The Power of The Blog!!

When I started writing my blog very early on in my surrogate pregnancy, I never knew it would turn out the way it did.  Heck, I didn't even think I would continue writing after the first 2 posts.

My husband overly encouraged me (like he does with a lot of things) to start blogging about my feelings and the process of being a surrogate.  At first when he suggested it, I said "What the hell is a blog?!?"  Of course I kind of had an idea, but I really only thought a certain group of people actually blogged; journalists, scholars, sport reporters, Julia and Julia, etc.  After he set it all up for me, design and everything (that is what I mean by "overly"=), I then asked, "Who is really going to read this?!"  Well, he told me that it didn't matter and that maybe doing this will help someone else out there in the surrogate world...


Boy was he right (and I don't say that very much)!  Not only did I find out that there were hundreds of blogs related to surrogacy, but I also realized that people liked to read mine.  At the beginning of the pregnancy, I was blogging about all of the emotions I was dealing with, most of which were bottled up.  It was a great way to express myself and an even better way for the people around me to get the idea of what I was going through without having to pry it out of me.  At times, it was a little difficult for my IP's to read (it can be a hard reality when faced with the fact that your surrogate is experiencing deep depression).  But, I would have to say, that without my blog, my IP's probably would have been left in the dark most of the time because expressing my feelings face to face was impossible for me to do in my state of mind.

It wasn't until after my pregnancy did I realize that my blog had an effect on other people.  I never looked at it that way; I always saw my blog as a means of reaching out for support and my followers encouraged me every moment that I needed it.  But, it was an amazing feeling once I began guiding others through similar situations; whether it be surrogates, IP's, or family members of someone involved with surrogacy.  It is a much different feeling when you are seeing things from the other side (much easier too =).

People started to reach out to me, and most of the time I never knew they were a follower of my blog.  I think I get contacted every few weeks with someone with a very similar situation, and some have very interesting stories!!  Oh, and most of the surrogates and IP's that contact me all have one big thing in common... triplets!!!  If you haven't experienced this then you really have no idea how hard it is.  Yes, you can read our thoughts and emotions as we are experiencing them, but you honestly can't even imagine what a roller coaster it can be.  I remember back when I found out I was pregnant with triplets.  A retired surrogate who carried triplets reached out to me and answered the questions I had-  At the beginning, I really didn't know what I was in for and I was really in denial (which a lot of women do in the beginning).  She broke it down for me and gave me a reality check that I will never forget.... "Those were the worst days of my life. I wanted nothing more than to just slip into a coma and not wake up until the babies were born.  All joking aside, I really wanted to die."  At first I thought this lady was crazy and very morbid, but hell, that was an understatement!!!  LOL!!

So, lately I feel really encouraged to blog more.  I have lots of advice for the IP's out there dealing with all sorts of situations.  I also have never ending supportive topics for the surrogates.  If any of you have a personal question or comment, my email address is always available and it is my pleasure to help out.  If I were rich, I would travel all over the world and meet with people in need of encouraging and support, but heck, if I were rich I would do A LOT of things =)

And some amazing stats on the views on my blog...

United States      23,238

Canada                    2,234

Australia                     623

Germany                    442

United Kingdom        339

Norway                        268

Taiwan                           84

Ireland                            75

New Zealand                64

Israel                               63

9 Months Old and Even Cuter!!

Just had to show off my 3 little miracles!!  They just turned 9 months old.  Wow does time fly by!!  I cannot believe how much they all are starting to look alike (well, duh, they're triplets Ashley!!).  But, I could tell them apart 100% for the first 6 months, and now I am questioning my guesses =)

I am very excited because I get to visit them next Sunday!!!  It has been a few months and I am missing them a bit.  My hubby is so happy he gets to come with me... the last time he saw them was in the delivery room.  So excited!!

Drum Roll Please.... BEFORE and AFTER!!!!

Okay, okay... here it is! I know I have been promising my before and after pictures of my not-so-perfect body, but I have finally gathered up enough courage to do it.  Don't scroll down just yet, it is making me nervous =)

So, I have been working on getting my after body for a few months now.  I cannot believe that I set a goal and actually reached it.  Some people may be thinking, so you just lost the baby weight and that just comes off with time.  Well, you are soooo wrong!!

I had my surro triplets in September 2010.  Throughout my 32 weeks of pregnancy, I gained a total of 38 pounds.  Not bad.  Prior to actually getting pregnant, and taking hormone injections and pills for 6 months, I gained 15 pounds.  So, when I found out the transfer actually worked, I was kind of chunky =)  Anyway, after having the girls, and without dieting or exercising, I lost the 38 pounds after just a few short months.  I am pretty sure pumping the amount of milk I had helped me burn lots of calories.  Although I was very happy that the baby weight came off so fast, I still was very uncomfortable in my skin.

If you didn't know already, I had 3 pregnancies in just 3 years (my 2 boys are 15 months apart) and I have delivered a total of 5 babies before I reached age 27!!  My first baby, in July 2007, was a whopping 10 pounds 3 ounces (yes, a natural birth).  My second, in September 2008, was delivered 2 weeks early and was 8 pounds 6 ounces.  Then, the girls were delivered less than a year ago and their weights totaled more than 13 pounds!!  I think my body has gone through hell these past few years!!!

So, after I had the girls, I really wanted to do something for me.  I never felt more uncomfortable with my body.  Something on the outside just didn't match with the inside.  When I looked at pictures of myself, I didn't feel the way I looked.  But, I never thought I could change.  I truly thought that this was the way I was destined to be.  I was going to have to live with this body because it was permanently damaged from all of these babies!!  But, I was out to prove myself wrong!!

My wonderful sister introduced me to a really good friend of hers;  Melissa was a personal trainer and owned her own fitness center, Perfection Fitness.  She agreed to train me and guide me through the right diet as long as I stuck with it and gave her the results she knew I could reach.  When I first met with her, January 11th, 2011, I could not believe what goal we set for myself... to lose 30 pounds by May 1st!!!  When she told me that, I just laughed.  In my mind I knew it was never going to happen.  30 pounds?!?  That's like Biggest Loser style!  I didn't stress about it much because I knew it was impossible and NEVER going to happen.

For the first time in my life, I stuck with something and met every single weight loss goal that came each week.  I never gave up.  And I did all of this the right way.  I never starved myself.  I exercised daily and stayed on a very healthy diet.

In just 3 1/2 months, I lost 31 pounds!!

And, here it is (my heart is racing).  Keep in mind that I had TRIPLETS!! Oh, and I still have a little bit of work to do.  Drum roll please.......

Before- January 2011

After- May 2011

I can't believe I just posted this!!  LOL!!!  But, I hope this is encouraging to some of you out there, especially those of you who have had, or are having, multiples.  Really, if I can do it anyone can.  I think the hardest part is starting.  Once you get started and see results, you don't want to stop.  Yes, there were weeks where my weight loss came to a halt and my hard work wasn't paying off, but I got through it, didn't get discouraged, and never stopped. 

I love this line and always told myself, "You gotta give something to get something."  Things just don't happen overnight, nor are things just given to you.  If you put your heart and soul into something, it will definitely pay off in the end.

So, now I feel amazing!!  I have so much more energy and I haven't felt this comfortable in my body for a long time.  I feel like the woman my husband married 5 years ago (and 10 pounds lighter than that day) and I know he isn't complaining =)  Although I reached this amazing goal, I think I will go for just 10 more!! Go me!

The Weight Loss Finishline....

Sooooo, I am almost at my deadline!!!  Much to my surprise, my personal trainer moved up my weight loss deadline by a month!  Yikes! 

Tuesday is the day and I am almost there.  So very close... just about 2 more pounds to go to reach 30 pounds in just 4 months!!  I started this journey in January, about 4 months after the girls were born. At that time, I pretty much lost all of my pregnancy weight.  I still wasn't satisfied and really wanted to feel on the outside like I did on the inside.  Looking in the mirror, that wasn't me.  Yes, everyone says that they didn't think I had that much weight to lose, but apparently I did!!  I never thought those stubborn pounds would ever come off.  Ever.  I always thought to myself, "This is how I am built.  This is what I am supposed to look like and it is impossible to lose the weight."  Especially after having triplets, and a total of 5 babies (3 pregnancies) in just 3 years, I thought my body was doomed!!!  It hurt feeling that.  I am so young and I have such young and beautiful friends.  All I wanted was to be myself and be the person I deserved to be.  Well, nothing was just going to happen over night and it wasn't just going to be given to me.  You've gotta give something to get something!!!! 

And so I put in the work.  Yes, I had my bad weeks where all I wanted to do was give up, eat a fricken' cheeseburger!!  I did allow my moments of cheating, but I always got right back up.  I feel absolutely awesome!!!  Although my kids are getting heavier, they feel lighter to me by the day.  I can run around with them for hours.  I can carrying them for as long as they need me to without feeling exhausted.  I fit in so many cute clothing... no more muffin top!!!  But, the downfall to losing this weight is the effect it has on my boobies!!!  Oh well, something had to give =)  We'll just make that purchase later on in life!!  But, it feels very nice not to be overflooded in my tops.  Maybe smaller boobies isn't so bad after all =)

I have a photo shoot for my trainer's new weight loss program launch, appealing to mommies, this Tuesday!!  I am soooo nervous.  Especially because I will be in front of the camera in a bikini!!!!  What am I thinking?!?!?  Looking back just 4 months ago, I never thought this would happen.  When we set my goal, I never saw it actually happening.  I laughed at her when she gave me my goal weight that she wanted me to reach.  I told her that she was crazy and I don't remember the last time I was this weight!!  I am proud to say that I proved myself so wrong!!!! 

Although I will be done training, I won't quit.  It is kinda addicting.  Heck, I may try for 10 more pounds!!  It is the best feeling setting a goal that seems near impossible and doing it.  Yay me!!!!

So, if I am brave enough, I will post those before and after pics when I get them!! 

Until then, I leave you with some pictures of me and my family on Easter/Passover.  I just LOVE my boys so entirely much.  And I love this husband of mine more than words can say.  They all make life just perfect and without them, I don't know where I would be. 

Passover

I'm so happy =)

Max and Jackson

Love his lips! He is so dramatic... wonder where he gets it =)

Best husband in the world and our baby, Max

Jack, the spitting image of his daddy

Me and Jackson

The loves of my life!!

Triple Chunk Update!

Take a look at these girls!!  Wow!!  They are doing so well and definitely getting enough to eat =)  They all are sitting up by themselves and Lily is standing.  Time is just going by so fast.  I am so happy to get updates on my little surro girls.  Very happy.  Not sure what I would do if I was just left wondering. 

I hope to visit one more time before they move back home.  Now that flu season is over, I may bring my boys for a visit.  They have yet to meet the girls and I think it would be good for them to see first hand that the girls are loved and mommy just didn't leave them at the hospital this whole time =). 

Sitting up at 7 1/2 months old!!

Lily, Eve, and May (I think!!)

Go Lily!!!

Look at how cool this table is!!

Good-Bye, Baby Itch!!

Sorry in advance for the rambling =)  I tend to do that a lot!  

It has been a few weeks since I have last posted.  The girls are doing amazingly well.  They are about 7 months old now!!  I know, I can't believe it.  They are continuing to be the most chunkiest and cutest things ever!  They have been eating lots of yummy vegetables and really starting to move around.  Last I heard, they were almost off the charts for growth!!  And this is comparing them to full term babies.  This makes me so happy to hear and I am so glad that they all are growing so much.  It's amazing how well they are doing for being triplets born at 32 weeks.  AMAZING!!

So, I want to continue to blog even though I am technically not a surrogate anymore and my journey may seem to be over for now.  I see a lot of blogs that just end because the babies came, life went on.  But, I want people to see how life really is after.  For me, my journey is never really over.  The girls and my IP's will always be apart of my life and I really am lucky for that.  So, I will do my best to keep posting about my feelings and experiences that pertain to surrogacy and maybe give people a better idea of how life is after surrogacy.  Who knows?!?  Maybe I'll have another surrogate story to tell in the near future...

Okay, not too near.  Remember shortly after having the girls I had this never ending baby itch??  I wasn't sure whether I felt a need to have my own child or get into another surrogacy right away.  Something happened after I had the girls and I really needed to fill that void.  Maybe it was the hormones.  Maybe it was the fact that I was pregnant with 3 one day, and babyless the next.  Or maybe I really was ready to have another baby of my own and being a surrogate really triggered those feelings.  Well, whatever it was, I am glad I did not listen to my heart and really used my head on this one.  As bad as I wanted to be pregnant again right away, I knew deep down that it was not the best time for me, physically or emotionally, and I hoped that the feelings would just go away.  I fought with myself everyday, fighting the baby itch.  It was definitely a rough few months, but I got through it.

Sitting here now, I am so proud of the decision I made.  I am glad I did not make that decision to either become a surrogate again or add another child to my life.  I did go through many emotionally ups and downs over the past year, and it got me to where I am today.  I am a completely happy and satisfied person.  My life is finally simple and I love just being a normal family, whatever "normal" means.  For once, my husband and I aren't surprising family members with new jobs, new home, or new babies (ours or a complete strangers!).  I enjoy being myself and not having to be responsible for another life or lives inside of me.  I have the most energy I have ever had in my life!!  I am taking care of my body and it really is showing.  I love running around with my kids and them being my first priority.  As a family, we are stable.  We are simple.  We are happy.  I owe it to my children and husband to maintain this happiness.  I put them through hell the past year and I now owe it to them to be the most loving and caring mom that I can be.

For those of you just starting out in your surrogacy journey or are really considering starting a journey, please take in to consideration your entire family and their needs.  I really thought I was doing it at the perfect time; because my boys were so young I assumed that was the best.  I knew they would be less involved, asking fewer questions, and not getting emotionally attached.  I never really thought about how that would effect my role as their mother.  Never.  Well, who really thought I was going to carry triplets?!?  Not me!!!  No way!  But, the experience unfortunately made me a person I grew to hate for those 7 months.  I hate looking back on the person I became; I was angry, frustrated, hopeless, short-tempered, unloving, and wanted nothing more to end what I was doing so that my kids would not have to see me that way anymore.  Nothing could have changed the way I became, nothing.  I was pregnant with triplets, who were not even mine, and it definitely took a toll on not only me, but my loved ones.  My kids' lives were destroyed, their behavior was uncontrollable.  All of the things I had worked on with them since they were born (schedules, behavior, respect, etc.) was vanished.  They were not the same kids.  During my pregnancy, I had to seek help of a child behaviorist because I saw things falling apart, day by day, and there was nothing I could do.  She worked with me to save my family.  She informed me that it takes 21 days for a child to adapt or un-adapt to a certain behavior.  Their mommy was gone, yet still present, and they really were not at a level where they could handle the sudden and unfair change.  What hurt me the most was my youngest one; he was only 18 months old when I got pregnant.  He was still a baby.  He needed his mommy more than anything, but yet I could not offer the unconditional love he needed.  My oldest always looked at me and asked, "Are you still sick, mommy?"  I hated hearing that question everyday; he clearly knew something was not right and he wished I would just magically feel better =(  BUT, all of these issues did eventually come to end, although I missed out on moments I cannot bring back.  Finally, 7 months later, I have finally put the pieces back together, slowly but surely. My husband was very helpful and supportive and I couldn't have done it without him.  They are now just as behaved, if not more, than they were before surrogacy.

So, I hope that mumble jumble of my experience puts things in perspective for some of you.  It's not just about you fulfilling your dream to become a surrogate anymore.  You have a family to look after and they should be your #1 priority at all times.  Before making any decisions, think about them.  Think about every possible thing that may happen.  What will bed rest do to you??  No, not to YOU, but to your FAMILY??  And, just be prepared.  Don't rush.  Take your time.

With all that said, I know I am not ready for another pregnancy right now, mine or not.  For years and years, when I looked at a baby, I fell in love and wanted nothing more than to have my own or another one.  But now when I see an infant, those feelings are nowhere to be found!!  For once in my life, I am the one saying no to having another baby right now while my husband is the one requesting one!!  I NEVER thought that was EVER going to happen.  Sorry, honey, shop is closed for repairs =)  And repairing is exactly what my body needs to do right now.  I FINALLY stopped bleeding and clotting.  Yes, almost 7 months postpartum.  Can you believe that?!?  Ugh!!  That was a pain in my a%$, or something else =)  That's what having triplets does to you and there is no way I want to experience that recovery again.

So, what's the plan??  Well, I plan to try to get pregnant with my third child, and very last one, in 2 years.  I'm a religious pill taker until then =)  And becoming a surrogate again is a question I get asked weekly and I really don't have an answer.  Maybe??  I just don't know.  I think the only way I would consider it is if a close friend or family member needed a surrogate or if my IP's want to try again... could you imagine another set of triplets?!?  Okay, I just had a mini heart attack!!  But, until then, I am living my life for me and my family and being the best mom and wife I can be!!

Oh, and my weight loss challenge has almost come to an end.  Since January 11th (I know, random day), I have lost 23 pounds!!  I have 7 more to go, but I am not sure if I will get there by May 2nd.  I will come very close though.  I am sure you all are excited to see before and after pics!!  I am!! Look out for those very soon.

I'll leave you with some pics of MY family...

Me and the hubby, with Jackson (left) and Max (right)

My birthday dinner... Yikes, I am the big 2-7!!! 

Me and my Jackson, who is 3 1/2

Cameron and Max (2  1/2) who are inseparable

I LOVE him!!!  

Dodgers Opening Day (we survived =)!  I remember the last year I was preggo

with the triplets and it was a LONG, tiring day for me.

BUT, this year I got to drink a beer!!

Me and Jack

He is the cutest little guy ever!!  Come on, admit it =)

These 2 are the best things that have ever happened to me and I am so blessed

to be their mommy =)

Prayers and Hope for Linus...

I am so glad that my husband introduced me into this whole blogging thing and encouraged me to share my surrogacy journey with so many people out there.  I love how many people it has introduced me to, how much support I have received, and how many people I was able to help through their struggling time as well.

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I got all sorts of followers who then opened the door for me to follow their journeys as well.  One amazing couple that I was so intrigued with from the very beginning was Robbie and Trina, A Story of Two Moms.  They are 2 amazing women, who also struggled with infertility, but so fortunately gave birth to triplet boys soon after I had the girls.  Their pregnancy was only a few weeks behind mine and I found it really helpful to hear another woman's thoughts and feelings towards a triplet pregnancy.  Although their story wasn't surrogate related, it still gave me the support I needed since triplet pregnancy isn't as popular as your average surrogate pregnancy.

So, why I am writing about this??  Well, one of their little boys, Linus, is not doing well at all and has been struggling since birth.  He is worse off now than ever before.  I won't attempt to explain the entire story because it is very heartbreaking, but if you have the time, read their blog and show your support.  I think about this family quite often and everyday I go to check up on their blog for a new post, I just hold my breath hoping there will be some good news.

It is so amazing how much time and thought I have invested with complete strangers.  Blogging really creates these wonderful relationships that are impossible to part from.  I feel like I know my followers and readers so well and they all are important to me in some way or another.  I will never stop blogging!!

My IP's were the ones who actually "introduced" our blogs to one another.  Their hearts break for them and it honestly is a constant reminder of how fortunate they are to have 3 healthy girls.  Having triplets is a risky thing and you never really know what bad things might happen until they do.  They cannot be thankful enough that the worst thing they are struggling with right now is teething.  We couldn't have had a more perfect outcome.

So, whatever you can do, please do.  If you read their latest post, there are many ways you can show your support.  You can just simply pray (if you are a prayer), donate, spread the word, or even post this cute little button (in the right column) or this picture (below) on your blog.

Thinking of you, Linus!!