Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Down to One =(

It took me a few days to post the news, and I hate having to report this.  We had a routine doctors appointment on Monday and sadly we got disappointing news.

One of the twins did not make it.

It was a day full of mixed emotions.  Cameron and I really didn't know how to react.  As soon as the doctor started the ultrasound, I immediately saw only one baby.  In my mind I wanted to be so happy that we had gotten this far in a pregnancy and we could actually see what looked like a little gummy bear on the screen, but in my heart, I was very saddened.  Bittersweet.  Cameron and I held strong as the doctor "searched" for any second baby possibly hiding, but all that we ended up finding was what looked like a shrinking sac near our little survivor.

This is what doctors call Vanishing Twin Syndrome.  There was nothing any of us could have done to prevent it and my body will eventually absorb it.  It's just considered a miscarriage and should have no effect on the other baby.

On a positive note, I am still pregnant and this baby is doing perfectly!!! He/she is measuring right on track and we have a due date of May 28, 2013 (but will deliver about a week before that).  The heart rate couldn't have been better at 170bpm.  We were so relieved to actually see that heart beating on the ultrasound.  We are so blessed to have gotten this far and I just pray every day that no more bad surprises are in our path for the next 30 weeks.  Everyone is asking when we get to find out the sex.  Well, that isn't possible for another couple months BUT we aren't going to find out. I know, don't kill us.  This is something we have always wanted to do, so seeing as this is our last, now is the time!  And with what Cameron and I have been through in the past year, trying to conceive for 12 months with 3 miscarriages, we really could care less what the sex of this baby is.  We will be blessed either way.

Here is Baby Butcher!!! If you look closely you can see little legs and arms starting to form.  And about an inch above him/her you can see the other sac =( 

Here is my 8 week belly shot. Yes, I am showing already!! Seeing as this is my 6th baby, this is expected. 

So, now we continue thinking positive and going about a regular, singleton pregnancy.  I cannot help but worry every single moment of the day about the healthy baby inside of me.  I know everyone is trying to be supportive and tell me that it will be okay, but that's what I have been told before my last 3 losses.  I can only keep my head up for so long before I begin to get doubtful.  I know after I get out of this first trimester I will feel a little bit more relief, but I honestly will never feel safe.  In all my pregnancies, I have never felt so scared before.  I am trying my best not to stress, but I can't imagine having to go through another loss.  I just won't be able to do this all again.  Ever.  Please keep this baby in your prayers.