Thursday, April 29, 2010

This Isn't Easy

14 weeks down, too many to go!!  I can say that I am happily out of the first trimester, no more nausea.  My appetite is slowly coming back and I am gradually gaining all that weight.  I am going to Loma Linda Hospital now, which is AMAZING, every 2 weeks getting ultrasounds and check-ups.  Soon, we will be going every week which will definitely keep me busy.

At our 12 week ultrasound, we got an image of all 3 babies together.  I think this photo is awesome and so unbelievable.  All of those are in me!!!
It's so weird how they already have their own little personalities.  One baby was so calm, trying hard to sleep the whole time.  One baby thought he/she was so cute by striking a pose every time we scanned over them.  And the third baby was so crazy, continuously dancing and hitting the other ones!! All I can say is the IP's are definitely going to have their hands full.

At my 14 week check-up today, we all are doing great and there are no major concerns.  We get to find out the sexes in 2 weeks!!  That will be exciting.  There is a lot of shopping that needs to be done.

As for myself, my emotions and stress has gotten the best of me.  I'm definitely not myself anymore and life seems to become more unpredictable every day that goes by.

No one said it was going to be easy, but no one knows how hard it actually is. 

There are not enough words or emotions to explain to everyone exactly what I am going through and how I am feeling.  Emotionally and physically, I feel that I am already 9 months pregnant and cannot go on for much longer.  Everyday has become a struggle.  I'm not supposed to lift my boys, give them a bath, take them to the park, or simply play hide and seek with them.  I can't take a shower without my husband present in fear that I might pass out.  Blow drying my hair makes me winded.  A 10 minute phone conversation causes me to lose my breath and heart race.  These are just some of the things I have been experiencing and I haven't been too accepting of it.

Yes, although I have the best IP's anyone could ask for who have hired all the help I could need, the mommy of my family is still missing.  I hate seeing someone else perform my duties to my family.  It kills me seeing the puzzled look on Jack and Max's face when mommy is not herself anymore.  Poor little Max doesn't understand why I am not picking him up when he cries.  Although Jackson loves lounging around and watching movies with mommy in bed all the time, he is wondering why I haven't taken them to the park or Disneyland for several weeks.  Yes, someone else can do those things for them, but that's my point.  I am their mommy and my connection with them is slowly being ripped apart.

Although my husband acknowledges my temporary disabilities, my role as a wife is starting to suck.  It takes a days worth of energy to do one load of laundry.  I never have the desire to cook meals anymore and I often send him off to work without a lunch.  Cameron works extremely hard, 50-60 hours a week, and the time we get to spend together has become more of a venting spree for me.  He listens and encourages me more than I deserve, but he misses his wife.

There's not much anyone can say or do that will actually comfort me.  No one understands what I am going through.  I know, I know... I am doing an amazing thing here and it will all be worth it in the end.  I know, I know.... I am doing a great job keeping these babies healthy.  I know, I know... I have so much support and people to talk to.  I know,  I know... this will be over soon.  But, do you know what it feels like to be me right now?  Do you know how it feels physically to carry 3 babies while at the same time trying to raise 2 toddlers?  Do you know how it feels knowing you are probably going to miss your child walking into the gates of his very first day of school and only seeing that milestone in photos? 

I do have to be thankful for the support I am getting.  I have amazing people behind me: dedicated parents-to-be, a sister who would drop anything to help when I need her, a mother who is always 2 steps ahead of me knowing what I need without saying the words, and a husband who would never give up on me and fight with me to the very end.  I love you all and we are going to get through this together.

After a long discussion with some of the hospital staff today, I realized that I'm allowing the pregnancy to take over my life, which is affecting us all.  I am going to start acknowledging my children and husband more and take time to tell each other how much we really mean to one another.  We need to ignore the babies in my belly sometimes and just focus on us, because when this is all over the babies will be gone and the 4 of us will still be here.  We need to continue living our lives as best as we can, and this surprise triplet pregnancy is only a test of our commitment to each other.  God never gives us more than we can handle, and I believe I am going to be just fine.

I'm going to take it day by day, thinking only in the moment and loving my family the way mommy used to!!!


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Injections, Pills, Meds, UGH!!!

So, 10 weeks finally came!!  Now that I am 12 weeks pregnant with 3 little miracles, I can now dispose of my mini pharmacy.

I don't think anyone, other than those going through fertility treatments, really understands what it takes to get pregnant the "unnatural" way.  When I began this entire process, back in October 2009, I was so thrilled to be able to actually start the medications and follow the never ending calendar of the day-to-day injection schedule.  I was excited to take the 2-3 injections, 6 vitamins, folic acid, steroid pills, and 2 vaginal suppositories each and every day.  My road to surrogacy was actually beginning!

After I had found out that my first attempt at a surrogate pregnancy failed, my whole outlook on taking all these medications changed immediately.  I felt like I had put my body through hell for nothing!!  Not to mention the massive amount of bruising on my back side, but between the hormones and steroids, I had gained over 10 pounds!!!  Clearly, I would have welcomed all of these side effects with open arms if I had something to show for it, but I was left with failure.

Like I have mentioned in a previous blog post, I was tremendously heartbroken that my first IP's decided to quit, but was that much more determined to help another family as soon as possible.

So, the meds continued...

Right from the start, I was so frustrated with the entire process before our transfer day.  The daily med schedule became such a hassle, but I knew I couldn't give up.  It wasn't that I wanted to help this family any less than my first family, but the entire time before the transfer I constantly thought, "what if I'm doing all of this for nothing, again?" After my transfer, and those long days of waiting for results, I continued with the medications.  At one point, I had a total breakdown.  When I originally set out on this journey I told myself I wasn't going to give up until I was successful.  However, after the realization of how hard this whole process was, I did not have it in me to continue if this transfer had failed.  Although I did dedicate myself to my IP's for 3 rounds, there was something inside of me that could not handle more disappointment.

Some of you, especially other surrogates, may be thinking that I am way overreacting to this whole medication issue, but what some don't realize is that I was on medication and injections since October!  I never gave myself a break between attempts, so for 6 months straight I put my body through it all.

So, all I can say is it's all over!

No more shots!  No more pills!!  No more suppositories!!!

I am all too thrilled that I was successful, times 3!!  All of my hard work and dedication paid off.  I can now say bye-bye to all of those needles and pills forever!!!