So, as time has gone on, the question gets more and more frequent: Will you do this again??
As I think about my answer every time I am asked, it becomes more and more likely that I plan to do surrogacy again. Yes, some of you may think I am nuts, especially my family members, but no one knows the feeling you get after you have given someone the greatest thing in life... a child, and in my case, 3 beautiful ones!! There are not enough words to explain how rewarding this experience was, how fulfilling it made me feel, or how my entire outlook on life has changed. It has made me a better mother and taught me to love and cherish every moment I have with my family, big or small. Many of you may think you already experience these feelings and appreciation for life, but I also thought my life was near perfect before I became a surrogate. I guess only the other surrogates out there really know what I am trying to explain. But, take my word for it, I am anything BUT nuts for wanting to do this again.
So, do I really think surrogacy is addictive?
Well, in a way, yes!! When I set out on my journey I told myself and everyone around me that I was only going to do this once. It was something I have always wanted to do, but I couldn't imagine myself going through this tough process more than one time. When I heard about other women having babies for two, three, and even four families, I thought they were absolutely CRAZY!!! Why in the world would they want to put themselves through that, that many times?!? And then the injections came, which was a pain in my a**... literally!! After that, the nausea... blah!!! And then followed the "WTF, I am having triplets!!" Months following, I was in the most unbearable position of my life, with the list of discomforts that I will spare you this time around!! And finally, a delivery where my life was at stake and I scared everyone by the amount of blood that I lost. And now, I want to do this again?!?
These emotions, or need I guess you can call it, completely change the moment a surrogacy comes to an end and the baby/babies are born. Throughout this journey of mine, I have met some amazing women who have been, or are currently, a surrogate. I was so lucky to have come across Kelly's blog one day, I'm not the Mom, I'm just the Stork!, and read about her past and current journey. Ironically, I remembered the pictures of her first IP's when I was at the fertility clinic when they were there visiting the doctor with their twins that Kelly delivered almost 2 years ago. From then, Kelly has virtually become a huge support system for me as well as the other surrogates she introduced me to. So, just need to give her a quick "Thank you!!" Anyway, through this little virtual group we have as well as other blogs that I have read up on, I notice a consistency with many surrogates. Without disclosing any names, here is what some women felt after their journey was over:
"In the past I've compared it to planning a wedding . . . how you spend almost a year planning for your wedding, this one day and in a matter of hours it's over. Yes, you're happy but later you're left with a 'now what do I do' since you spent so much time on the planning . . it's like you feel empty in a way."
"It's like the anticipation that builds up for Christmas morning - shopping, planning, hours of wrapping, and in 15 minutes, it's all over."
"They were so thankful, but it is definitely like closing a chapter on your life."
"I hate to say it's 'addictive' because that's not it, but there's all the attention, you're doing such a wonderful thing, you're pregnant, you're special and then it's just over. BAM! All those great feelings you had are gone, mixed with all the hormones, well it's just such a huge loss right after."
"I feel as if something was taken from me in a blink of an eye; not specifically the babies, but I think I am missing all of that hard work I did. I put in the hardest year of my life and dedicated a ton of energy and sacrifice, and all of a sudden, it's gone!!"
I really feel that although I had a rough journey, it was all over too soon. Yes, a pregnancy is less than a year, but I feel as though in that year I met some amazing people and formed incredible relationships. It all happened so fast and even though I prayed everyday for those last few months to fly by, I would love nothing more than to do it all again. Just to experience all of the emotions from myself and the IP's again would be beyond wonderful!!
So, I really can't say whether I am going to do this again or not. But I do feel like a newly recovering alcoholic right now; I just finished my rocky journey and now I am just itching to say "yes" and make that first move. But, I have to do what is best for me and my family right now. I need to be that loving wife to my husband, comforting mommy to my boys, and lively daughter to my mother. And my womb may not be available for the next few years anyway (my husband is already starting to ask for another one!!). But, as of today, my hope is that I will be able to be a surrogate one last time in the next 5 years. Who knows... maybe 3 isn't enough and my IP's want to go another round!!
Updates and pictures of the girls next time, I promise!! But, here is a pic of me and my boys on Halloween...
Max was Buzz and Jackson was Woody!