Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What NOT to Say!!

So, we are about 19 weeks pregnant with 3 very lucky girls.  The IP's have yet to pick out any names, but I've given them all little nicknames.  "A", "B", and "C" is just not fun enough for me!!  I've gotten pretty big, as you can tell, and I'm measuring the size of a 7 month singleton pregnancy! So, in a couple months I will definitely have reached my max!!

I've been doing my best to adjust to this HUGE life-changing event and I think I am getting the hang of it.  But, knowing my luck, once things start going well, I will be thrown a curve-ball and stuck with some sort of challenge.  However, our perinatologist gave me a little bit of hope and said the next few weeks should be my best weeks.  Although the uncomfortability may increase, I should be feeling most like myself these days.  My oldest son, Jackson, started his first year of tee-ball and I volunteered to be team mom!!  I have been looking forward to this for so long and so far I have been successfully fulfilling my duties... YAY!!  And today, we started parent and me swim class with both Jack and Max and nothing stopped me from participating... another YAY!!  I have slowly realized to put the most important things first and let the smaller events just be put on hold.  Yes, it does take most of the days energy to take my boys out for a small event and I'm usually exhausted when I miss those hours resting, but some things are just worth it.  However, I'm not going to push myself to doing something that just isn't worth that extra effort.  I know others around me have to adjust to this as well and accept the fact that my family and I are MIA a lot, but hopefully they will soon understand. 

This whole experience really has made me stronger (and I probably will say that a million more times).  But, in a way, it has also made me look at others differently.  Believe me, I get my fair share of comments and opinions and I would just like to share to you what NOT to say to me if we ever cross paths.  Some people just don't know how to think before they speak, especially when my hormones are raging and I would no doubt punch them in the face if they caught me at the wrong time... only kidding ;)

"I hope this is all worth it..."
Yes, thanks for reassuring me.  This IS all worth it.  Although those long weeks of vomiting, constant nausea, and fatigue was not the ideal experience, it still got me to my goal.  I haven't had the easiest pregnancy, but people, I'm pregnant with 3 babies!!!  I have had a few bumps along the way, but I have gotten through them and am no where close to my death bed.  These 7 little words bother me more than many people think.  When someone says this to me, I always want to respond with this: "Would you ever say this to me if these babies were mine?  If Cameron and I were experiencing this much hardship with our own pregnancy with our own child/children would all-of-a-sudden this all be more worth it?!?"  I just don't get it.  Are people really that selfish to ask me if giving someone the gift of life is worth this temporary pain I have been enduring?  In my opinion, children are worth any sort of sacrifice whether they are biologically mine or not.  But in all honesty, I think it takes a good mother to realize this.      

"I bet you will never do this again..."
Yes, you are right (for once).  I will never do this again.  But, don't let me give you the satisfaction of feeling correct for once!!  My choice to not wanting to do this again has NOTHING to do with my current situation like you are out to prove.  When I originally set out to become a surrogate, I dedicated myself to one pregnancy and one pregnancy only.  Yes, there are many women out there who strive to be a surrogate for multiple families, but that is not what I set out to do.  I wanted to help a family in need and end my journey there.  I would just like to tell these people, who assume the decision to stop here is a result of the difficult last few months, that they are wrong.  So please put all of that negative thinking behind you.  Do you really think that a comment like this is helping any? 

"I'm sure you are regretting your decision..." 
Regretting my decision?!?  People, you act like I set out on this journey planning on getting pregnant with triplets!!  I don't think that when we went in to transfer these embryos that I sat down and told the doctor to transfer as many as he could so I could be the next Octo-mom!!  For the 12th time, we only transferred 2 embryos.  The chance of one splitting is so rare and highly unlikely.  For some reason, God had a plan for my IP's, and 3 babies it was!!  I'm really sorry if any of you have felt any sort of burden because of my current situation, but there is no way I would change any of it.  I would hope that no one would ever say that to me regarding my own children, so what makes it right to say it to these 3 innocent girls?

Well, all I can really say is that people never know the right thing to say to me or this situation.  Yes, I do understand that most of the people I am associated with has never experienced triplets, let alone surrogacy, but their little comments make me question a lot about them.  I guess that's why I am the surrogate and they're not.  I think people would be more accepting of my situation and maybe a bit more supportive if they got to know my IP's.  My husband and I have gotten really close to them, and as a result, have never questioned our decision to carry their 3 children.  Throughout the past several months, all 4 of us have become great friends and I want nothing more than for them to become parents.  I would endure so much more pain and exhaustion for them to be able to fulfill their dreams.  Throughout this journey, one of my biggest hopes is that these outsiders could gain more of a respect for those like myself and my IP's.  I don't think there is more of a disappointment in life than not being able to conceive naturally.  Without women like myself, some families would be left childless.  I can never imagine that feeling and I wish we all could be more supportive of those less fortunate.      


  1. oh my goodness!! you go girl.

    i was so nervous telling my friends b/c not everyone will agree with it. but thank goodness they did! i'm sure i'll run into weirdos at my children's school though.

  2. It's amazing that we have to "explain ourselves" to strangers. I'm not even preggo yet, but I've talked about it to a couple of people and I can already see what kind of responses I may run into. I needed tougher skin anyway. :)

    BTW-you look GREAT!!!!! :)

  3. I hate to say it, but the fact that you're a surrogate to these 3 girls is not the reason you're getting so many rude and uncalled for comments. My wife and I get SO many ignorant people saying terrible things to us about our triplets. We've gotten the octo-mom/kate+8 comments and had to explain that we only transferred 2 embryos. A coworker asked how far along my wife was with "our baby" and I said "actually, we're having triplets" and she looked appalled and replied "Oh my god! I'm SO sorry!!" People make faces of disgust when we tell them we're having 3 boys and usually say something rude like "Ah man,3 boys?? How ever will you manage?" One woman even said that we may not need to prepare for 3 babies because "God may have other plans". Really?? How could you possibly look a pregnant woman in the face and say that one or more of her babies may die?? I'm starting to lose my faith in humanity during this pregnancy. All I can do is bring my boys up right and teach them compassion and common decency.

  4. People are idiots! When it comes to pregnancy (surrogacy or not) most seem to lack their "filter". I hear you about the punching in the face, although I'm not kidding :)

    OH and regarding "I bet you won't ever do this again" . . . I set out for one journey and one journey only . . . but yet here I am almost 19 weeks preggo with twins- again . . . for another couple. You never know- LOL!

  5. There needs to be alot people in this world like u! U r a wonderful person to do this, I know the feeling of not being able to have children, u r giving these people the best gift of all. May God bless u and keep u!!

  6. You look great and I know that you are a great person....cause I am your husbands mother, and you make me so proud....Love Ya Girl. Can't wait to see Jackson Play Tee Ball