Tuesday, August 21, 2012

What a Roller Coaster Ride...

I wish someday I could come on here and give all of my readers some positive news about my attempts at becoming a mother again after the delivery of my surro triplets.  But, I guess the reality is, that is not the case.  After my miscarriage in May, I really thought that I did my time; I experienced the heartache that many women are forced to go through and that I was so naive to think it couldn't happen to me.  Enough damage done... give me a damn baby already!!

Well, although the doctor's "orders" were to take the following 2 cycles off to let my body heal, we continued to do as much baby dancing as we could, hoping to conceive and fill that emptiness in our hearts.  Just a few months after our devastating miscarriage, we got pregnant again!! We got a positive pregnancy test last week and we were so thrilled! Of course we decided not to go crazy, telling friends and family of the wonderful news, so keeping it to ourselves was so hard!! As each day passed, that positive line on the pregnancy tests got fainter and fainter. Immediately we started to worry. Please don't let this happen again.  I really was starting to "feel" pregnant, so I decided that maybe I should get a blood test to make sure everything was ok. Well, the morning I was going to head to the doctor's office, I woke up bleeding and clotting, huge drop in temperature, and I got a negative pregnancy test.

Words cannot express how confused I am right now.  I am so angry, frustrated, devastated, and just disappointed.  Why is this happening to me??  I have been on this trying-to-conceive journey for exactly a year now and all I have to show for it is 2 losses.  I should be changing diapers, getting sleepless nights, and sharing my love with a 3rd and final baby in this moment.  I shouldn't have to let conceiving consume my every thoughts and free moments.  This is so unfair!!!!

And so, my next step is to get some testing done.  Apparently there is an issue here.  I have difficulty getting pregnant and now I have difficulty staying pregnant.  Funny how I can go from being a baby machine to a woman with infertility issues all in the same lifetime.  I was classified as a woman with "perfect baby making gear" after all of my testing to become a surrogate, but something has changed all of that.  It could be a multiple of things, but whatever it is I just pray to God it is an easy fix.  My biggest fear is that the horrific details of my triplet delivery and postpartum healing left me with some permanent damage. I don't think I could face that fact and I would feel awfully guilty if something like that came about.

I would never in a million years regret the 3 little gifts I gave to my IP's.  But, I honestly wish I was better educated about surrogacy before I made that big decision to become one.  I will admit that I was in severe denial in the beginning that I could even get pregnant with multiples, and I especially never thought being a surrogate would alter my chances of having more children later in life.  I never received the advice that I feel all surrogates should receive- Women most definitely should be done having their own biological children before becoming a surrogate, or if they want to take that risk, then they need to be at peace with it if anything tragic should happen.  I know many surrogates don't see any possible damage being done in their future or current surrogate pregnancy, but I thought that too.  Of the women I know that carried triplets for another couple, most of them had a horrible postpartum experience and a few of them had to get lady parts removed.  Bad things DO happen to good people, and whether you agree with me or not, I have to stand by the fact that women should be done building their own family before helping another.

I am in no way saying that if I wasn't a surrogate I wouldn't be experiencing these fertility issues, but I think it makes perfect sense.  No one could explain the 7 month postpartum bleeding and clotting.  That was in no way "normal" to me and I just wish someone did more to help me.  I can't blame anyone at this point.  All I can do is let myself grieve, move on, try again, and get some answers.  Next month I will be visiting my doctor to begin the testing and hopefully someday soon I will be experiencing a very happy and healthy pregnancy.