Good-Bye, Baby Itch!!

Sorry in advance for the rambling =)  I tend to do that a lot!  

It has been a few weeks since I have last posted.  The girls are doing amazingly well.  They are about 7 months old now!!  I know, I can't believe it.  They are continuing to be the most chunkiest and cutest things ever!  They have been eating lots of yummy vegetables and really starting to move around.  Last I heard, they were almost off the charts for growth!!  And this is comparing them to full term babies.  This makes me so happy to hear and I am so glad that they all are growing so much.  It's amazing how well they are doing for being triplets born at 32 weeks.  AMAZING!!

So, I want to continue to blog even though I am technically not a surrogate anymore and my journey may seem to be over for now.  I see a lot of blogs that just end because the babies came, life went on.  But, I want people to see how life really is after.  For me, my journey is never really over.  The girls and my IP's will always be apart of my life and I really am lucky for that.  So, I will do my best to keep posting about my feelings and experiences that pertain to surrogacy and maybe give people a better idea of how life is after surrogacy.  Who knows?!?  Maybe I'll have another surrogate story to tell in the near future...

Okay, not too near.  Remember shortly after having the girls I had this never ending baby itch??  I wasn't sure whether I felt a need to have my own child or get into another surrogacy right away.  Something happened after I had the girls and I really needed to fill that void.  Maybe it was the hormones.  Maybe it was the fact that I was pregnant with 3 one day, and babyless the next.  Or maybe I really was ready to have another baby of my own and being a surrogate really triggered those feelings.  Well, whatever it was, I am glad I did not listen to my heart and really used my head on this one.  As bad as I wanted to be pregnant again right away, I knew deep down that it was not the best time for me, physically or emotionally, and I hoped that the feelings would just go away.  I fought with myself everyday, fighting the baby itch.  It was definitely a rough few months, but I got through it.

Sitting here now, I am so proud of the decision I made.  I am glad I did not make that decision to either become a surrogate again or add another child to my life.  I did go through many emotionally ups and downs over the past year, and it got me to where I am today.  I am a completely happy and satisfied person.  My life is finally simple and I love just being a normal family, whatever "normal" means.  For once, my husband and I aren't surprising family members with new jobs, new home, or new babies (ours or a complete strangers!).  I enjoy being myself and not having to be responsible for another life or lives inside of me.  I have the most energy I have ever had in my life!!  I am taking care of my body and it really is showing.  I love running around with my kids and them being my first priority.  As a family, we are stable.  We are simple.  We are happy.  I owe it to my children and husband to maintain this happiness.  I put them through hell the past year and I now owe it to them to be the most loving and caring mom that I can be.

For those of you just starting out in your surrogacy journey or are really considering starting a journey, please take in to consideration your entire family and their needs.  I really thought I was doing it at the perfect time; because my boys were so young I assumed that was the best.  I knew they would be less involved, asking fewer questions, and not getting emotionally attached.  I never really thought about how that would effect my role as their mother.  Never.  Well, who really thought I was going to carry triplets?!?  Not me!!!  No way!  But, the experience unfortunately made me a person I grew to hate for those 7 months.  I hate looking back on the person I became; I was angry, frustrated, hopeless, short-tempered, unloving, and wanted nothing more to end what I was doing so that my kids would not have to see me that way anymore.  Nothing could have changed the way I became, nothing.  I was pregnant with triplets, who were not even mine, and it definitely took a toll on not only me, but my loved ones.  My kids' lives were destroyed, their behavior was uncontrollable.  All of the things I had worked on with them since they were born (schedules, behavior, respect, etc.) was vanished.  They were not the same kids.  During my pregnancy, I had to seek help of a child behaviorist because I saw things falling apart, day by day, and there was nothing I could do.  She worked with me to save my family.  She informed me that it takes 21 days for a child to adapt or un-adapt to a certain behavior.  Their mommy was gone, yet still present, and they really were not at a level where they could handle the sudden and unfair change.  What hurt me the most was my youngest one; he was only 18 months old when I got pregnant.  He was still a baby.  He needed his mommy more than anything, but yet I could not offer the unconditional love he needed.  My oldest always looked at me and asked, "Are you still sick, mommy?"  I hated hearing that question everyday; he clearly knew something was not right and he wished I would just magically feel better =(  BUT, all of these issues did eventually come to end, although I missed out on moments I cannot bring back.  Finally, 7 months later, I have finally put the pieces back together, slowly but surely. My husband was very helpful and supportive and I couldn't have done it without him.  They are now just as behaved, if not more, than they were before surrogacy.

So, I hope that mumble jumble of my experience puts things in perspective for some of you.  It's not just about you fulfilling your dream to become a surrogate anymore.  You have a family to look after and they should be your #1 priority at all times.  Before making any decisions, think about them.  Think about every possible thing that may happen.  What will bed rest do to you??  No, not to YOU, but to your FAMILY??  And, just be prepared.  Don't rush.  Take your time.

With all that said, I know I am not ready for another pregnancy right now, mine or not.  For years and years, when I looked at a baby, I fell in love and wanted nothing more than to have my own or another one.  But now when I see an infant, those feelings are nowhere to be found!!  For once in my life, I am the one saying no to having another baby right now while my husband is the one requesting one!!  I NEVER thought that was EVER going to happen.  Sorry, honey, shop is closed for repairs =)  And repairing is exactly what my body needs to do right now.  I FINALLY stopped bleeding and clotting.  Yes, almost 7 months postpartum.  Can you believe that?!?  Ugh!!  That was a pain in my a%$, or something else =)  That's what having triplets does to you and there is no way I want to experience that recovery again.

So, what's the plan??  Well, I plan to try to get pregnant with my third child, and very last one, in 2 years.  I'm a religious pill taker until then =)  And becoming a surrogate again is a question I get asked weekly and I really don't have an answer.  Maybe??  I just don't know.  I think the only way I would consider it is if a close friend or family member needed a surrogate or if my IP's want to try again... could you imagine another set of triplets?!?  Okay, I just had a mini heart attack!!  But, until then, I am living my life for me and my family and being the best mom and wife I can be!!

Oh, and my weight loss challenge has almost come to an end.  Since January 11th (I know, random day), I have lost 23 pounds!!  I have 7 more to go, but I am not sure if I will get there by May 2nd.  I will come very close though.  I am sure you all are excited to see before and after pics!!  I am!! Look out for those very soon.

I'll leave you with some pics of MY family...

Me and the hubby, with Jackson (left) and Max (right)

My birthday dinner... Yikes, I am the big 2-7!!! 

Me and my Jackson, who is 3 1/2

Cameron and Max (2  1/2) who are inseparable

I LOVE him!!!  

Dodgers Opening Day (we survived =)!  I remember the last year I was preggo

with the triplets and it was a LONG, tiring day for me.

BUT, this year I got to drink a beer!!

Me and Jack

He is the cutest little guy ever!!  Come on, admit it =)

These 2 are the best things that have ever happened to me and I am so blessed

to be their mommy =)