatever it is I just pray to God it is an easy fix.  My biggest fear is that the horrific details of my triplet delivery and postpartum healing left me with some permanent damage. I don't think I could face that fact and I would feel awfully guilty if something like that came about.

I would never in a million years regret the 3 little gifts I gave to my IP's.  But, I honestly wish I was better educated about surrogacy before I made that big decision to become one.  I will admit that I was in severe denial in the beginning that I could even get pregnant with multiples, and I especially never thought being a surrogate would alter my chances of having more children later in life.  I never received the advice that I feel all surrogates should receive- Women most definitely should be done having their own biological children before becoming a surrogate, or if they want to take that risk, then they need to be at peace with it if anything tragic should happen.  I know many surrogates don't see any possible damage being done in their future or current surrogate pregnancy, but I thought that too.  Of the women I know that carried triplets for another couple, most of them had a horrible postpartum experience and a few of them had to get lady parts removed.  Bad things DO happen to good people, and whether you agree with me or not, I have to stand by the fact that women should be done building their own family before helping another.

I am in no way saying that if I wasn't a surrogate I wouldn't be experiencing these fertility issues, but I think it makes perfect sense.  No one could explain the 7 month postpartum bleeding and clotting.  That was in no way "normal" to me and I just wish someone did more to help me.  I can't blame anyone at this point.  All I can do is let myself grieve, move on, try again, and get some answers.  Next month I will be visiting my doctor to begin the testing and hopefully someday soon I will be experiencing a very happy and healthy pregnancy.

Letting Go...

One of the hardest things about being a surrogate is letting go.  Every surrogacy journey is completely different in their own little ways, but no matter what, we all have to let go at one point.  Whether a surrogate has no opportunity to be introduced to the life she created and held inside her for 9 long months, or a surrogate continues to hold onto a lasting relationship for years to come after the delivery, there comes a point where we have to accept the fact that our surrogacy journey is over.

I have been completely blessed for the past 22 months.  I had the opportunity to visit with my surro triplets and IP's as often as it seemed convenient for all of us and the fact that they lived just under 2 short hours from me was definitely a huge bonus.  There wasn't a month that went by where we didn't hear from each other and I absolutely adored the fact that I would get occasional photo and video updates from all of the amazing changes these beautiful girls have gone through in just under 2 years.  I can't believe how big they are now and how incredibly adorable they each are in their own individual ways.

Life can get hectic at points, and with heavy obstacles thrown your way, time slips by you too fast.  It has been almost 10 months since I have seen the girls last and now at this point in my life I am very disappointed that I didn't take more advantage of the fact that visiting them more often was not only doable, but very much welcomed.  I recently was informed that my surrogate family will soon be moving across the country =(.  At first when hearing this news, I was overwhelmed with confused emotions. For the last couple years, I knew that their stay down here in Southern California was a temporary one, and the original plan wasn't for them to stay so long.  But, as time went on, the stay got extended.  I was one lucky surrogate... not only did my IP's continue to welcome me into their lives, but I also got to visit as much or as little as I liked.  Now that they will be moving, that all will change.

Although I really feel that virtual contact with my IP's and the triplets will be maintained for the years to come, I know I need to let go.  I need to do what every surrogate has the responsibility of doing, and that is to let the family go live their life without having this guilt of responsibility to me, their surrogate.  I never did go through those rough days or weeks that many of us surrogates are forced to endure as their IP's escape across the world and never hearing from them again, so I could never relate to that side of surrogacy before.  But, after 22 months of living in this blessed post-surrogacy life, I have to say good-bye. Good-bye doesn't have to mean forever, and I really hope with all of my heart that I will still have the opportunity to see these girls as they grow into beautiful little ladies, but I have to come to terms that none of that is guaranteed.    

Before their BIG move, I get to say "good-bye" to the family that came here as 2 and are leaving as 5 thanks to my miraculous uterus!! I can't wait for Sunday.