It's Time, But Sadly Distracted =(

So, the time I have been waiting for what seems like a lifetime is here... It's baby making week and I have been charting for months leading up to this point.  I have never been so in tune with my body; I can time that big ovulation moment down to the hour it takes place. No joke!!  However, these past couple days have been the worst days of my life...

My little baby, Max, has hit a difficult time in his life and to make a long story short, something is wrong.  He began experiencing seizure like behavior over the past several days (nothing intense, just uncontrollable eye movements along with zoning out) but they seem to be getting more frequent.  He spent all day and night in the emergency room doing blood work, x-rays, and ct scans.  The poor guy is only 3 years old and has to go through even more in the next few days.  At first, the doctor expected a brain bleed from a huge head injury from 2 months ago, but the ct scan came back normal.  We went to his pediatrician today and we are now taking so many precautions to solve this problem.  We go in to the pediatric neurologist tomorrow for more evaluations and testing, including an EEG which scares me to death =(. This is just so hard thinking your child is completely healthy one day, and then the next day you just have no clue what's wrong.  I know I may not get answers any time soon, but until then please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. 

Mommy loves you, Monkey!!!

 

Big Decision in the Next 9 Months...

9 months OR SO... no, not pregnant just yet but definitely in the trying stages.  I never thought the big S-E-X was going to be such a chore, but it just isn't as easy as it used to be.  Don't worry, we are still having fun while trying and we have very high hopes of delivering a big healthy baby in 2012.

Now that I see my 3rd and last baby in our very near future, I have a very big decision to make.  I really want to decide whether or not my "shop" is closed; am I done having babies??  The reason I need/want to make this decision before the next baby comes is because I think getting my tubes tied during my c-section would be the best thing to do if I am done.  A tubal will just make the whole permanent birth control a done deal and neither my husband and I will need to be worried about him getting a vasectomy or me having to go back in for something else.  I SUCK at taking any sort of prescription birth control and I know there are other options, but I really just feel like if they are already "in there", then why not!

I think I am positive that 3 kids complete my family, no matter what the gender may be.  It already scares me enough that bringing a 3rd child into our home will then make more kids then parents, but I am up for the challenge.  A party of 5 just seems perfect for us =).  But, I am still so young and will only be 28 (hopefully) when this baby comes... I have quite a few years ahead of me for healthy baby making age and even though I will be done I don't know if I feel okay with the fact that I CAN'T even though I DON'T WANT TO.  Make sense??

So, is there another surrogacy journey in my future or should I just count my blessings and be thankful that my triplet pregnancy ended well after many rough challenges?  Gosh, I really go back and forth on this and I don't know whether or not I will ever fully decide.  On one hand, being a surrogate was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, but on the other hand I have never felt like more of a failure as a mother to my children then I did during those months of struggling with carrying triplets.  Some say to me, "You did once; you fulfilled your dream. Why do you need to do it again?"  Well, I guess only us surrogates can really relate to the answer to this question; it is absolutely unexplainable.  Yes, I went into my 1st and only journey planning on it being a one time experience, but that day in the delivery room changed my life.  I could go on for days about the pros and cons of the whole thing, but a surro friend of mine (whom also carried triplets) put it very clear for me; "I would have loved to do another surrogacy, but I feel like I should be grateful things worked out the way they did and I cannot possibly ask my family to go on that ride again."

She is right... my family comes first.  I cannot risk carrying triplets again and putting my children and husband through what I did in order to get through that pregnancy.  Yes, we all survived through it and it was only a temporary thing, but those were 32 weeks that I can never relive.  When I look at the cons, all that keeps flashing in my mind is being in the delivery room after the girls were out and hearing the doctors and nurses yelling, running around to save my life.  Losing 20 times the normal amount of blood was not only scary for me, but gave my husband the worst feeling he has ever experienced.  I would NEVER wish that for us again. Ever.

I think if my surrogacy pregnancy was much different, maybe carrying just a singleton with little to no problems, this wouldn't be much of an issue.  But, that's not the case; I was the less-then-1% where both embryos took and one split.  If it happened once, it definitely could happen again.

So, I guess my rambling is done for today, but the thoughts in my mind will never stop.  I am sure people will tell me to not make any decision until I am fully decided, but I don't think I will ever feel like I made the right decision either way.  As of today, I am leaning towards the tubal.  Tomorrow, who knows?!?  I know I don't have to make this decision, but I WANT to.  I WANT my mind to be made up.  Hopefully I will get preggo very soon because for some reason my mind during pregnancy is very logical.  Really, it is.  Usually it is the opposite for most women, but as the belly gets bigger I become some damn rocket scientist... I definitely outsmart the hubby which really scares him =).

I don't mind hearing any input or thoughts on this!!

*****Guess my pre-baby ignorance shined through, but I am aware I could become a gestational surrogate still after a tubal... thanks for the one who pointed that out!! But in a way, a tubal will symbolize an end of a chapter for me; an I'm done, let me have my body back thing. If I feel like I can't get pregnant the natural way, then I feel I can finally move on and start living my life without beginning more. But, I'm afraid surrogacy will always linger in my mind since it will be possible =).

And getting a tubal for me gives me a ticket to a much needed tuck and lift =). No babies allowed after that!!

     

Happy Holidays!!

Wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!!

I am so grateful for all of the love and support in my life and could not be more proud of where I am today.  2011 was a fabulous year and I am soooo excited for 2012...

let the baby making begin!!!  

Thoughts and Changes!!

Well, yes, my blog looks VERY different!!  I added a little bit to my title so that people are aware that life does go on after surrogacy and the journey just doesn't end after poppin' out someone else's baby/babies!!  A lot of fellow surrogacy blogs just come to an abrupt end after delivering their surro baby and it leaves people like me wondering so much; how are the emotions post surrogacy journey?  How is the relationship with the IP's now that they finally have a family?  What are the thoughts that continuously go through the mind of a surrogate weeks, months, even years after the journey is over?

Well, it has been well over a year since giving birth to Eve, May, and Lily and not a day goes by where I don't think of them.  It isn't a feeling of missing them or feeling sad from "giving them up", it is more of a constant overwhelming emotion that I actually changed so many lives in so many ways.  I look at the pictures I have of them framed in my home (yes, I consider them an extended part of my family, so they have designated picture spots in my house) and I can't help but smile every time I see their faces.  Wow!!!  I did that?!?  It is still unbelievable to me in so many ways.  I can't say this enough, but being a surrogate is a feeling that is so indescribable, only those who have been through it really know what it feels like to give life to someone other then your own child.

I am not sure if my followers are still out there checkin' up on me, but I am here!!  I am still in the process of trying for that 3rd baby that I am dying to have!!  Things aren't perfectly easy with that, but the hubby and I have decided to calm the trying part down a bit, enjoy the holidays, and then after the first of the year we will really get things in gear and hopefully have a bun in my oven soon after that.  It seems as though I have been on this emotional roller coaster with conceiving my own after the triplets.  After the girls were born, I felt this need to just get pregnant right away; kind of like I needed to fill that void.  I don't know... it wasn't like I missed not having the baby part after birth, but more I missed the pregnancy part.  It was like, one minute I was pregnant with 3, experiencing a world of amazing emotions, and the next minute it all was gone.  It is beyond the most complicated situation, yet so incredible all at the same time.  Again, surrogate emotions here =).  It took me months of going through ups and downs, whether or not I should act on my emotions and get pregnant with my own child or another surro baby.  I decided I needed to find myself; get back to being ME.  I am so happy with that decision because I owed it to the ones I was forced to neglect during my surrogacy pregnancy.  I can happily say that today I absolutely LOVE my life!!!  There is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful for all the great things happening every day.  I love my boys tremendously and appreciate the fact that I get to stay home every day and watch every little milestone with them.  It is awesome!!  I am finally at a place where I know having another child will just complete our family.  I can't wish for anything more right now, but if things continue to not go as planned I am okay with that.  I think in the past month I realized how grateful I am to have 2 beautiful boys and the best husband in the world.  It will crush me not being able to be a mommy again, but I know I am at a state of mind where I know it will be okay and I will be able to move on and be the best mom to Jack and Max.

So, my journey continues after the life of being a surrogate.  I always have so many thoughts and emotions going through my mind about what I did for this family.  I continue to have a very close relationship with the girls and my IP's and I am so lucky for that.  I am not sure what will grow through this blog (my own baby, another surrogacy journey, who knows!!), but hopefully I will make great changes!!

Growing Your Family After Surrogacy...

Okay, so this topic has really caught my attention lately and I have gotten so many different opinions and facts about the whole thing...

How does being a surrogate effect your chances of having more children of your own after your surrogacy journey?

Now that I have had over a year of recovering and I am FINALLY "normal", I am excited to say that we are ready to work on our 3rd and, most likely, last baby!!!  However, things aren't going as smoothly as I assumed they would go.  Without going into detail, I am not crazy Ms Fertile Myrtle anymore =(.  I am not yet in panic mode because I know I need to give it some more time even though I have NEVER had to give it time in the past.  Shoot, I got pregnant with my first while taking the pill religiously, my second happened on our first time trying for him, AND I got preggo as a surrogate with 3 babies!!  Hmmmm, maybe I do have a problem, maybe not? 

I have posted this issue on support sites and have also read up on other people's past problems with this and I have gotten so many different answers.  Some women say that their agency HIGHLY recommends a surrogate be 100% finished having their own kids before becoming a surrogate because of the risks.  My agency never warned me about anything like this possibly happening! Some women say that the fertility drugs you take to get pregnant can effect your own fertility later on. Some women have met past surrogates who ended up needing their own surrogate after their journey because they then experienced their own infertility.  Then there are women who claim that the chances of something going wrong and effecting your chances of having another baby after a surrogacy journey is so small and should not be stressed about.  This has all got me so confused!!

I am not jumping to any conclusion and claiming that I have a fertility issue as of now.  But, I can honestly say that something has changed.  My body hasn't felt the same since being a surrogate.  But I believe that this has more to do with the fact that I had triplets more then because I was a surrogate.  But after reading so many different comments and concerns, I just can't help but worry just a bit.  I couldn't imagine if there was a problem; that would just break my husband's heart and he did nothing to deserve this.  I am going to think VERY positive in the next few months and just have fun trying!!  I will be sooooo blessed when/if the time comes where I can announce that there is MY bun in MY oven!!  I really believe that I deserve this.  Wish me luck!!

Remembering the Loss of Babies...

I am so proud of my sister and her accomplishments.  She co-founded Walk to Remember  years after she experienced a horrible loss of her baby during pregnancy.  This organization has helped so many families and the support they give is just amazing!!  Last weekend, they had their 2nd annual Walk to Remember event and I was blown away with it all.  I was so honored to be able to be the photographer/videographer for the event and finally finished a video that is just so touching.  If you have about 15 minutes to spare, take a look at the event.... and you gotta watch the entire thing =)

**Make sure your volume is on and press HD to get the best quality**
Make take about 15 seconds to load!!

Happy Birthday, Max!!

My little Max is 3 years old (yesterday, so I'm a day late)!!  I really cannot believe how fast the last 3 years have gone and it is very sad to think that I no longer have a baby or a toddler in the house =(.  No more diapers, bottles, pacifiers, baby gates, or sleepless nights; just 2 big boys who have become so independent.  Seeing my youngest turn another year older really makes that urge to have another baby so much stronger!!  I know I can't wait for our tentative conception date (which is 7 loooonnnnggg months away), but it will be here before we know it and hopefully around January 2013 I will have my last little bundle of joy and my family will be complete.

Maxwell, happy birthday my little monkey.  Having you was one of the best yet craziest decisions me and your daddy have made; having 2 boys just 14 months apart has been quite the challenge but so amazing!!  Your laughter and sense of humor always makes me smile.  You have the most kissable cheeks, and although you are just like your mommy and aren't the overly affectionate type, everyone enjoys stealing hugs and kisses from you whenever they get the chance.  Even though you follow in your brothers shadows the majority of the time, you really are one-of-a-kind and have changed our lives so much!!  Love you, Max!!

 Wow!!  Me, 9 months preggo, getting ready for delivery.

LOVE  scheduled c-section!!

Meeting Maxwell Grant for the first time.

Jackson meeting his little "Brober"!

LOVE this picture!!

He was just the chunkiest, cutest thing!!

My BIG boys today

I'm 3!!

Love his smile =)

Mommy and daddy love him soooo much!!