Better Days

It has been over a week since we got the bad news and I am happy to report that each day gets better and better.  I do have moments when I find myself completely alone, no one around to talk to and nothing much to do, where all I can do is wish that I was still pregnant.  But, I know I just need to move on because nothing will change by just dwelling about it day after day.  I know deep down I will always hurt from this moment, but what kind of person would I be if I didn't?

I have fully recovered physically and I am back on that trying to conceive train.  Woot Woot!!  Or is that "toot toot"?  Who knows?!  So let's just all hope that it doesn't take another 8 months for my miracle baby to come.  I really hope I am one of those lucky ones that just gets pregnant again right away! Fingers crossed!!!

I have been staying very busy lately with my new business adventure (and sometimes it makes that baby itch of mine become a full on rash!!).  A photography business has always been a dream of mine and I FINALLY made it a reality!!  Yay!! I have so much to improve on, but here is my website and FB page if you would like to check it out.  My 5 year goal is to do weddings full time, with my hubby by my side who also shares this passion- (heck, then I don't have to pay an assistant!). I'm excited to think of all the possibilities.  Wish me luck!!

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Short Lived Happiness...

This trying to conceive journey has definitely taken an emotional toll on me.  Month after month, negative after negative, I wasn't sure how much longer I could take!!  Until last week when I went in to see my doctor about possible testing to check out my uterus, I found out that I was PREGNANT!!!  I was so excited, overjoyed, and in disbelief.  Was this moment finally here?!?  It took a few days before that all settled in and after telling our boys, we all were so happy and just felt complete.  I smiled for days =). 

Well, that happiness soon ended and I experienced a miscarriage.  Although I was only 5 1/2 weeks, I am in complete disappointment.  That moment my husband and I shared in the doctor's office when I found out I was pregnant was one of our best and one I will never forget.  I have never seen him smile so big before.  What we had worked so hard for was finally becoming a reality.  It is so sad to think how fast a situation can change, and before you know it, you are experiencing the worst day of your life.  I keep thinking in my head, why?  Why did this happen to me?  Why did it take so long to conceive, and then have this happen? No one can really explain why this happens.  It just does.  But as selfish as it sounds, I never thought that person would be me.  You hear story after story about women miscarrying anytime in their first trimester, but it never really crossed my mind that I would be one of them.  I had 2 perfect pregnancies of my own and one amazing surrogate pregnancy that beat so many odds.  Why is this happening now?? 

Although I only miscarried yesterday, I am slowly beginning to accept the situation.  But, man, would I give anything to wake up tomorrow and this all be just a nightmare.  I know nothing I could have done could have changed the situation, but it feels only natural to feel some sort of guilt.  I just hope someday soon this moment will be behind me as I am holding my brand new newborn baby.  Only time will tell if, and when, this dream of mine will finally come true.     

Where Are You Karma Gods?

I really don't think I am owed anything for having 3 beautiful baby girls for complete strangers, but I think I do deserve some sort of break here.  I can't believe how long it has been and still no baby for me =(.

Okay, some of you may think that 6 cycles of baby making are nothing compared to years and years that some people endure before getting a chance of parenthood, but this is so unexpected for me.  C'mon, my first son was our little honeymoon baby and let's just remind everyone the importance of not missing even ONE birth control pill.  BUT, I love you Jackson and I wouldn't change things for the world.  Our second little guy was a spur-of-the-moment decision (so technically he was planned and I won't blame that on the bottle of wine that was consumed during the decision making), but we got him in just one shot.  No wonder why this guy is a little stinker... there is no stopping him from getting what he wants at any time!!  Then, on my first transfer with A & M, I am successful times 3!!!  I guess with everything that has happened with my uterus in the past 5 years I just kinda expected to get what I wanted, when I wanted. 

I am now on my 3rd cycle of REALLY trying to conceive, but my 7th of not, not trying.  I am nailing my ovulation time down to the hour and "doing the deed" maybe even more then I can usually handle.  The hubby has been one lucky guy =).  This whole trying thing is so new to me and I am trying my best to accept it, but that doesn't mean that I am not frustrated out of my mind!!! UGH!!!!!  I just wish I knew what was going on in there!  I would hate to think that my long a** recovery from the triplets had anything to do with it, but I know 8 months of postpartum bleeding wasn't exactly "normal".

Right now, all I can do is wait.  Continue to try, maybe not so much, and try not to stress as I spend pointless dollars of home pregnancy tests just to see Aunt Flo has showed days after. 

I do realize now a small piece of what couples go through to get that baby they so desire.  This last one of ours has been planned for sooooo long.  I think after we had our 2nd, Max, we knew when we wanted to have our 3rd and last baby, and this time has been thought of for so long.  It hurts to want something so bad, seeing others get it so easily, and just be let down month after month.  I gotta tell you though how annoying people can be with their comments and I now know NOT what to say to people struggling to conceive.

"Once you stop trying, you will get pregnant".... okay, that's just dumb because what does a desire or want (which is a type of an emotion) have anything to do with the actual process of baby making?  How does actually timing sex on ovulation day PREVENT you from getting pregnant?  It's not like the sperm that enters say, "Oh, stay away from that egg because we only like to be surprises!!"  No, fools.  There are babies that are actually planned out there, believe it or not.

"It will happen in God's timing".... I am not an entirely religious person, but I do believe in God.  But, I do not believe that the only reason women don't get pregnant one month and then the other is all in His plans. There are more things that come into play other then God when making a baby.  If He had total control of this whole egg-meets-sperm thing, then don't you think there would be NO pregnant teens in this world??  And for me, it is really hard to believe that not one of those millions of sperms do not reach that egg each month because it isn't God's timing.  And what would be the difference for Him if I got pregnant now rather then in 3 months?!?  Again, dumb, so don't continuously attempt to comfort me with this.

And lastly (people phrase this differently, but I am trying to cover up their stupidity), "Do you ever think that if you didn't become a surrogate, your dreams of having a 3rd would have already come true?"  Hmmmmm, first, are you saying I am being punished???  Yes, some people really think that this is a sign that what I did was morally wrong and I am being sent a message here.  I have nothing to say to people who confront me with this (yes, there have been a few) because I can go on for days!!!  But, for those who think that my surrogacy had some sort of damaging results to my body and they want to know if that was the case do I regret my decision, then the answer is yes (I think about this sometimes), but no (I would not change a thing).  Being a surrogate was the most rewarding experience of my life and though I would never intentionally risk my life for it, I did take the chance of not having more of my own children in the future.  I am not saying that I wouldn't be tremendously hurt if I went to the doctor and he told me that I had some sort of permanent damage from carrying triplets and pregnancy was more then unlikely, but I think I would be okay with that.  I love Eve, May, and Lily so much and I could not imagine my life without this experience.  They not only changed my life and my outlook on the world, but they also gave so much inspiration to others and I will forever live with this amazing story to tell. 

And so, my journey continues to try and conceive another bun of my own and I am hoping that this happens VERY soon.  I am not a very patient person to say the least, but whoever is going to come into our lives in the next 9 or so months, is well worth the fight.

My Surrogate Agency and Legal Issues...

Okay, I don't know how clear I ever made this or if I ever shared about how horrible my surrogate agency was, but this proves it all!!  In a time of vulnerability and emotional instability from being pregnant with the triplets, I could not handle the serious issues I was having with Miracles Egg Donation and Surrogacy like I really should have and I really believed all the lies and crap that the owner, Allison Layton, fed me day after day.  I came across this article today (which was dated in July 2011) and I cannot believe how many people she has screwed over!!  Well, yes, I guess I can believe it because if me and my IP's weren't as demanding as we were (IP being an attorney too), I know we would have totally been robbed like so many people.  Here is the short article with comments from poor egg donors and IP's:

http://www.eggdonor.com/blog/2011/07/27/allegations-misconduct-leveled-miracles-egg-donation-surrogacy/

Throughout the time I worked with this agency (about 18 months), I experienced unnecessary stress and anxiety about compensation that was owed to me month after month.  She began taking a portion of my compensation away each month, claiming that that was what my contract stated (confusing issue), but I would not let her get away with this.  I contacted the lawyer and Allison was in the wrong.  When I confronted her with proof that I was owed the money, she acted like I was being a selfish bi*ch and from there more problems came about.  Month after month I was dealing with her by myself and was so uncomfortable to get my IP's involved; talking about my compensation wasn't an easy thing to do with them.  But, after I delivered and was owed thousands and thousands of dollars, I had to call my IP's.  They were outraged because apparently they were getting their trust fund statements each month showing when and how much I was being paid, so they never thought there was an issue.  WELL, I wasn't getting paid according to the statement Miracles mailed to them and stuff was not adding up.  My IP's demanded that I get paid and demanded that they close their trust fund and get their money back.  My IP's and I would then deal with that remaining compensations privately.  Of course my IP's didn't get this money back and it took a long fight.  I am not sure how that all ended. 

After more investigation, I guess Allison has ran away from her business in Glendora, CA and now lives in Idaho.  Some people even stated that she has left some of her children behind with her ex husband.  Her business is no longer running and many people have complained to the BBB and some even got the FBI involved.  She is facing some serious allegations and I hope she pays for it.  No one deserves any of what she has done.  For someone who was so welcoming and supportive in the beginning, I cannot believe it all ended like this.  I just hope agencies like this are held responsible and nobody has to go through an experience like this.  You go into surrogacy feeling secure because you have an agency and lawyers involved, but sometimes things are out of your control.  In the end, a contract means nothing.

***I want to thank you all for posting and sharing some of your thoughts and stories.  I am trying my best to speak up and defend all of those that have been hurt and effected by Allison Layton in some form or another.  I know that it is difficult to post your identity publicly on this issue, but if you really feel like your voice needs to be heard, please reach out to me through email.  I have contact info for the agent involved in this case and I really would love to get as many cases against Allison as I can, so that she can pay for what she has done.  Here is where I can be reached: mrscbutcher@gmail.com.

Thanks so much,
Ashley

Max is Good, New Blog...

Wow!!  My little guy is fine!!!  That was the worst 4 days of my life to say the least.  After almost a week in the hospital and round the clock testing, my little Maxwell showed no signs of abnormal brain activity and he is just perfect!!  I hate the fact that 4 different doctors gave me the scare of my life, assuming that he was experiencing some sort of seizures, but glad they took every precaution to rule that out.  God was really watching over us last week and I feel so blessed for the outcome.  We are not sure why Max is experiencing ongoing eye rolling/fluttering that look like seizure activity, but I don't need to worry excessively because his brain is perfect.  It may be something as simple as a muscle or moisture issue in his eyes and we will determine that with more doctor visits to come.  He was quite a trooper throughout the visit, even through the 24 hour EEG where he had to remain as still as possible. Not easy for a 3 year old.

Had to be sedated to get all those wires glued to his head =(

Couldn't move much because he had wires coming from the back that connected to that blue box.

With Aunt Kellie... he LOVED visitors!

On a different note, I have started a fun new blog, The Butcher, The Baker, The Project Undertakers. Click there or here.  After my surrogacy journey, I really wanted to do all those things I said I always wanted to do.  I learned to not put stuff aside and follow through with things that I set out to accomplish.  And after having triplets, I felt like I could accomplish the world!!  Yes, I felt a little like Super Woman =). After purchasing our first home, I had a million things running through my head on how I wanted my creativity and personal touch to shine through in our new home.  Yes, many people are surprised at how handy I can be!!  So, feel free to follow that one as well and hopefully I will impress some of you readers =).

On a BIG positive note, the baby making has continued and I just feel so good about this cycle.  I can't wait to share great news with all of you.  Keeping my fingers crossed, but legs open! Hahahahah! Sorry, had to!!

It's Time, But Sadly Distracted =(

So, the time I have been waiting for what seems like a lifetime is here... It's baby making week and I have been charting for months leading up to this point.  I have never been so in tune with my body; I can time that big ovulation moment down to the hour it takes place. No joke!!  However, these past couple days have been the worst days of my life...

My little baby, Max, has hit a difficult time in his life and to make a long story short, something is wrong.  He began experiencing seizure like behavior over the past several days (nothing intense, just uncontrollable eye movements along with zoning out) but they seem to be getting more frequent.  He spent all day and night in the emergency room doing blood work, x-rays, and ct scans.  The poor guy is only 3 years old and has to go through even more in the next few days.  At first, the doctor expected a brain bleed from a huge head injury from 2 months ago, but the ct scan came back normal.  We went to his pediatrician today and we are now taking so many precautions to solve this problem.  We go in to the pediatric neurologist tomorrow for more evaluations and testing, including an EEG which scares me to death =(. This is just so hard thinking your child is completely healthy one day, and then the next day you just have no clue what's wrong.  I know I may not get answers any time soon, but until then please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. 

Mommy loves you, Monkey!!!

 

Big Decision in the Next 9 Months...

9 months OR SO... no, not pregnant just yet but definitely in the trying stages.  I never thought the big S-E-X was going to be such a chore, but it just isn't as easy as it used to be.  Don't worry, we are still having fun while trying and we have very high hopes of delivering a big healthy baby in 2012.

Now that I see my 3rd and last baby in our very near future, I have a very big decision to make.  I really want to decide whether or not my "shop" is closed; am I done having babies??  The reason I need/want to make this decision before the next baby comes is because I think getting my tubes tied during my c-section would be the best thing to do if I am done.  A tubal will just make the whole permanent birth control a done deal and neither my husband and I will need to be worried about him getting a vasectomy or me having to go back in for something else.  I SUCK at taking any sort of prescription birth control and I know there are other options, but I really just feel like if they are already "in there", then why not!

I think I am positive that 3 kids complete my family, no matter what the gender may be.  It already scares me enough that bringing a 3rd child into our home will then make more kids then parents, but I am up for the challenge.  A party of 5 just seems perfect for us =).  But, I am still so young and will only be 28 (hopefully) when this baby comes... I have quite a few years ahead of me for healthy baby making age and even though I will be done I don't know if I feel okay with the fact that I CAN'T even though I DON'T WANT TO.  Make sense??

So, is there another surrogacy journey in my future or should I just count my blessings and be thankful that my triplet pregnancy ended well after many rough challenges?  Gosh, I really go back and forth on this and I don't know whether or not I will ever fully decide.  On one hand, being a surrogate was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, but on the other hand I have never felt like more of a failure as a mother to my children then I did during those months of struggling with carrying triplets.  Some say to me, "You did once; you fulfilled your dream. Why do you need to do it again?"  Well, I guess only us surrogates can really relate to the answer to this question; it is absolutely unexplainable.  Yes, I went into my 1st and only journey planning on it being a one time experience, but that day in the delivery room changed my life.  I could go on for days about the pros and cons of the whole thing, but a surro friend of mine (whom also carried triplets) put it very clear for me; "I would have loved to do another surrogacy, but I feel like I should be grateful things worked out the way they did and I cannot possibly ask my family to go on that ride again."

She is right... my family comes first.  I cannot risk carrying triplets again and putting my children and husband through what I did in order to get through that pregnancy.  Yes, we all survived through it and it was only a temporary thing, but those were 32 weeks that I can never relive.  When I look at the cons, all that keeps flashing in my mind is being in the delivery room after the girls were out and hearing the doctors and nurses yelling, running around to save my life.  Losing 20 times the normal amount of blood was not only scary for me, but gave my husband the worst feeling he has ever experienced.  I would NEVER wish that for us again. Ever.

I think if my surrogacy pregnancy was much different, maybe carrying just a singleton with little to no problems, this wouldn't be much of an issue.  But, that's not the case; I was the less-then-1% where both embryos took and one split.  If it happened once, it definitely could happen again.

So, I guess my rambling is done for today, but the thoughts in my mind will never stop.  I am sure people will tell me to not make any decision until I am fully decided, but I don't think I will ever feel like I made the right decision either way.  As of today, I am leaning towards the tubal.  Tomorrow, who knows?!?  I know I don't have to make this decision, but I WANT to.  I WANT my mind to be made up.  Hopefully I will get preggo very soon because for some reason my mind during pregnancy is very logical.  Really, it is.  Usually it is the opposite for most women, but as the belly gets bigger I become some damn rocket scientist... I definitely outsmart the hubby which really scares him =).

I don't mind hearing any input or thoughts on this!!

*****Guess my pre-baby ignorance shined through, but I am aware I could become a gestational surrogate still after a tubal... thanks for the one who pointed that out!! But in a way, a tubal will symbolize an end of a chapter for me; an I'm done, let me have my body back thing. If I feel like I can't get pregnant the natural way, then I feel I can finally move on and start living my life without beginning more. But, I'm afraid surrogacy will always linger in my mind since it will be possible =).

And getting a tubal for me gives me a ticket to a much needed tuck and lift =). No babies allowed after that!!