This trying to conceive journey has definitely taken an emotional toll on me. Month after month, negative after negative, I wasn't sure how much longer I could take!! Until last week when I went in to see my doctor about possible testing to check out my uterus, I found out that I was PREGNANT!!! I was so excited, overjoyed, and in disbelief. Was this moment finally here?!? It took a few days before that all settled in and after telling our boys, we all were so happy and just felt complete. I smiled for days =).
Well, that happiness soon ended and I experienced a miscarriage. Although I was only 5 1/2 weeks, I am in complete disappointment. That moment my husband and I shared in the doctor's office when I found out I was pregnant was one of our best and one I will never forget. I have never seen him smile so big before. What we had worked so hard for was finally becoming a reality. It is so sad to think how fast a situation can change, and before you know it, you are experiencing the worst day of your life. I keep thinking in my head, why? Why did this happen to me? Why did it take so long to conceive, and then have this happen? No one can really explain why this happens. It just does. But as selfish as it sounds, I never thought that person would be me. You hear story after story about women miscarrying anytime in their first trimester, but it never really crossed my mind that I would be one of them. I had 2 perfect pregnancies of my own and one amazing surrogate pregnancy that beat so many odds. Why is this happening now??
Although I only miscarried yesterday, I am slowly beginning to accept the situation. But, man, would I give anything to wake up tomorrow and this all be just a nightmare. I know nothing I could have done could have changed the situation, but it feels only natural to feel some sort of guilt. I just hope someday soon this moment will be behind me as I am holding my brand new newborn baby. Only time will tell if, and when, this dream of mine will finally come true.
