Down to One =(

It took me a few days to post the news, and I hate having to report this.  We had a routine doctors appointment on Monday and sadly we got disappointing news.

One of the twins did not make it.

It was a day full of mixed emotions.  Cameron and I really didn't know how to react.  As soon as the doctor started the ultrasound, I immediately saw only one baby.  In my mind I wanted to be so happy that we had gotten this far in a pregnancy and we could actually see what looked like a little gummy bear on the screen, but in my heart, I was very saddened.  Bittersweet.  Cameron and I held strong as the doctor "searched" for any second baby possibly hiding, but all that we ended up finding was what looked like a shrinking sac near our little survivor.

This is what doctors call Vanishing Twin Syndrome.  There was nothing any of us could have done to prevent it and my body will eventually absorb it.  It's just considered a miscarriage and should have no effect on the other baby.

On a positive note, I am still pregnant and this baby is doing perfectly!!! He/she is measuring right on track and we have a due date of May 28, 2013 (but will deliver about a week before that).  The heart rate couldn't have been better at 170bpm.  We were so relieved to actually see that heart beating on the ultrasound.  We are so blessed to have gotten this far and I just pray every day that no more bad surprises are in our path for the next 30 weeks.  Everyone is asking when we get to find out the sex.  Well, that isn't possible for another couple months BUT we aren't going to find out. I know, don't kill us.  This is something we have always wanted to do, so seeing as this is our last, now is the time!  And with what Cameron and I have been through in the past year, trying to conceive for 12 months with 3 miscarriages, we really could care less what the sex of this baby is.  We will be blessed either way.

Here is Baby Butcher!!! If you look closely you can see little legs and arms starting to form.  And about an inch above him/her you can see the other sac =( 

Here is my 8 week belly shot. Yes, I am showing already!! Seeing as this is my 6th baby, this is expected. 

So, now we continue thinking positive and going about a regular, singleton pregnancy.  I cannot help but worry every single moment of the day about the healthy baby inside of me.  I know everyone is trying to be supportive and tell me that it will be okay, but that's what I have been told before my last 3 losses.  I can only keep my head up for so long before I begin to get doubtful.  I know after I get out of this first trimester I will feel a little bit more relief, but I honestly will never feel safe.  In all my pregnancies, I have never felt so scared before.  I am trying my best not to stress, but I can't imagine having to go through another loss.  I just won't be able to do this all again.  Ever.  Please keep this baby in your prayers.  

I'VE BEEN BLESSED.... DOUBLE TIME!!!

This is a must read.  All of you that have read and sent me so many encouraging words, I just want to thank you.  Can I just say that good things really do come to those who wait?!?!

OH. MY. GOODNESS. 

In the matter of a few weeks my life just changed completely. I know, you are sooooo anxious to know, but let me give you the details....

So, as you know, I have been trying to conceive for over a year now.  Throughout this journey, I have experienced 2 miscarriages.  Never in a million years did I think I would be that person with infertility issues, especially after having my surrogate triplets.  My world just seemed to be unfair; I hated the constant struggle.  Well, I made the decision that I needed answers.  I wanted to know if something was wrong.  I had set an appointment with my OB doctor for September 20th, but about a week before I was scheduled to go in I got this....

Wow!!!! I was pregnant once again! My first thought was, "Don't get too excited because you know what can happen in these early weeks."  My next thought was, "Dang, these are very strong positives seeing as my period isn't due for another 5 days!!"  I was over the moon and just felt so good about this one.  It was the first time in a long time that I actually felt really pregnant.  I was beyond happy.

Fast forward about a week to my doctor's appointment that I decided to keep just in case anything went wrong, and he decided to put me on progesterone as a precaution and order 2 hcg blood draws.  I had one done that day.  My number came back at 653 (pretty high for only being 4 weeks 2 days). Then, in 48 hours, I had another.... 1,468!!!  Now, after being a surrogate, I know what those numbers mean.  Immediately, I got a little nervous.  What if it's multiples???  No, no.  It can't be.  Near impossible.  Enough said, let's move on.  Well, the doctor requested that I come in that next week (which was yesterday) to get an ultrasound so maybe we can determine how far along I really am (he thought I was a little further since my hcg levels were so high).  And so, I headed to the doctor's, all alone.  My hubby was in Texas for a business trip and he called it.  With all of the worrying and stressing about the "what ifs" from the very beginning of the pregnancy, he was spot on....

TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you freaking believe it?!?!?!?!  What in the world did my body do???  Can someone please explain this?  I really wish there was a camera on in that ultrasound room with me because that moment when I saw 2 sacs on that screen was HILARIOUS!!!  The doctor and the nurse could not stop laughing at my reaction.... How did this happen?? What am I going to do?  I was supposed to be done at 3!! I just had triplets!!!! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????

Wow.  That is all I can say still after 24 hours of finding out I am pregnant with twins, naturally.  And no, twins do not run in my family AT ALL.  There has NEVER been a set of twins, ever!!!  And no, I wasn't on any sort of fertility drugs for this to happen.  This was all God's way of giving me back those 2 babies that I miscarried.  This all happened for a reason.

So many things are going through my mind right now and I hope my husband decides to make his flight home tonight =).  Our lives are totally going to change, but I am soooooo thrilled about this.  Yes, this is not what we set out for, but it is just a HUGE blessing!!! I am not positive how far along I am (guessing about 6 weeks) but we do go in again in another couple weeks so we can do some measurements and get an exact due date.  I know we are still in the danger zone, so I am praying everyday that both babies (OMG, I'm having 2!!) stay healthy and strong. 

Did you ever imagine THIS happening?!?!  I will definitely keep you all updated... this is a crazy life after surrogacy =).

What a Roller Coaster Ride...

I wish someday I could come on here and give all of my readers some positive news about my attempts at becoming a mother again after the delivery of my surro triplets.  But, I guess the reality is, that is not the case.  After my miscarriage in May, I really thought that I did my time; I experienced the heartache that many women are forced to go through and that I was so naive to think it couldn't happen to me.  Enough damage done... give me a damn baby already!!

Well, although the doctor's "orders" were to take the following 2 cycles off to let my body heal, we continued to do as much baby dancing as we could, hoping to conceive and fill that emptiness in our hearts.  Just a few months after our devastating miscarriage, we got pregnant again!! We got a positive pregnancy test last week and we were so thrilled! Of course we decided not to go crazy, telling friends and family of the wonderful news, so keeping it to ourselves was so hard!! As each day passed, that positive line on the pregnancy tests got fainter and fainter. Immediately we started to worry. Please don't let this happen again.  I really was starting to "feel" pregnant, so I decided that maybe I should get a blood test to make sure everything was ok. Well, the morning I was going to head to the doctor's office, I woke up bleeding and clotting, huge drop in temperature, and I got a negative pregnancy test.

Words cannot express how confused I am right now.  I am so angry, frustrated, devastated, and just disappointed.  Why is this happening to me??  I have been on this trying-to-conceive journey for exactly a year now and all I have to show for it is 2 losses.  I should be changing diapers, getting sleepless nights, and sharing my love with a 3rd and final baby in this moment.  I shouldn't have to let conceiving consume my every thoughts and free moments.  This is so unfair!!!!

And so, my next step is to get some testing done.  Apparently there is an issue here.  I have difficulty getting pregnant and now I have difficulty staying pregnant.  Funny how I can go from being a baby machine to a woman with infertility issues all in the same lifetime.  I was classified as a woman with "perfect baby making gear" after all of my testing to become a surrogate, but something has changed all of that.  It could be a multiple of things, but whatever it is I just pray to God it is an easy fix.  My biggest fear is that the horrific details of my triplet delivery and postpartum healing left me with some permanent damage. I don't think I could face that fact and I would feel awfully guilty if something like that came about.

I would never in a million years regret the 3 little gifts I gave to my IP's.  But, I honestly wish I was better educated about surrogacy before I made that big decision to become one.  I will admit that I was in severe denial in the beginning that I could even get pregnant with multiples, and I especially never thought being a surrogate would alter my chances of having more children later in life.  I never received the advice that I feel all surrogates should receive- Women most definitely should be done having their own biological children before becoming a surrogate, or if they want to take that risk, then they need to be at peace with it if anything tragic should happen.  I know many surrogates don't see any possible damage being done in their future or current surrogate pregnancy, but I thought that too.  Of the women I know that carried triplets for another couple, most of them had a horrible postpartum experience and a few of them had to get lady parts removed.  Bad things DO happen to good people, and whether you agree with me or not, I have to stand by the fact that women should be done building their own family before helping another.

I am in no way saying that if I wasn't a surrogate I wouldn't be experiencing these fertility issues, but I think it makes perfect sense.  No one could explain the 7 month postpartum bleeding and clotting.  That was in no way "normal" to me and I just wish someone did more to help me.  I can't blame anyone at this point.  All I can do is let myself grieve, move on, try again, and get some answers.  Next month I will be visiting my doctor to begin the testing and hopefully someday soon I will be experiencing a very happy and healthy pregnancy.

Letting Go...

One of the hardest things about being a surrogate is letting go.  Every surrogacy journey is completely different in their own little ways, but no matter what, we all have to let go at one point.  Whether a surrogate has no opportunity to be introduced to the life she created and held inside her for 9 long months, or a surrogate continues to hold onto a lasting relationship for years to come after the delivery, there comes a point where we have to accept the fact that our surrogacy journey is over.

I have been completely blessed for the past 22 months.  I had the opportunity to visit with my surro triplets and IP's as often as it seemed convenient for all of us and the fact that they lived just under 2 short hours from me was definitely a huge bonus.  There wasn't a month that went by where we didn't hear from each other and I absolutely adored the fact that I would get occasional photo and video updates from all of the amazing changes these beautiful girls have gone through in just under 2 years.  I can't believe how big they are now and how incredibly adorable they each are in their own individual ways.

Life can get hectic at points, and with heavy obstacles thrown your way, time slips by you too fast.  It has been almost 10 months since I have seen the girls last and now at this point in my life I am very disappointed that I didn't take more advantage of the fact that visiting them more often was not only doable, but very much welcomed.  I recently was informed that my surrogate family will soon be moving across the country =(.  At first when hearing this news, I was overwhelmed with confused emotions. For the last couple years, I knew that their stay down here in Southern California was a temporary one, and the original plan wasn't for them to stay so long.  But, as time went on, the stay got extended.  I was one lucky surrogate... not only did my IP's continue to welcome me into their lives, but I also got to visit as much or as little as I liked.  Now that they will be moving, that all will change.

Although I really feel that virtual contact with my IP's and the triplets will be maintained for the years to come, I know I need to let go.  I need to do what every surrogate has the responsibility of doing, and that is to let the family go live their life without having this guilt of responsibility to me, their surrogate.  I never did go through those rough days or weeks that many of us surrogates are forced to endure as their IP's escape across the world and never hearing from them again, so I could never relate to that side of surrogacy before.  But, after 22 months of living in this blessed post-surrogacy life, I have to say good-bye. Good-bye doesn't have to mean forever, and I really hope with all of my heart that I will still have the opportunity to see these girls as they grow into beautiful little ladies, but I have to come to terms that none of that is guaranteed.    

Before their BIG move, I get to say "good-bye" to the family that came here as 2 and are leaving as 5 thanks to my miraculous uterus!! I can't wait for Sunday.

Better Days

It has been over a week since we got the bad news and I am happy to report that each day gets better and better.  I do have moments when I find myself completely alone, no one around to talk to and nothing much to do, where all I can do is wish that I was still pregnant.  But, I know I just need to move on because nothing will change by just dwelling about it day after day.  I know deep down I will always hurt from this moment, but what kind of person would I be if I didn't?

I have fully recovered physically and I am back on that trying to conceive train.  Woot Woot!!  Or is that "toot toot"?  Who knows?!  So let's just all hope that it doesn't take another 8 months for my miracle baby to come.  I really hope I am one of those lucky ones that just gets pregnant again right away! Fingers crossed!!!

I have been staying very busy lately with my new business adventure (and sometimes it makes that baby itch of mine become a full on rash!!).  A photography business has always been a dream of mine and I FINALLY made it a reality!!  Yay!! I have so much to improve on, but here is my website and FB page if you would like to check it out.  My 5 year goal is to do weddings full time, with my hubby by my side who also shares this passion- (heck, then I don't have to pay an assistant!). I'm excited to think of all the possibilities.  Wish me luck!!

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Short Lived Happiness...

This trying to conceive journey has definitely taken an emotional toll on me.  Month after month, negative after negative, I wasn't sure how much longer I could take!!  Until last week when I went in to see my doctor about possible testing to check out my uterus, I found out that I was PREGNANT!!!  I was so excited, overjoyed, and in disbelief.  Was this moment finally here?!?  It took a few days before that all settled in and after telling our boys, we all were so happy and just felt complete.  I smiled for days =). 

Well, that happiness soon ended and I experienced a miscarriage.  Although I was only 5 1/2 weeks, I am in complete disappointment.  That moment my husband and I shared in the doctor's office when I found out I was pregnant was one of our best and one I will never forget.  I have never seen him smile so big before.  What we had worked so hard for was finally becoming a reality.  It is so sad to think how fast a situation can change, and before you know it, you are experiencing the worst day of your life.  I keep thinking in my head, why?  Why did this happen to me?  Why did it take so long to conceive, and then have this happen? No one can really explain why this happens.  It just does.  But as selfish as it sounds, I never thought that person would be me.  You hear story after story about women miscarrying anytime in their first trimester, but it never really crossed my mind that I would be one of them.  I had 2 perfect pregnancies of my own and one amazing surrogate pregnancy that beat so many odds.  Why is this happening now?? 

Although I only miscarried yesterday, I am slowly beginning to accept the situation.  But, man, would I give anything to wake up tomorrow and this all be just a nightmare.  I know nothing I could have done could have changed the situation, but it feels only natural to feel some sort of guilt.  I just hope someday soon this moment will be behind me as I am holding my brand new newborn baby.  Only time will tell if, and when, this dream of mine will finally come true.     

Where Are You Karma Gods?

I really don't think I am owed anything for having 3 beautiful baby girls for complete strangers, but I think I do deserve some sort of break here.  I can't believe how long it has been and still no baby for me =(.

Okay, some of you may think that 6 cycles of baby making are nothing compared to years and years that some people endure before getting a chance of parenthood, but this is so unexpected for me.  C'mon, my first son was our little honeymoon baby and let's just remind everyone the importance of not missing even ONE birth control pill.  BUT, I love you Jackson and I wouldn't change things for the world.  Our second little guy was a spur-of-the-moment decision (so technically he was planned and I won't blame that on the bottle of wine that was consumed during the decision making), but we got him in just one shot.  No wonder why this guy is a little stinker... there is no stopping him from getting what he wants at any time!!  Then, on my first transfer with A & M, I am successful times 3!!!  I guess with everything that has happened with my uterus in the past 5 years I just kinda expected to get what I wanted, when I wanted. 

I am now on my 3rd cycle of REALLY trying to conceive, but my 7th of not, not trying.  I am nailing my ovulation time down to the hour and "doing the deed" maybe even more then I can usually handle.  The hubby has been one lucky guy =).  This whole trying thing is so new to me and I am trying my best to accept it, but that doesn't mean that I am not frustrated out of my mind!!! UGH!!!!!  I just wish I knew what was going on in there!  I would hate to think that my long a** recovery from the triplets had anything to do with it, but I know 8 months of postpartum bleeding wasn't exactly "normal".

Right now, all I can do is wait.  Continue to try, maybe not so much, and try not to stress as I spend pointless dollars of home pregnancy tests just to see Aunt Flo has showed days after. 

I do realize now a small piece of what couples go through to get that baby they so desire.  This last one of ours has been planned for sooooo long.  I think after we had our 2nd, Max, we knew when we wanted to have our 3rd and last baby, and this time has been thought of for so long.  It hurts to want something so bad, seeing others get it so easily, and just be let down month after month.  I gotta tell you though how annoying people can be with their comments and I now know NOT what to say to people struggling to conceive.

"Once you stop trying, you will get pregnant".... okay, that's just dumb because what does a desire or want (which is a type of an emotion) have anything to do with the actual process of baby making?  How does actually timing sex on ovulation day PREVENT you from getting pregnant?  It's not like the sperm that enters say, "Oh, stay away from that egg because we only like to be surprises!!"  No, fools.  There are babies that are actually planned out there, believe it or not.

"It will happen in God's timing".... I am not an entirely religious person, but I do believe in God.  But, I do not believe that the only reason women don't get pregnant one month and then the other is all in His plans. There are more things that come into play other then God when making a baby.  If He had total control of this whole egg-meets-sperm thing, then don't you think there would be NO pregnant teens in this world??  And for me, it is really hard to believe that not one of those millions of sperms do not reach that egg each month because it isn't God's timing.  And what would be the difference for Him if I got pregnant now rather then in 3 months?!?  Again, dumb, so don't continuously attempt to comfort me with this.

And lastly (people phrase this differently, but I am trying to cover up their stupidity), "Do you ever think that if you didn't become a surrogate, your dreams of having a 3rd would have already come true?"  Hmmmmm, first, are you saying I am being punished???  Yes, some people really think that this is a sign that what I did was morally wrong and I am being sent a message here.  I have nothing to say to people who confront me with this (yes, there have been a few) because I can go on for days!!!  But, for those who think that my surrogacy had some sort of damaging results to my body and they want to know if that was the case do I regret my decision, then the answer is yes (I think about this sometimes), but no (I would not change a thing).  Being a surrogate was the most rewarding experience of my life and though I would never intentionally risk my life for it, I did take the chance of not having more of my own children in the future.  I am not saying that I wouldn't be tremendously hurt if I went to the doctor and he told me that I had some sort of permanent damage from carrying triplets and pregnancy was more then unlikely, but I think I would be okay with that.  I love Eve, May, and Lily so much and I could not imagine my life without this experience.  They not only changed my life and my outlook on the world, but they also gave so much inspiration to others and I will forever live with this amazing story to tell. 

And so, my journey continues to try and conceive another bun of my own and I am hoping that this happens VERY soon.  I am not a very patient person to say the least, but whoever is going to come into our lives in the next 9 or so months, is well worth the fight.