Does it Ever End?!?

I am sick of this "recovery" stage of pregnancy.  Yes, the triplets will be ONE in less then a month and I am still dealing with post delivery issues every now and then.  Believe it or not, I think I passed my very last blood clot about two and a half months ago!!!  Yay, finally!!!  The birth control pill I was prescribed to regulate my period that I was getting every other week (who knows if this was menstrual bleeding or continued recovery bleeding) finally kicked in 7 months later and I just had a normal cycle!!!  Things started looking up until I noticed a continued change in my body...

Things were still not back to normal with me, but I thought this was just going to "work itself out over time" (well, that's what I was told over and over again by so many different doctors).  Yes, I know I was very anemic after birth because of the amount of blood that I lost, I know my hormones were all out of whack because I carried triplets, and I know that my body will never be the same again because I did something very unnatural.  But come on people, sometimes things just don't disappear like we would like them to. 

I basically gave up about 6 months postpartum.  I wasn't getting any answers to why I continued bleeding and why I was feeling certain symptoms still.  I prayed every trip to the bathroom that exposed another golf ball sized clot.  I even tried to hide it from my husband because he was beyond pissed that I was still struggling with a full and healthy recovery.  In a way, I was afraid what the doctor might tell me; possibly having long term damage to my uterus and never being able to have more children.  I was so thankful when I had 2 full months of normal womanly activity; I was so happy I felt like throwing a party!!  I still noticed weird changes in my body, very uncomfortable changes that I won't get into.  Anyway, I finally saw a couple specialists and I FINALLY found out that I have a hormonal imbalance.  Who knows how long this has gone on?  Who knows if this is a direct result of the pregnancy or a cause of another postpartum issue that was left untreated?  Who knows if this was left untreated any longer what it could have done?  All I can tell you is that all of my symptoms began after birth and continued up until this day and the new medication that is prescribed is supposed to help balance me out and prevent these abnormal bodily behaviors. 

So, I am to be on this monitored drug for a VERY long time.  In order to take this medication, I must have frequent blood work done in order to maintain my hormone and potassium levels.  This is not a cure, so once I go off of it, it is very likely the problem will reoccur.  We are hoping that while taking this, my body will adjust itself over time (basically by my body maturing differently with age).  Of course there are lots of side effects to this medication, which I am not too happy about, but I am hoping it is worth it. 

The main thing I am concerned about, is having another baby.  There is NO WAY you should get preggo on this drug because it is a hormonal drug which can severely mess with a fetus.  I have to be VERY strict with birth control, which also makes me very nervous.  So, when I plan my next pregnancy (which I originally wanted to start trying early 2012), I need to have tests done in order to have the "okay".  Well, that sucks!!!  I guess that is what needs to be done to have a healthy baby, but it is just not what I was expecting at all.  Why can't I just have a normal life after surrogacy?  Why did everything come back to haunt me?  I can keep telling myself that all the struggles were worth it, but as the girls are turning one and completely happy and healthy, I am still struggling, and will continue to for God knows how long!!!  I guess I am now just dealing with it and trying not to discuss much of it with my loved ones... I know how frustrating it can be and I know that they know I don't deserve this after what I have been through.  My biggest hope is that time just fixes me and I will get that healthy baby that I agree is well deserved =)