Thursday, December 22, 2011

Happy Holidays!!

Wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!!

I am so grateful for all of the love and support in my life and could not be more proud of where I am today.  2011 was a fabulous year and I am soooo excited for 2012...
let the baby making begin!!!  

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Thoughts and Changes!!

Well, yes, my blog looks VERY different!!  I added a little bit to my title so that people are aware that life does go on after surrogacy and the journey just doesn't end after poppin' out someone else's baby/babies!!  A lot of fellow surrogacy blogs just come to an abrupt end after delivering their surro baby and it leaves people like me wondering so much; how are the emotions post surrogacy journey?  How is the relationship with the IP's now that they finally have a family?  What are the thoughts that continuously go through the mind of a surrogate weeks, months, even years after the journey is over?

Well, it has been well over a year since giving birth to Eve, May, and Lily and not a day goes by where I don't think of them.  It isn't a feeling of missing them or feeling sad from "giving them up", it is more of a constant overwhelming emotion that I actually changed so many lives in so many ways.  I look at the pictures I have of them framed in my home (yes, I consider them an extended part of my family, so they have designated picture spots in my house) and I can't help but smile every time I see their faces.  Wow!!!  I did that?!?  It is still unbelievable to me in so many ways.  I can't say this enough, but being a surrogate is a feeling that is so indescribable, only those who have been through it really know what it feels like to give life to someone other then your own child.

I am not sure if my followers are still out there checkin' up on me, but I am here!!  I am still in the process of trying for that 3rd baby that I am dying to have!!  Things aren't perfectly easy with that, but the hubby and I have decided to calm the trying part down a bit, enjoy the holidays, and then after the first of the year we will really get things in gear and hopefully have a bun in my oven soon after that.  It seems as though I have been on this emotional roller coaster with conceiving my own after the triplets.  After the girls were born, I felt this need to just get pregnant right away; kind of like I needed to fill that void.  I don't know... it wasn't like I missed not having the baby part after birth, but more I missed the pregnancy part.  It was like, one minute I was pregnant with 3, experiencing a world of amazing emotions, and the next minute it all was gone.  It is beyond the most complicated situation, yet so incredible all at the same time.  Again, surrogate emotions here =).  It took me months of going through ups and downs, whether or not I should act on my emotions and get pregnant with my own child or another surro baby.  I decided I needed to find myself; get back to being ME.  I am so happy with that decision because I owed it to the ones I was forced to neglect during my surrogacy pregnancy.  I can happily say that today I absolutely LOVE my life!!!  There is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful for all the great things happening every day.  I love my boys tremendously and appreciate the fact that I get to stay home every day and watch every little milestone with them.  It is awesome!!  I am finally at a place where I know having another child will just complete our family.  I can't wish for anything more right now, but if things continue to not go as planned I am okay with that.  I think in the past month I realized how grateful I am to have 2 beautiful boys and the best husband in the world.  It will crush me not being able to be a mommy again, but I know I am at a state of mind where I know it will be okay and I will be able to move on and be the best mom to Jack and Max.

So, my journey continues after the life of being a surrogate.  I always have so many thoughts and emotions going through my mind about what I did for this family.  I continue to have a very close relationship with the girls and my IP's and I am so lucky for that.  I am not sure what will grow through this blog (my own baby, another surrogacy journey, who knows!!), but hopefully I will make great changes!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Growing Your Family After Surrogacy...

Okay, so this topic has really caught my attention lately and I have gotten so many different opinions and facts about the whole thing...

How does being a surrogate effect your chances of having more children of your own after your surrogacy journey?

Now that I have had over a year of recovering and I am FINALLY "normal", I am excited to say that we are ready to work on our 3rd and, most likely, last baby!!!  However, things aren't going as smoothly as I assumed they would go.  Without going into detail, I am not crazy Ms Fertile Myrtle anymore =(.  I am not yet in panic mode because I know I need to give it some more time even though I have NEVER had to give it time in the past.  Shoot, I got pregnant with my first while taking the pill religiously, my second happened on our first time trying for him, AND I got preggo as a surrogate with 3 babies!!  Hmmmm, maybe I do have a problem, maybe not? 

I have posted this issue on support sites and have also read up on other people's past problems with this and I have gotten so many different answers.  Some women say that their agency HIGHLY recommends a surrogate be 100% finished having their own kids before becoming a surrogate because of the risks.  My agency never warned me about anything like this possibly happening! Some women say that the fertility drugs you take to get pregnant can effect your own fertility later on. Some women have met past surrogates who ended up needing their own surrogate after their journey because they then experienced their own infertility.  Then there are women who claim that the chances of something going wrong and effecting your chances of having another baby after a surrogacy journey is so small and should not be stressed about.  This has all got me so confused!!

I am not jumping to any conclusion and claiming that I have a fertility issue as of now.  But, I can honestly say that something has changed.  My body hasn't felt the same since being a surrogate.  But I believe that this has more to do with the fact that I had triplets more then because I was a surrogate.  But after reading so many different comments and concerns, I just can't help but worry just a bit.  I couldn't imagine if there was a problem; that would just break my husband's heart and he did nothing to deserve this.  I am going to think VERY positive in the next few months and just have fun trying!!  I will be sooooo blessed when/if the time comes where I can announce that there is MY bun in MY oven!!  I really believe that I deserve this.  Wish me luck!!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Remembering the Loss of Babies...

I am so proud of my sister and her accomplishments.  She co-founded Walk to Remember  years after she experienced a horrible loss of her baby during pregnancy.  This organization has helped so many families and the support they give is just amazing!!  Last weekend, they had their 2nd annual Walk to Remember event and I was blown away with it all.  I was so honored to be able to be the photographer/videographer for the event and finally finished a video that is just so touching.  If you have about 15 minutes to spare, take a look at the event.... and you gotta watch the entire thing =)

**Make sure your volume is on and press HD to get the best quality**
Make take about 15 seconds to load!!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Happy Birthday, Max!!

My little Max is 3 years old (yesterday, so I'm a day late)!!  I really cannot believe how fast the last 3 years have gone and it is very sad to think that I no longer have a baby or a toddler in the house =(.  No more diapers, bottles, pacifiers, baby gates, or sleepless nights; just 2 big boys who have become so independent.  Seeing my youngest turn another year older really makes that urge to have another baby so much stronger!!  I know I can't wait for our tentative conception date (which is 7 loooonnnnggg months away), but it will be here before we know it and hopefully around January 2013 I will have my last little bundle of joy and my family will be complete.

Maxwell, happy birthday my little monkey.  Having you was one of the best yet craziest decisions me and your daddy have made; having 2 boys just 14 months apart has been quite the challenge but so amazing!!  Your laughter and sense of humor always makes me smile.  You have the most kissable cheeks, and although you are just like your mommy and aren't the overly affectionate type, everyone enjoys stealing hugs and kisses from you whenever they get the chance.  Even though you follow in your brothers shadows the majority of the time, you really are one-of-a-kind and have changed our lives so much!!  Love you, Max!!

 Wow!!  Me, 9 months preggo, getting ready for delivery.
LOVE  scheduled c-section!!

Meeting Maxwell Grant for the first time.

Jackson meeting his little "Brober"!
LOVE this picture!!

He was just the chunkiest, cutest thing!!

My BIG boys today

I'm 3!!

Love his smile =)

Mommy and daddy love him soooo much!!


Monday, September 19, 2011

1st Birthday Party!

The girls' birthday party this past Saturday was a blast!!  I was so happy to see all 3 of them and my IP's.  I think it has been over 3 months since I saw them all last so the girls definitely grew!!!  They are BIG healthy one year olds... I guess at their last high risk appointment their doctor told them that by their health, you would never know they were triplets delivered at 32 weeks.  They are much bigger then your average healthy singleton one year old and that is soooo awesome!!!  The girls are definitely ready to walk and I bet their parents will be chasing them around very soon.  It is so weird how their personalities haven't changed since birth; Eve is so serious and stares at you with these amazing huge eyes.  May is the fighter and just wants to explore and be put down.  Lily is just so content and takes in everything around her.  Although they are so much alike, they have so much different personalities.

With my family (husband, 2 boys, mom, and sister) in tow, we all headed to the birthday party.  Besides the girls and my IP's, there were some familiar faces.  One of my biggest supports through my pregnancy, my head nurse/coordinator, was there!!!  I hadn't seen her since my postpartum visit.  Without her, I don't think I could have survived and it was so awesome to talk with her again.  The girls' NICU nurse was also there with her family.  Even a baby that was neighbors to the girls in the NICU joined us with her mommy!! Oh, and I finally got to meet fellow bloggers and expected daddies of triplets, Our Journey to Fatherhood!!  It was soooo much fun!!

Anyway, I bet you really want to see some pics, so here they are:

Me and Eve, who had no problem jumping right into my arms



My oldest, Jackson

My youngest, Max


My sister with Lily and me with Eve

The boys watching Lily walk

Lily loved my mom

And she loved blowing kisses!!

She gave me lots of kisses!!


Max guarding the presents

Music time! Lily



My kids LOVE cake!!


Pool was a little too tempting =)

Wow!!  I just can't believe it has been over a year.  The girls are growing up so fast and I can't wait to watch every year that passes.  My IP said a very warming thing at the party when he introduced me to one of their friends, "This is our surrogate."  I replied, "Well I WAS your surrogate."  They then replied, "To us, you will always be our surrogate."  That just meant a lot to me because even after all this time, I still mean a lot to them.  I didn't know if time was going to naturally drift us apart, but I am happy to say that it has only had the opposite effect.  I am very lucky =)

It was honor to attend this big day.  Every day that passes makes me feel more and more proud of the thing I did for this family.  I cannot imagine life without my surrogacy journey.  It really is an overwhelmingly, awesome feeling!!!

Happy Birthday, Eve, May, and Lily!!

I dug up some pics of the girls shortly after birth, and a year has definitely made some changes:

Eve (Baby A- Identical to May)
Eve, 1 year old!
May (Baby B- the smallest, identical to Eve)
May, 1 year old!
Lily (Baby C- first to go home)
Lily, 1 year old

Friday, September 2, 2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Eve, May, and Lily!!!!!

My surro triplets are ONE year old today!!

Wow!!!  Can you all believe it has been a year???  I sure can't.  It seems like just a few months ago I was miserably preggo with triplets in the dead heat of summer.  I remember their birth day like it was yesterday... what an indescribably amazing moment. I never knew how I would feel towards these girls a year from delivery before I had them.  Would I miss them?  Would I worry about them?  Would I want to leave them alone to live their own lives?  This was all a new experience for me so I was just hoping for the best, emotionally.  But, I've gotta tell you that how I felt about them the moment they were born hasn't changed a bit and I can't be more thankful for them in my life.  I am so proud to have been given the opportunity to be their surrogate mother.  I am so proud of myself for getting through one of the toughest challenges of my life.  I am so proud to have had the honor of making my IP's parents.  I wouldn't change a thing.

Just a little while ago I received a delivery.  My IP's and the girls sent me flowers, thanking me for giving them the most amazing gift one year ago.  I could not believe this!!  It honestly brought tears to my eyes knowing how much they think about me and continue to appreciate what I did for them.  Every time we see each other, talk, or they send me pictures, I am constantly reminded of how fortunate I am to be apart of their lives.  It is a relationship that has worked out perfectly for all of us and that I will never take for granted.  I have so much to be thankful for.

Thanks so much, A and M!!!!

This was the last belly pic

9/02/10 About to deliver!!

A year later...

VERY happy =)  

I can't wait to see the girls at their birthday party in a couple weeks.  My boys have never met the triplets and only have seen them through the pics I have framed in our house.  They have gotten their names down, so I am looking forward to them all seeing each other face to face.  I will definitely have lots of pics to share with all of you.  It will be lots of fun!!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Children of Surrogacy

I found a very interesting discussion on a surrogate group I am apart of on BabyCenter.  Someone had come across a short blog, The Son of a Surrogate, from years ago which can be found here.  The first time I read this, I had so many mixed emotions; I was mad that someone would judge any surrogate/egg donor in this way, I was sad that he had developed these feelings as a result of something I am largely apart of, I was annoyed with the way his mother (aka adoptive mother) handled the situation, and I was just confused and really didn't know what was the right thing to think about all of this.

After thinking about it for awhile it finally occurred to me that there may be many children out there who are experiencing these emotions as a result of surrogacy.  Although some of us can argue that these feelings may or may not be valid, the truth of the matter is that everyone is entitled to have feelings/mixed emotions especially as a result of something so life changing.  Then it got me thinking about how some IP's decide to cut off communication with a surrogate shortly after the birth.  Maybe that is their way of avoiding any sort of emotional roller coaster for the child as they grow up?  Maybe they do have a very valid reason when they do this.  I am not saying I enjoy seeing my fellow surrogates experience this sudden ongoing pain, but I can kind of understand the IP's motives.

As surrogacy gets more and more popular and widely used, we don't quite know how this may effect children growing up.  I do believe it is best to be upfront and honest with children in the beginning about who and where they came from, but sometimes this doesn't happen.  I absolutely don't disagree with the work I did as a surrogate or what any surrogate is doing, but I really believe there will be some children that grow up and will not be accepting of the situation.  It can be so similar to the feelings that an adoptive child might experience; although they had an amazing childhood growing up all thanks to their adoptive parents, there are still many that experience a difficult time with the fact that they came from somewhere else.

There are many different situations that happen with surrogacy; traditional surrogacy (surrogates egg, IF's/donors sperm), surrogacy using IF's sperm with egg from ED, surrogacy using an egg and sperm donor, set of 2 IF's using an egg donor with one/both sperms, etc.  So some situations can be harder for children to accept over time.  I guess I just really hope that IP's do the best job they can on raising these surro babies with as much knowledge and understanding of how they came into this world.  I think ignoring the issue and trying to hide it may only cause more damage as the truth finally comes out one day.  Hmmm, what do you guys think about all of this??

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Does it Ever End?!?

I am sick of this "recovery" stage of pregnancy.  Yes, the triplets will be ONE in less then a month and I am still dealing with post delivery issues every now and then.  Believe it or not, I think I passed my very last blood clot about two and a half months ago!!!  Yay, finally!!!  The birth control pill I was prescribed to regulate my period that I was getting every other week (who knows if this was menstrual bleeding or continued recovery bleeding) finally kicked in 7 months later and I just had a normal cycle!!!  Things started looking up until I noticed a continued change in my body...

Things were still not back to normal with me, but I thought this was just going to "work itself out over time" (well, that's what I was told over and over again by so many different doctors).  Yes, I know I was very anemic after birth because of the amount of blood that I lost, I know my hormones were all out of whack because I carried triplets, and I know that my body will never be the same again because I did something very unnatural.  But come on people, sometimes things just don't disappear like we would like them to. 

I basically gave up about 6 months postpartum.  I wasn't getting any answers to why I continued bleeding and why I was feeling certain symptoms still.  I prayed every trip to the bathroom that exposed another golf ball sized clot.  I even tried to hide it from my husband because he was beyond pissed that I was still struggling with a full and healthy recovery.  In a way, I was afraid what the doctor might tell me; possibly having long term damage to my uterus and never being able to have more children.  I was so thankful when I had 2 full months of normal womanly activity; I was so happy I felt like throwing a party!!  I still noticed weird changes in my body, very uncomfortable changes that I won't get into.  Anyway, I finally saw a couple specialists and I FINALLY found out that I have a hormonal imbalance.  Who knows how long this has gone on?  Who knows if this is a direct result of the pregnancy or a cause of another postpartum issue that was left untreated?  Who knows if this was left untreated any longer what it could have done?  All I can tell you is that all of my symptoms began after birth and continued up until this day and the new medication that is prescribed is supposed to help balance me out and prevent these abnormal bodily behaviors. 

So, I am to be on this monitored drug for a VERY long time.  In order to take this medication, I must have frequent blood work done in order to maintain my hormone and potassium levels.  This is not a cure, so once I go off of it, it is very likely the problem will reoccur.  We are hoping that while taking this, my body will adjust itself over time (basically by my body maturing differently with age).  Of course there are lots of side effects to this medication, which I am not too happy about, but I am hoping it is worth it. 

The main thing I am concerned about, is having another baby.  There is NO WAY you should get preggo on this drug because it is a hormonal drug which can severely mess with a fetus.  I have to be VERY strict with birth control, which also makes me very nervous.  So, when I plan my next pregnancy (which I originally wanted to start trying early 2012), I need to have tests done in order to have the "okay".  Well, that sucks!!!  I guess that is what needs to be done to have a healthy baby, but it is just not what I was expecting at all.  Why can't I just have a normal life after surrogacy?  Why did everything come back to haunt me?  I can keep telling myself that all the struggles were worth it, but as the girls are turning one and completely happy and healthy, I am still struggling, and will continue to for God knows how long!!!  I guess I am now just dealing with it and trying not to discuss much of it with my loved ones... I know how frustrating it can be and I know that they know I don't deserve this after what I have been through.  My biggest hope is that time just fixes me and I will get that healthy baby that I agree is well deserved =) 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Kids DO Say the Funniest Things!!

I know this is so not surrogacy related, but I just had to share what I experienced with my 4 year old today.  My kids give me a good laugh on a daily basis, but today, I was hysterical!!!  Hope you enjoy a good laugh =)

I was changing Liliana's (the baby I have been a nanny for) diaper on the couch.  I guess the boys are usually not around when I am completing this task.  But, Jackson and I had a really funny conversation when he was watching me today:

As I take her diaper off, Jackson approaches slowly, mouth wide open with concern.  I watched him from the corner of my eye to watch what his reaction was.  He then pulls the waist of his shorts out, looks down at his family jewels, and then back at Liliana's diaper area, still looking as if he were in shock.

Me: "What's wrong, Jackson?"
Jack: "What happened to Liliana??  It's gone!!!"
Me: (So trying not to laugh) "What's gone, Jack?"
Jack: "The baby has 2 butts!!!!  Her pee-pee is gone!!"
Me: (Now laughing hysterically) "She doesn't have 2 butts, honey.  She's a girl, so she has no pee-pee."
Jack:  (Pointing at her area) "Then what is THAT?!?"
Me: (Now in tears) "Girls don't have pee-pees, they have vaginas."
Jack: (Now with a very embarrassed smile on his face, hands pressed against his cheeks) "That's so funny, mommy.  I like that word."

Oh my goodness!!  I still am laughing at this hours later.  Daddy is going to love this story when he gets home.  Now, let's hope Jackson doesn't love this word TOO much because we will have a big issue on our hands =)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

F You, Infertility!!

The title speaks for itself.  Yes, if infertility was a person, I would kick their ass!!!  For some reason or another, we are not all created equally and some of us are robbed of many pleasures in life.  One of those robbed pleasures that I have gotten myself so damn invested in ever since being a surrogate is people's struggles with infertility.

I can't help but invest so much of my time taking part in online support groups and communities that not only discuss surrogacy in detail but also infertility struggles at it's worst.  I feel for these couples and even though I may never meet them I really feel horrible with some of the pain they endure.  I just can't walk away from it all because I know the problem is, and will always be, there. 

My friend had very bad news today.  After years of struggling to get pregnant, she was informed that her transfer had failed =(  I won't go into detail about her story in respect to her and her husband, but I can just tell you that it has been very rough for them.  I hate the fact that 2 young and healthy people cannot become parents naturally like we were meant to do.  They struggle and will continue to until the day where they will become parents.  It is so hard to find the right words to express to my friend and other women who are in her situation.  I can't help but feel some sort of guilt; my biggest worry about pregnancy is taking my pill at the exact moment my phone alarm goes off because if I am even 10 minutes late, I will most likely end up pregnant!  While some women are going to the bathroom every month praying for their period not to be there and tearing up when they get it, I am in the bathroom feeling a huge sense of relief when Aunt Flo stops in for a visit on time.  I am currently reading a book, "How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby", while most women who are struggling could care less about the sex... just as long as it is healthy.  I know none of this is my fault, but I just feel horrible...

It really gets me thinking.  Is it selfish of me to have more children of my own?  I do have 2 amazing boys, and just started planning on when our 3rd should come.  But as we are hoping for just one more, there are people out there just hoping for one.  I know, I know... me not having another baby isn't going to help another woman have a child, but this is just the guilt I feel.  It also gets me thinking that maybe I should think about being a surrogate again sooner then I was originally thinking.  I think I am okay with the fact that I may only be allowed 2 more pregnancies at most because I am happy with the children I have now and giving a couple a child would be worth so much.

I really don't know where this is going, but I just want to let all those struggling couples out there know that I understand and I just wish I could go door to door recruiting surrogates (that's not such a bad idea!!).  In the meantime, I will try to convince women not to give up and no matter how they get to parenthood, they'll get there and it will all be worth it.

I love you, T!!!  Keep up that amazing strength of yours.

Friday, July 15, 2011

I Feel Loved!

I don't think I express it enough, but my IP's (are they even considered IP's anymore?) are the BEST!!!  I know there are a lot of you out there who think the same thing about yours, but I don't know how much better this couple can get. 

The girls are getting so close to their 1st birthday!!  Oh my goodness, can you believe it?!?  I really cannot believe how fast the past 10 1/2 months went and sometimes I wish we could do it all over again.  Anyway, who doesn't throw a huge 1st birthday party, especially for triplet girls?!  These girls have come a long way and a first birthday is something to celebrate.  It definitely is a big day for all of us; it was the day when my IP's finally became parents after the LONG struggle and it was a day that fulfilled one of my biggest dreams and gave me a whole new perspective on life.  September 2nd is a day to celebrate!!  Well, the reason I feel so loved by my IP's is because of the greatest gesture... they were planning for a birthday party a weekend I was out of town for my sister's bachelorette party.  As bad as I sound, when they told me the date I was really considering going to the triplets party as well as the bachelorette party (probably missing a lot of that)!!  But, then again, only I, or someone like me, would understand how much going to celebrate their birthday means to me.  I didn't have to make much of a decision because my IP's changed the date just for me!!!  When they told me that, I just about wanted to cry. Okay, so it may not seem like a big deal to you, but this couple has so many friends and family all over the country, but they wanted to make sure me and my family were there before anyone. 

I honestly feel so lucky to have them in my life.  I remember during the pregnancy, I had no idea how our relationship was going to be after the birth. It was really awkward to discuss and I really had no idea what their intentions were.  I decided that taking it day by day would be the best, and it worked out perfectly.  We stay in contact often, and I can visit whenever I like.  I definitely respect their space and I know they are super busy, so a couple weeks may go by that I don't hear from them which is totally fine and expected.  But, if I ever feel like I am missing them (by them, I mean the whole family), I shoot them an email and just ask for an update.  They then respond with TONS of pics and updates on the cute and fun things they are doing.  I LOVE it!!

If my IP's are reading this, just know how much I love and appreciate everything you do!!

I know there are some surrogates out there who are not as fortunate and I am so sorry.  I really could not imagine if communication was cut off and I had no idea how and what they were doing.  Yes, Intended Parents have no obligation to maintain an open and ongoing relationship, nor are they responsible for our mental state anymore, but I don't know how any surrogate is just expected to give birth and walk away from a family she created without feeling depressed.  There isn't much that can be done in that situation and I feel so bad for these women =(  If you are an IP out there, just please take everything into consideration before making any decision when it comes to communication with your surrogate.  You truly don't understand how much an ongoing relationship means to us, no matter how big or small it is.  Believe me when I say that a surrogate has no intention of taking the motherly role away from you... we just want that constant reassurance that what we did was worth every minute and every struggle and to feel that everlasting appreciation.

Monday, July 11, 2011

My Uterus is Like a Harley Ride...

There is one person in my life that knows almost exactly what I went through as a surrogate.  This person was there every step of the way; the agency hunt, the IP meet and greet, screenings, contracts, blood work after blood work, first transfer, a phone call that revealed a failed transfer, a second phase of screenings, another IP meet and greet, another transfer, the reveal of triplets, every up and down of the pregnancy, the delivery of the triplets, NICU visits, pumping breast milk several times a day, and now visits with the family I helped create.

My husband was my #1 support throughout the entire surrogacy and without him I really don't know whether I could have done any of it.  He should be just as proud of himself as he is of me.

Now that my surrogate journey is over and the past is behind us, I think about what the future holds in terms of another surrogacy.  I feel like I have so many pros and cons of the entire process running through my mind every hour of the day.  I don't necessarily share these feelings much with anyone.  In a way, I am just trying to avoid over reactive comments from family and friends.  In other words, many people will think I'm crazy:

"You already were a surrogate, so why do you need to do it again?"
"You hated the pregnancy."
"You really want to put your family through that again?"
"Wasn't helping one family enough?"
"What about having your own children?"
"Are you ever going to stop?"
"Do you think this is good for your body?"

There are so many answers to these questions, but I am really sick of answering them.  So, I keep my thoughts to myself about a second journey and if/when the time comes where I want to do it again, I will deal with the annoyances then.

BUT, I don't keep anything from my husband.  I completely understand and respect his opinion about me doing another surrogacy.  He can never forget those scary moments in the delivery room where my life was at risk.  Losing 20 times the normal amount of blood would be scary for anyone.  So many things went through his head as I lay there, fading in and out, holding my lifeless hand as 25+ doctors and nurses were screaming and running in and out of the delivery room.  If you know my husband you know how emotional and touchy he can get about the talk of death.  From the moment I came out of surgery, he stated that he never wanted to think or talk about the delivery again; that was the scariest thing that ever happened to him.

I understand where he is coming from.  But I am not too sure he completely understands what I feel about it deep down inside.  The last time we had this conversation, a light bulb went off in my head!!  My uterus is like a Harley Ride...

I hate the fact that my husband has a motorcycle.  He purchased his Harley Davidson when our oldest was just beginning to walk and I was pregnant with our youngest.  I didn't like the idea, but after much convincing, I allowed him to get one.  He LOVES to ride.  As a woman, I can't really understand or relate.  As time went on, he did have a few scary incidents that could have ended badly if he didn't make the quick decisions he had made in the moment.  Every time I would hear of or see a motorcyclist dead on the rode because of another careless driver, I think of how that could have been him.  I remind him all of the time that he has a family and maybe having a motorcycle isn't such a good idea anymore.  But, as the discussion always ends, this is his passion and he promises me nothing will ever happen to him.

So, here I am with a passion of surrogacy that can be very risky (in some people's minds).  My husband wasn't so hot on the idea of me being a surrogate until I did MY convincing and got him on board.  From then, he was fine with the idea and even enjoyed being apart of the entire process.  As a man, he cannot understand completely the thrill I got from carrying 3 babies for another family no matter how difficult it was at times.  It's impossible for him to know what emotions come into play during and after a pregnancy, especially as a surrogate mother.  Most of my emotions are unexplainable; it takes being a surrogate to completely understand.  Yes, I put my life at risk just like he does every time he hops on that bike.  Yes, there is no guarantee that I won't be pregnant with triplets again just like there is no guarantee that there won't be any stupid drivers around him during his ride.  Yes, people die in child birth on occasion just like people die on motorcycle rides.  Yes, being a surrogate is my passion just like riding is his.

I think I put things into perspective for him and he can now relate more then ever.  I haven't seen a FOR SALE sign on his bike yet, so I know being a surrogate again isn't out of the question.  I would never make a decision to become a surrogate without his full support, and I don't want to have to beg and plead.  I think over time he will come around if this is what I still really want.  But until then, I want him to be able to forget what happened in the past and give him time to heal from that emotional experience.  I love my husband more than anything in this world and he will always be my number one support. 

Love you, Honey!!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Happy Birthday to My Little Lover, Jackson!!

I know this is not entirely surrogacy related, but I wanted to wish my oldest son, Jackson, a very happy 4th birthday today!!  This guy has changed my life in so many ways.  When he first came into my life, I instantly fell in love.  I never knew I could love someone the way I love him.  He made me a mommy and I couldn't be happier with the relationship we share.  He is the biggest little lover you will ever meet; there is not a day that goes by where my day is not filled with lots of hugs and kisses.  I love you, Jack!!
24 hours of labor SUCKED! And after pushing a 10 1/2 pound baby out, 
I NEVER want to do that again!

 This was THE BIGGEST baby in the NICU! He had a little infection =(

Me and Jack, just days old

Now Jackson (left) is 4 and his best friend is
his little brother, Max!

So handsome at his bowling party

Nice job!!

Thanks CaliCakery!! (Oh, wait, that's me!!)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

My thoughts on a future surrogacy

As most of you experience after your first or second surrogacy, one question you get asked most is whether you are going to do another surrogacy again.  Some women know right after delivery that they are up to helping a family again as soon as they can.  There are even some who thought the process was altogether emotionally difficult and are happy with just one. Then, there are women like myself who go back and forth so many times and are not sure whether or not another surrogacy is best for them.  I have outweighed so many pros and cons of being a surrogate mother.  In a way I am so satisfied with my one journey and I not only had one baby, but 3!!  On the other hand, I feel some sort of responsibility to someone out there.  Here I am with this amazing gift and if I already succeeded with one surrogate pregnancy, why should I stop myself from helping someone again if I am physically and emotionally able to?  And I do have to take my family's thoughts and opinions into consideration as well.  They are effected by this just as much as anyone and I would not want to become a burden on anyone again.

After over 9 months of the going back and forth game, I have really learned so much about myself and about my decision thanks to some close friends and family.

After being a surrogate, people you know really start to open up and trust you with their infertility issues.  I had no idea how many people I know personally who are having serious problems with getting pregnant.  It breaks my heart to have to sit here and read or listen to the things they are going through while I am on the other end with this professional uterus that can not only have babies of her own so easily, but also have someone else's babies as well.  I know it isn't my fault, but I just feel so guilty.  Why am I so blessed in this area while others are not?  What did I do to deserve this child bearing ability?  Whatever the reason, I am so glad that I took full advantage of it.

I just got done talking with an old best friend of mine, who has had her fair share of struggles, and it just got me thinking about a lot of things.  I also got some very bad news from a VERY close relative of mine and can not stop thinking about what her future will entail.  The list goes on, but these 2 people really hit me hard.  Not only are they so young and beautiful, but they don't deserve this.  No one does.

So, I think I have made my final decision about the future of my surrogacy.  Since I am technically allowed only 2 more pregnancies (putting me at 4 c-sections, which is pushing it especially since one was a triplet pregnancy), that leaves me with a big decision.  I have decided to have one more of my own, leaving me with 3 children.  I know I have gone back and forth whether I wanted to wait or not for another baby, but I think my hormones have settled down and in the next several months my husband and I are going to try one last time =)  I really want our kids to be close in age and my oldest turns 4 in a few weeks, so we need to get on it (literally!!).  After we have our little miracle, my plan is to help a friend or even family member who really deserves it.  That is the biggest dream of mine; being a surrogate for someone close to me and being able to give them a miracle.  There is no guarantee that someone may need my help, but I am putting it out there and let them know that they will always have me to fall back on.  I couldn't imagine helping a complete stranger knowing that I know several women out there that are struggling and just cannot afford surrogacy like most couples.  Besides, wouldn't it just be an AMAZING story to tell?!?

The other option I would consider, but highly doubt will happen, is if the parents of the triplets decided to have another child.  Could you imagine another set of triplets?!?  I have asked them lots of times and I think they are very happy with their 3 girls, but if the slight chance arises, I would never back down from that opportunity.

I have no idea what may happen in the future, but I am just hoping that God has great plans for me.  I know I need to help someone again and I would get no greater satisfaction then doing it for a loved one.  Let's hope that nature does its thing and it does not have to come to this, but if it doesn't, then I pray I will be able to help.  Love all my girls struggling out there... don't give up because it's worth the fight!!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Another Visit!!

This past Sunday, my hubby and I made a day out of visiting the girls and their parents.  We had the greatest time and my surro triplets are just the cutest things!!!

We got there just in time to get them up from their first nap.  As soon as we walked into the nursery... big smiles!!!  I didn't want to overwhelm them with 2 strange faces, but they warmed up very fast.  I held Eve immediately and all she wanted to do was give me hugs!!  She had a very tight grip onto me =)  After May was all changed, I got to hold her.  Every time I spoke, she would back away from me and give me this very confused look.  Believe it or not, it was like she was familiar with my voice.  Both Eve and May had no problem with me and they loved my company.  Lily was great with me too, but for some reason, she LOVED Cameron (my hubby).  Throughout the entire day, Lily would make her way to him and always made sure he was looking her way.  Too cute (he needs a girl =)

We then went to feed the chunks... they eat soooo much!!!  It is so cute how feeding becomes an assembly line.  They eat all kinds of fruits and veggies and are only down to 3 bottles a day.  Those chunky girls are getting so big that the doctor requested that they get rid of the 4th bottle they were getting.  Go girls!!

Next, it was time to play.  Now that the girls are older (9 months old), they can stay up for longer periods of time.  We got to play for 3 hours!!!  We even took them outside and had a great time watching them roll, chew, laugh, and play. 

After we all put them down for their nap, I couldn't believe how well their parents are at this now.  They make having triplets so easy!! So very happy and proud of this family I helped create. 

I know you want to see some pics, so here are a few... enjoy!!

I bought them each a Juicy summer dress

Me with Eve and May (the identicals)

Little May (I think)

Eve, May, and Lily

Lily is so close to crawling

Possibly May

Lily would roll all the way to Cameron

Impossible to get a pic with them all looking and smiling

Baby Eve (pretty sure!)

Lily, posing for Cameron

Cameron and Lily

Eve, modeling the dress... and then they all started to fight over the 
gift bag!!!