Where Are You Karma Gods?

I really don't think I am owed anything for having 3 beautiful baby girls for complete strangers, but I think I do deserve some sort of break here.  I can't believe how long it has been and still no baby for me =(.

Okay, some of you may think that 6 cycles of baby making are nothing compared to years and years that some people endure before getting a chance of parenthood, but this is so unexpected for me.  C'mon, my first son was our little honeymoon baby and let's just remind everyone the importance of not missing even ONE birth control pill.  BUT, I love you Jackson and I wouldn't change things for the world.  Our second little guy was a spur-of-the-moment decision (so technically he was planned and I won't blame that on the bottle of wine that was consumed during the decision making), but we got him in just one shot.  No wonder why this guy is a little stinker... there is no stopping him from getting what he wants at any time!!  Then, on my first transfer with A & M, I am successful times 3!!!  I guess with everything that has happened with my uterus in the past 5 years I just kinda expected to get what I wanted, when I wanted. 

I am now on my 3rd cycle of REALLY trying to conceive, but my 7th of not, not trying.  I am nailing my ovulation time down to the hour and "doing the deed" maybe even more then I can usually handle.  The hubby has been one lucky guy =).  This whole trying thing is so new to me and I am trying my best to accept it, but that doesn't mean that I am not frustrated out of my mind!!! UGH!!!!!  I just wish I knew what was going on in there!  I would hate to think that my long a** recovery from the triplets had anything to do with it, but I know 8 months of postpartum bleeding wasn't exactly "normal".

Right now, all I can do is wait.  Continue to try, maybe not so much, and try not to stress as I spend pointless dollars of home pregnancy tests just to see Aunt Flo has showed days after. 

I do realize now a small piece of what couples go through to get that baby they so desire.  This last one of ours has been planned for sooooo long.  I think after we had our 2nd, Max, we knew when we wanted to have our 3rd and last baby, and this time has been thought of for so long.  It hurts to want something so bad, seeing others get it so easily, and just be let down month after month.  I gotta tell you though how annoying people can be with their comments and I now know NOT what to say to people struggling to conceive.

"Once you stop trying, you will get pregnant".... okay, that's just dumb because what does a desire or want (which is a type of an emotion) have anything to do with the actual process of baby making?  How does actually timing sex on ovulation day PREVENT you from getting pregnant?  It's not like the sperm that enters say, "Oh, stay away from that egg because we only like to be surprises!!"  No, fools.  There are babies that are actually planned out there, believe it or not.

"It will happen in God's timing".... I am not an entirely religious person, but I do believe in God.  But, I do not believe that the only reason women don't get pregnant one month and then the other is all in His plans. There are more things that come into play other then God when making a baby.  If He had total control of this whole egg-meets-sperm thing, then don't you think there would be NO pregnant teens in this world??  And for me, it is really hard to believe that not one of those millions of sperms do not reach that egg each month because it isn't God's timing.  And what would be the difference for Him if I got pregnant now rather then in 3 months?!?  Again, dumb, so don't continuously attempt to comfort me with this.

And lastly (people phrase this differently, but I am trying to cover up their stupidity), "Do you ever think that if you didn't become a surrogate, your dreams of having a 3rd would have already come true?"  Hmmmmm, first, are you saying I am being punished???  Yes, some people really think that this is a sign that what I did was morally wrong and I am being sent a message here.  I have nothing to say to people who confront me with this (yes, there have been a few) because I can go on for days!!!  But, for those who think that my surrogacy had some sort of damaging results to my body and they want to know if that was the case do I regret my decision, then the answer is yes (I think about this sometimes), but no (I would not change a thing).  Being a surrogate was the most rewarding experience of my life and though I would never intentionally risk my life for it, I did take the chance of not having more of my own children in the future.  I am not saying that I wouldn't be tremendously hurt if I went to the doctor and he told me that I had some sort of permanent damage from carrying triplets and pregnancy was more then unlikely, but I think I would be okay with that.  I love Eve, May, and Lily so much and I could not imagine my life without this experience.  They not only changed my life and my outlook on the world, but they also gave so much inspiration to others and I will forever live with this amazing story to tell. 

And so, my journey continues to try and conceive another bun of my own and I am hoping that this happens VERY soon.  I am not a very patient person to say the least, but whoever is going to come into our lives in the next 9 or so months, is well worth the fight.