Thursday, April 29, 2010

This Isn't Easy

14 weeks down, too many to go!!  I can say that I am happily out of the first trimester, no more nausea.  My appetite is slowly coming back and I am gradually gaining all that weight.  I am going to Loma Linda Hospital now, which is AMAZING, every 2 weeks getting ultrasounds and check-ups.  Soon, we will be going every week which will definitely keep me busy.

At our 12 week ultrasound, we got an image of all 3 babies together.  I think this photo is awesome and so unbelievable.  All of those are in me!!!
It's so weird how they already have their own little personalities.  One baby was so calm, trying hard to sleep the whole time.  One baby thought he/she was so cute by striking a pose every time we scanned over them.  And the third baby was so crazy, continuously dancing and hitting the other ones!! All I can say is the IP's are definitely going to have their hands full.

At my 14 week check-up today, we all are doing great and there are no major concerns.  We get to find out the sexes in 2 weeks!!  That will be exciting.  There is a lot of shopping that needs to be done.

As for myself, my emotions and stress has gotten the best of me.  I'm definitely not myself anymore and life seems to become more unpredictable every day that goes by.

No one said it was going to be easy, but no one knows how hard it actually is. 

There are not enough words or emotions to explain to everyone exactly what I am going through and how I am feeling.  Emotionally and physically, I feel that I am already 9 months pregnant and cannot go on for much longer.  Everyday has become a struggle.  I'm not supposed to lift my boys, give them a bath, take them to the park, or simply play hide and seek with them.  I can't take a shower without my husband present in fear that I might pass out.  Blow drying my hair makes me winded.  A 10 minute phone conversation causes me to lose my breath and heart race.  These are just some of the things I have been experiencing and I haven't been too accepting of it.

Yes, although I have the best IP's anyone could ask for who have hired all the help I could need, the mommy of my family is still missing.  I hate seeing someone else perform my duties to my family.  It kills me seeing the puzzled look on Jack and Max's face when mommy is not herself anymore.  Poor little Max doesn't understand why I am not picking him up when he cries.  Although Jackson loves lounging around and watching movies with mommy in bed all the time, he is wondering why I haven't taken them to the park or Disneyland for several weeks.  Yes, someone else can do those things for them, but that's my point.  I am their mommy and my connection with them is slowly being ripped apart.

Although my husband acknowledges my temporary disabilities, my role as a wife is starting to suck.  It takes a days worth of energy to do one load of laundry.  I never have the desire to cook meals anymore and I often send him off to work without a lunch.  Cameron works extremely hard, 50-60 hours a week, and the time we get to spend together has become more of a venting spree for me.  He listens and encourages me more than I deserve, but he misses his wife.

There's not much anyone can say or do that will actually comfort me.  No one understands what I am going through.  I know, I know... I am doing an amazing thing here and it will all be worth it in the end.  I know, I know.... I am doing a great job keeping these babies healthy.  I know, I know... I have so much support and people to talk to.  I know,  I know... this will be over soon.  But, do you know what it feels like to be me right now?  Do you know how it feels physically to carry 3 babies while at the same time trying to raise 2 toddlers?  Do you know how it feels knowing you are probably going to miss your child walking into the gates of his very first day of school and only seeing that milestone in photos? 

I do have to be thankful for the support I am getting.  I have amazing people behind me: dedicated parents-to-be, a sister who would drop anything to help when I need her, a mother who is always 2 steps ahead of me knowing what I need without saying the words, and a husband who would never give up on me and fight with me to the very end.  I love you all and we are going to get through this together.

After a long discussion with some of the hospital staff today, I realized that I'm allowing the pregnancy to take over my life, which is affecting us all.  I am going to start acknowledging my children and husband more and take time to tell each other how much we really mean to one another.  We need to ignore the babies in my belly sometimes and just focus on us, because when this is all over the babies will be gone and the 4 of us will still be here.  We need to continue living our lives as best as we can, and this surprise triplet pregnancy is only a test of our commitment to each other.  God never gives us more than we can handle, and I believe I am going to be just fine.

I'm going to take it day by day, thinking only in the moment and loving my family the way mommy used to!!!



  1. Hi! I just discovered your, you are doing an extraordinary job right now- give yourself tons of credit! I am a surrogate in the early stages right now- 5.5 weeks along. We won't know until the ultrasound in May, but I could very well be carrying twins based on my past two betas which were really high. I am super nervous about twins & can not even imagine what triplets would be like! Wow! You will look back on this & know that you did a good thing & so will your children. Take good care of yourself! You are amazing!

  2. ....when this is all over the babies will be gone and the 4 of us will still be here. We need to continue living our lives as best as we can....

    This says it all right here. You might be a surrogate mom, but you are a wife & a mother first.

    You are brave. You are beautiful.

    Concentrate on the jobs that only YOU can do. You are the only one that can be a wife to your husband. You are the only one that can be a mom to your kids. You are the only one that can be a daughter to your parents. You can't take the kids to Disneyland right now, but someone else can. You might not be able to get all your laundry done or your meals cooked, but someone else can.

    When your children come to say good night to you - they say them to YOU!
    When your husband kisses you good-bye, he is only kissing YOU!

    Keep up the good work!

  3. "No one said it was going to be easy, but no one knows how hard it actually is."

    I can really relate to this, and I will probably quote you, if that is alright with you. Your post gives me hope. I tend to get my priorities mixed up quite often and you have just reminded me where my focus should be. Thank you, thank you for sharing!!