I found a very interesting discussion on a surrogate group I am apart of on BabyCenter. Someone had come across a short blog, The Son of a Surrogate, from years ago which can be found here. The first time I read this, I had so many mixed emotions; I was mad that someone would judge any surrogate/egg donor in this way, I was sad that he had developed these feelings as a result of something I am largely apart of, I was annoyed with the way his mother (aka adoptive mother) handled the situation, and I was just confused and really didn't know what was the right thing to think about all of this.
After thinking about it for awhile it finally occurred to me that there may be many children out there who are experiencing these emotions as a result of surrogacy. Although some of us can argue that these feelings may or may not be valid, the truth of the matter is that everyone is entitled to have feelings/mixed emotions especially as a result of something so life changing. Then it got me thinking about how some IP's decide to cut off communication with a surrogate shortly after the birth. Maybe that is their way of avoiding any sort of emotional roller coaster for the child as they grow up? Maybe they do have a very valid reason when they do this. I am not saying I enjoy seeing my fellow surrogates experience this sudden ongoing pain, but I can kind of understand the IP's motives.
As surrogacy gets more and more popular and widely used, we don't quite know how this may effect children growing up. I do believe it is best to be upfront and honest with children in the beginning about who and where they came from, but sometimes this doesn't happen. I absolutely don't disagree with the work I did as a surrogate or what any surrogate is doing, but I really believe there will be some children that grow up and will not be accepting of the situation. It can be so similar to the feelings that an adoptive child might experience; although they had an amazing childhood growing up all thanks to their adoptive parents, there are still many that experience a difficult time with the fact that they came from somewhere else.
There are many different situations that happen with surrogacy; traditional surrogacy (surrogates egg, IF's/donors sperm), surrogacy using IF's sperm with egg from ED, surrogacy using an egg and sperm donor, set of 2 IF's using an egg donor with one/both sperms, etc. So some situations can be harder for children to accept over time. I guess I just really hope that IP's do the best job they can on raising these surro babies with as much knowledge and understanding of how they came into this world. I think ignoring the issue and trying to hide it may only cause more damage as the truth finally comes out one day. Hmmm, what do you guys think about all of this??
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Does it Ever End?!?
I am sick of this "recovery" stage of pregnancy. Yes, the triplets will be ONE in less then a month and I am still dealing with post delivery issues every now and then. Believe it or not, I think I passed my very last blood clot about two and a half months ago!!! Yay, finally!!! The birth control pill I was prescribed to regulate my period that I was getting every other week (who knows if this was menstrual bleeding or continued recovery bleeding) finally kicked in 7 months later and I just had a normal cycle!!! Things started looking up until I noticed a continued change in my body...
Things were still not back to normal with me, but I thought this was just going to "work itself out over time" (well, that's what I was told over and over again by so many different doctors). Yes, I know I was very anemic after birth because of the amount of blood that I lost, I know my hormones were all out of whack because I carried triplets, and I know that my body will never be the same again because I did something very unnatural. But come on people, sometimes things just don't disappear like we would like them to.
I basically gave up about 6 months postpartum. I wasn't getting any answers to why I continued bleeding and why I was feeling certain symptoms still. I prayed every trip to the bathroom that exposed another golf ball sized clot. I even tried to hide it from my husband because he was beyond pissed that I was still struggling with a full and healthy recovery. In a way, I was afraid what the doctor might tell me; possibly having long term damage to my uterus and never being able to have more children. I was so thankful when I had 2 full months of normal womanly activity; I was so happy I felt like throwing a party!! I still noticed weird changes in my body, very uncomfortable changes that I won't get into. Anyway, I finally saw a couple specialists and I FINALLY found out that I have a hormonal imbalance. Who knows how long this has gone on? Who knows if this is a direct result of the pregnancy or a cause of another postpartum issue that was left untreated? Who knows if this was left untreated any longer what it could have done? All I can tell you is that all of my symptoms began after birth and continued up until this day and the new medication that is prescribed is supposed to help balance me out and prevent these abnormal bodily behaviors.
So, I am to be on this monitored drug for a VERY long time. In order to take this medication, I must have frequent blood work done in order to maintain my hormone and potassium levels. This is not a cure, so once I go off of it, it is very likely the problem will reoccur. We are hoping that while taking this, my body will adjust itself over time (basically by my body maturing differently with age). Of course there are lots of side effects to this medication, which I am not too happy about, but I am hoping it is worth it.
The main thing I am concerned about, is having another baby. There is NO WAY you should get preggo on this drug because it is a hormonal drug which can severely mess with a fetus. I have to be VERY strict with birth control, which also makes me very nervous. So, when I plan my next pregnancy (which I originally wanted to start trying early 2012), I need to have tests done in order to have the "okay". Well, that sucks!!! I guess that is what needs to be done to have a healthy baby, but it is just not what I was expecting at all. Why can't I just have a normal life after surrogacy? Why did everything come back to haunt me? I can keep telling myself that all the struggles were worth it, but as the girls are turning one and completely happy and healthy, I am still struggling, and will continue to for God knows how long!!! I guess I am now just dealing with it and trying not to discuss much of it with my loved ones... I know how frustrating it can be and I know that they know I don't deserve this after what I have been through. My biggest hope is that time just fixes me and I will get that healthy baby that I agree is well deserved =)
Things were still not back to normal with me, but I thought this was just going to "work itself out over time" (well, that's what I was told over and over again by so many different doctors). Yes, I know I was very anemic after birth because of the amount of blood that I lost, I know my hormones were all out of whack because I carried triplets, and I know that my body will never be the same again because I did something very unnatural. But come on people, sometimes things just don't disappear like we would like them to.
I basically gave up about 6 months postpartum. I wasn't getting any answers to why I continued bleeding and why I was feeling certain symptoms still. I prayed every trip to the bathroom that exposed another golf ball sized clot. I even tried to hide it from my husband because he was beyond pissed that I was still struggling with a full and healthy recovery. In a way, I was afraid what the doctor might tell me; possibly having long term damage to my uterus and never being able to have more children. I was so thankful when I had 2 full months of normal womanly activity; I was so happy I felt like throwing a party!! I still noticed weird changes in my body, very uncomfortable changes that I won't get into. Anyway, I finally saw a couple specialists and I FINALLY found out that I have a hormonal imbalance. Who knows how long this has gone on? Who knows if this is a direct result of the pregnancy or a cause of another postpartum issue that was left untreated? Who knows if this was left untreated any longer what it could have done? All I can tell you is that all of my symptoms began after birth and continued up until this day and the new medication that is prescribed is supposed to help balance me out and prevent these abnormal bodily behaviors.
So, I am to be on this monitored drug for a VERY long time. In order to take this medication, I must have frequent blood work done in order to maintain my hormone and potassium levels. This is not a cure, so once I go off of it, it is very likely the problem will reoccur. We are hoping that while taking this, my body will adjust itself over time (basically by my body maturing differently with age). Of course there are lots of side effects to this medication, which I am not too happy about, but I am hoping it is worth it.
The main thing I am concerned about, is having another baby. There is NO WAY you should get preggo on this drug because it is a hormonal drug which can severely mess with a fetus. I have to be VERY strict with birth control, which also makes me very nervous. So, when I plan my next pregnancy (which I originally wanted to start trying early 2012), I need to have tests done in order to have the "okay". Well, that sucks!!! I guess that is what needs to be done to have a healthy baby, but it is just not what I was expecting at all. Why can't I just have a normal life after surrogacy? Why did everything come back to haunt me? I can keep telling myself that all the struggles were worth it, but as the girls are turning one and completely happy and healthy, I am still struggling, and will continue to for God knows how long!!! I guess I am now just dealing with it and trying not to discuss much of it with my loved ones... I know how frustrating it can be and I know that they know I don't deserve this after what I have been through. My biggest hope is that time just fixes me and I will get that healthy baby that I agree is well deserved =)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Kids DO Say the Funniest Things!!
I know this is so not surrogacy related, but I just had to share what I experienced with my 4 year old today. My kids give me a good laugh on a daily basis, but today, I was hysterical!!! Hope you enjoy a good laugh =)
I was changing Liliana's (the baby I have been a nanny for) diaper on the couch. I guess the boys are usually not around when I am completing this task. But, Jackson and I had a really funny conversation when he was watching me today:
As I take her diaper off, Jackson approaches slowly, mouth wide open with concern. I watched him from the corner of my eye to watch what his reaction was. He then pulls the waist of his shorts out, looks down at his family jewels, and then back at Liliana's diaper area, still looking as if he were in shock.
Me: "What's wrong, Jackson?"
Jack: "What happened to Liliana?? It's gone!!!"
Me: (So trying not to laugh) "What's gone, Jack?"
Jack: "The baby has 2 butts!!!! Her pee-pee is gone!!"
Me: (Now laughing hysterically) "She doesn't have 2 butts, honey. She's a girl, so she has no pee-pee."
Jack: (Pointing at her area) "Then what is THAT?!?"
Me: (Now in tears) "Girls don't have pee-pees, they have vaginas."
Jack: (Now with a very embarrassed smile on his face, hands pressed against his cheeks) "That's so funny, mommy. I like that word."
Oh my goodness!! I still am laughing at this hours later. Daddy is going to love this story when he gets home. Now, let's hope Jackson doesn't love this word TOO much because we will have a big issue on our hands =)
I was changing Liliana's (the baby I have been a nanny for) diaper on the couch. I guess the boys are usually not around when I am completing this task. But, Jackson and I had a really funny conversation when he was watching me today:
As I take her diaper off, Jackson approaches slowly, mouth wide open with concern. I watched him from the corner of my eye to watch what his reaction was. He then pulls the waist of his shorts out, looks down at his family jewels, and then back at Liliana's diaper area, still looking as if he were in shock.
Me: "What's wrong, Jackson?"
Jack: "What happened to Liliana?? It's gone!!!"
Me: (So trying not to laugh) "What's gone, Jack?"
Jack: "The baby has 2 butts!!!! Her pee-pee is gone!!"
Me: (Now laughing hysterically) "She doesn't have 2 butts, honey. She's a girl, so she has no pee-pee."
Jack: (Pointing at her area) "Then what is THAT?!?"
Me: (Now in tears) "Girls don't have pee-pees, they have vaginas."
Jack: (Now with a very embarrassed smile on his face, hands pressed against his cheeks) "That's so funny, mommy. I like that word."
Oh my goodness!! I still am laughing at this hours later. Daddy is going to love this story when he gets home. Now, let's hope Jackson doesn't love this word TOO much because we will have a big issue on our hands =)
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
F You, Infertility!!
The title speaks for itself. Yes, if infertility was a person, I would kick their ass!!! For some reason or another, we are not all created equally and some of us are robbed of many pleasures in life. One of those robbed pleasures that I have gotten myself so damn invested in ever since being a surrogate is people's struggles with infertility.
I can't help but invest so much of my time taking part in online support groups and communities that not only discuss surrogacy in detail but also infertility struggles at it's worst. I feel for these couples and even though I may never meet them I really feel horrible with some of the pain they endure. I just can't walk away from it all because I know the problem is, and will always be, there.
My friend had very bad news today. After years of struggling to get pregnant, she was informed that her transfer had failed =( I won't go into detail about her story in respect to her and her husband, but I can just tell you that it has been very rough for them. I hate the fact that 2 young and healthy people cannot become parents naturally like we were meant to do. They struggle and will continue to until the day where they will become parents. It is so hard to find the right words to express to my friend and other women who are in her situation. I can't help but feel some sort of guilt; my biggest worry about pregnancy is taking my pill at the exact moment my phone alarm goes off because if I am even 10 minutes late, I will most likely end up pregnant! While some women are going to the bathroom every month praying for their period not to be there and tearing up when they get it, I am in the bathroom feeling a huge sense of relief when Aunt Flo stops in for a visit on time. I am currently reading a book, "How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby", while most women who are struggling could care less about the sex... just as long as it is healthy. I know none of this is my fault, but I just feel horrible...
It really gets me thinking. Is it selfish of me to have more children of my own? I do have 2 amazing boys, and just started planning on when our 3rd should come. But as we are hoping for just one more, there are people out there just hoping for one. I know, I know... me not having another baby isn't going to help another woman have a child, but this is just the guilt I feel. It also gets me thinking that maybe I should think about being a surrogate again sooner then I was originally thinking. I think I am okay with the fact that I may only be allowed 2 more pregnancies at most because I am happy with the children I have now and giving a couple a child would be worth so much.
I really don't know where this is going, but I just want to let all those struggling couples out there know that I understand and I just wish I could go door to door recruiting surrogates (that's not such a bad idea!!). In the meantime, I will try to convince women not to give up and no matter how they get to parenthood, they'll get there and it will all be worth it.
I love you, T!!! Keep up that amazing strength of yours.
I can't help but invest so much of my time taking part in online support groups and communities that not only discuss surrogacy in detail but also infertility struggles at it's worst. I feel for these couples and even though I may never meet them I really feel horrible with some of the pain they endure. I just can't walk away from it all because I know the problem is, and will always be, there.
My friend had very bad news today. After years of struggling to get pregnant, she was informed that her transfer had failed =( I won't go into detail about her story in respect to her and her husband, but I can just tell you that it has been very rough for them. I hate the fact that 2 young and healthy people cannot become parents naturally like we were meant to do. They struggle and will continue to until the day where they will become parents. It is so hard to find the right words to express to my friend and other women who are in her situation. I can't help but feel some sort of guilt; my biggest worry about pregnancy is taking my pill at the exact moment my phone alarm goes off because if I am even 10 minutes late, I will most likely end up pregnant! While some women are going to the bathroom every month praying for their period not to be there and tearing up when they get it, I am in the bathroom feeling a huge sense of relief when Aunt Flo stops in for a visit on time. I am currently reading a book, "How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby", while most women who are struggling could care less about the sex... just as long as it is healthy. I know none of this is my fault, but I just feel horrible...
It really gets me thinking. Is it selfish of me to have more children of my own? I do have 2 amazing boys, and just started planning on when our 3rd should come. But as we are hoping for just one more, there are people out there just hoping for one. I know, I know... me not having another baby isn't going to help another woman have a child, but this is just the guilt I feel. It also gets me thinking that maybe I should think about being a surrogate again sooner then I was originally thinking. I think I am okay with the fact that I may only be allowed 2 more pregnancies at most because I am happy with the children I have now and giving a couple a child would be worth so much.
I really don't know where this is going, but I just want to let all those struggling couples out there know that I understand and I just wish I could go door to door recruiting surrogates (that's not such a bad idea!!). In the meantime, I will try to convince women not to give up and no matter how they get to parenthood, they'll get there and it will all be worth it.
I love you, T!!! Keep up that amazing strength of yours.
Friday, July 15, 2011
I Feel Loved!
I don't think I express it enough, but my IP's (are they even considered IP's anymore?) are the BEST!!! I know there are a lot of you out there who think the same thing about yours, but I don't know how much better this couple can get.
The girls are getting so close to their 1st birthday!! Oh my goodness, can you believe it?!? I really cannot believe how fast the past 10 1/2 months went and sometimes I wish we could do it all over again. Anyway, who doesn't throw a huge 1st birthday party, especially for triplet girls?! These girls have come a long way and a first birthday is something to celebrate. It definitely is a big day for all of us; it was the day when my IP's finally became parents after the LONG struggle and it was a day that fulfilled one of my biggest dreams and gave me a whole new perspective on life. September 2nd is a day to celebrate!! Well, the reason I feel so loved by my IP's is because of the greatest gesture... they were planning for a birthday party a weekend I was out of town for my sister's bachelorette party. As bad as I sound, when they told me the date I was really considering going to the triplets party as well as the bachelorette party (probably missing a lot of that)!! But, then again, only I, or someone like me, would understand how much going to celebrate their birthday means to me. I didn't have to make much of a decision because my IP's changed the date just for me!!! When they told me that, I just about wanted to cry. Okay, so it may not seem like a big deal to you, but this couple has so many friends and family all over the country, but they wanted to make sure me and my family were there before anyone.
I honestly feel so lucky to have them in my life. I remember during the pregnancy, I had no idea how our relationship was going to be after the birth. It was really awkward to discuss and I really had no idea what their intentions were. I decided that taking it day by day would be the best, and it worked out perfectly. We stay in contact often, and I can visit whenever I like. I definitely respect their space and I know they are super busy, so a couple weeks may go by that I don't hear from them which is totally fine and expected. But, if I ever feel like I am missing them (by them, I mean the whole family), I shoot them an email and just ask for an update. They then respond with TONS of pics and updates on the cute and fun things they are doing. I LOVE it!!
If my IP's are reading this, just know how much I love and appreciate everything you do!!
I know there are some surrogates out there who are not as fortunate and I am so sorry. I really could not imagine if communication was cut off and I had no idea how and what they were doing. Yes, Intended Parents have no obligation to maintain an open and ongoing relationship, nor are they responsible for our mental state anymore, but I don't know how any surrogate is just expected to give birth and walk away from a family she created without feeling depressed. There isn't much that can be done in that situation and I feel so bad for these women =( If you are an IP out there, just please take everything into consideration before making any decision when it comes to communication with your surrogate. You truly don't understand how much an ongoing relationship means to us, no matter how big or small it is. Believe me when I say that a surrogate has no intention of taking the motherly role away from you... we just want that constant reassurance that what we did was worth every minute and every struggle and to feel that everlasting appreciation.
The girls are getting so close to their 1st birthday!! Oh my goodness, can you believe it?!? I really cannot believe how fast the past 10 1/2 months went and sometimes I wish we could do it all over again. Anyway, who doesn't throw a huge 1st birthday party, especially for triplet girls?! These girls have come a long way and a first birthday is something to celebrate. It definitely is a big day for all of us; it was the day when my IP's finally became parents after the LONG struggle and it was a day that fulfilled one of my biggest dreams and gave me a whole new perspective on life. September 2nd is a day to celebrate!! Well, the reason I feel so loved by my IP's is because of the greatest gesture... they were planning for a birthday party a weekend I was out of town for my sister's bachelorette party. As bad as I sound, when they told me the date I was really considering going to the triplets party as well as the bachelorette party (probably missing a lot of that)!! But, then again, only I, or someone like me, would understand how much going to celebrate their birthday means to me. I didn't have to make much of a decision because my IP's changed the date just for me!!! When they told me that, I just about wanted to cry. Okay, so it may not seem like a big deal to you, but this couple has so many friends and family all over the country, but they wanted to make sure me and my family were there before anyone.
I honestly feel so lucky to have them in my life. I remember during the pregnancy, I had no idea how our relationship was going to be after the birth. It was really awkward to discuss and I really had no idea what their intentions were. I decided that taking it day by day would be the best, and it worked out perfectly. We stay in contact often, and I can visit whenever I like. I definitely respect their space and I know they are super busy, so a couple weeks may go by that I don't hear from them which is totally fine and expected. But, if I ever feel like I am missing them (by them, I mean the whole family), I shoot them an email and just ask for an update. They then respond with TONS of pics and updates on the cute and fun things they are doing. I LOVE it!!
If my IP's are reading this, just know how much I love and appreciate everything you do!!
I know there are some surrogates out there who are not as fortunate and I am so sorry. I really could not imagine if communication was cut off and I had no idea how and what they were doing. Yes, Intended Parents have no obligation to maintain an open and ongoing relationship, nor are they responsible for our mental state anymore, but I don't know how any surrogate is just expected to give birth and walk away from a family she created without feeling depressed. There isn't much that can be done in that situation and I feel so bad for these women =( If you are an IP out there, just please take everything into consideration before making any decision when it comes to communication with your surrogate. You truly don't understand how much an ongoing relationship means to us, no matter how big or small it is. Believe me when I say that a surrogate has no intention of taking the motherly role away from you... we just want that constant reassurance that what we did was worth every minute and every struggle and to feel that everlasting appreciation.
Monday, July 11, 2011
My Uterus is Like a Harley Ride...
There is one person in my life that knows almost exactly what I went through as a surrogate. This person was there every step of the way; the agency hunt, the IP meet and greet, screenings, contracts, blood work after blood work, first transfer, a phone call that revealed a failed transfer, a second phase of screenings, another IP meet and greet, another transfer, the reveal of triplets, every up and down of the pregnancy, the delivery of the triplets, NICU visits, pumping breast milk several times a day, and now visits with the family I helped create.
My husband was my #1 support throughout the entire surrogacy and without him I really don't know whether I could have done any of it. He should be just as proud of himself as he is of me.
Now that my surrogate journey is over and the past is behind us, I think about what the future holds in terms of another surrogacy. I feel like I have so many pros and cons of the entire process running through my mind every hour of the day. I don't necessarily share these feelings much with anyone. In a way, I am just trying to avoid over reactive comments from family and friends. In other words, many people will think I'm crazy:
"You already were a surrogate, so why do you need to do it again?"
"You hated the pregnancy."
"You really want to put your family through that again?"
"Wasn't helping one family enough?"
"What about having your own children?"
"Are you ever going to stop?"
"Do you think this is good for your body?"
There are so many answers to these questions, but I am really sick of answering them. So, I keep my thoughts to myself about a second journey and if/when the time comes where I want to do it again, I will deal with the annoyances then.
BUT, I don't keep anything from my husband. I completely understand and respect his opinion about me doing another surrogacy. He can never forget those scary moments in the delivery room where my life was at risk. Losing 20 times the normal amount of blood would be scary for anyone. So many things went through his head as I lay there, fading in and out, holding my lifeless hand as 25+ doctors and nurses were screaming and running in and out of the delivery room. If you know my husband you know how emotional and touchy he can get about the talk of death. From the moment I came out of surgery, he stated that he never wanted to think or talk about the delivery again; that was the scariest thing that ever happened to him.
I understand where he is coming from. But I am not too sure he completely understands what I feel about it deep down inside. The last time we had this conversation, a light bulb went off in my head!! My uterus is like a Harley Ride...
I hate the fact that my husband has a motorcycle. He purchased his Harley Davidson when our oldest was just beginning to walk and I was pregnant with our youngest. I didn't like the idea, but after much convincing, I allowed him to get one. He LOVES to ride. As a woman, I can't really understand or relate. As time went on, he did have a few scary incidents that could have ended badly if he didn't make the quick decisions he had made in the moment. Every time I would hear of or see a motorcyclist dead on the rode because of another careless driver, I think of how that could have been him. I remind him all of the time that he has a family and maybe having a motorcycle isn't such a good idea anymore. But, as the discussion always ends, this is his passion and he promises me nothing will ever happen to him.
So, here I am with a passion of surrogacy that can be very risky (in some people's minds). My husband wasn't so hot on the idea of me being a surrogate until I did MY convincing and got him on board. From then, he was fine with the idea and even enjoyed being apart of the entire process. As a man, he cannot understand completely the thrill I got from carrying 3 babies for another family no matter how difficult it was at times. It's impossible for him to know what emotions come into play during and after a pregnancy, especially as a surrogate mother. Most of my emotions are unexplainable; it takes being a surrogate to completely understand. Yes, I put my life at risk just like he does every time he hops on that bike. Yes, there is no guarantee that I won't be pregnant with triplets again just like there is no guarantee that there won't be any stupid drivers around him during his ride. Yes, people die in child birth on occasion just like people die on motorcycle rides. Yes, being a surrogate is my passion just like riding is his.
I think I put things into perspective for him and he can now relate more then ever. I haven't seen a FOR SALE sign on his bike yet, so I know being a surrogate again isn't out of the question. I would never make a decision to become a surrogate without his full support, and I don't want to have to beg and plead. I think over time he will come around if this is what I still really want. But until then, I want him to be able to forget what happened in the past and give him time to heal from that emotional experience. I love my husband more than anything in this world and he will always be my number one support.
Love you, Honey!!
My husband was my #1 support throughout the entire surrogacy and without him I really don't know whether I could have done any of it. He should be just as proud of himself as he is of me.
Now that my surrogate journey is over and the past is behind us, I think about what the future holds in terms of another surrogacy. I feel like I have so many pros and cons of the entire process running through my mind every hour of the day. I don't necessarily share these feelings much with anyone. In a way, I am just trying to avoid over reactive comments from family and friends. In other words, many people will think I'm crazy:
"You already were a surrogate, so why do you need to do it again?"
"You hated the pregnancy."
"You really want to put your family through that again?"
"Wasn't helping one family enough?"
"What about having your own children?"
"Are you ever going to stop?"
"Do you think this is good for your body?"
There are so many answers to these questions, but I am really sick of answering them. So, I keep my thoughts to myself about a second journey and if/when the time comes where I want to do it again, I will deal with the annoyances then.
BUT, I don't keep anything from my husband. I completely understand and respect his opinion about me doing another surrogacy. He can never forget those scary moments in the delivery room where my life was at risk. Losing 20 times the normal amount of blood would be scary for anyone. So many things went through his head as I lay there, fading in and out, holding my lifeless hand as 25+ doctors and nurses were screaming and running in and out of the delivery room. If you know my husband you know how emotional and touchy he can get about the talk of death. From the moment I came out of surgery, he stated that he never wanted to think or talk about the delivery again; that was the scariest thing that ever happened to him.
I understand where he is coming from. But I am not too sure he completely understands what I feel about it deep down inside. The last time we had this conversation, a light bulb went off in my head!! My uterus is like a Harley Ride...
I hate the fact that my husband has a motorcycle. He purchased his Harley Davidson when our oldest was just beginning to walk and I was pregnant with our youngest. I didn't like the idea, but after much convincing, I allowed him to get one. He LOVES to ride. As a woman, I can't really understand or relate. As time went on, he did have a few scary incidents that could have ended badly if he didn't make the quick decisions he had made in the moment. Every time I would hear of or see a motorcyclist dead on the rode because of another careless driver, I think of how that could have been him. I remind him all of the time that he has a family and maybe having a motorcycle isn't such a good idea anymore. But, as the discussion always ends, this is his passion and he promises me nothing will ever happen to him.
So, here I am with a passion of surrogacy that can be very risky (in some people's minds). My husband wasn't so hot on the idea of me being a surrogate until I did MY convincing and got him on board. From then, he was fine with the idea and even enjoyed being apart of the entire process. As a man, he cannot understand completely the thrill I got from carrying 3 babies for another family no matter how difficult it was at times. It's impossible for him to know what emotions come into play during and after a pregnancy, especially as a surrogate mother. Most of my emotions are unexplainable; it takes being a surrogate to completely understand. Yes, I put my life at risk just like he does every time he hops on that bike. Yes, there is no guarantee that I won't be pregnant with triplets again just like there is no guarantee that there won't be any stupid drivers around him during his ride. Yes, people die in child birth on occasion just like people die on motorcycle rides. Yes, being a surrogate is my passion just like riding is his.
I think I put things into perspective for him and he can now relate more then ever. I haven't seen a FOR SALE sign on his bike yet, so I know being a surrogate again isn't out of the question. I would never make a decision to become a surrogate without his full support, and I don't want to have to beg and plead. I think over time he will come around if this is what I still really want. But until then, I want him to be able to forget what happened in the past and give him time to heal from that emotional experience. I love my husband more than anything in this world and he will always be my number one support.
Love you, Honey!!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Happy Birthday to My Little Lover, Jackson!!
I know this is not entirely surrogacy related, but I wanted to wish my oldest son, Jackson, a very happy 4th birthday today!! This guy has changed my life in so many ways. When he first came into my life, I instantly fell in love. I never knew I could love someone the way I love him. He made me a mommy and I couldn't be happier with the relationship we share. He is the biggest little lover you will ever meet; there is not a day that goes by where my day is not filled with lots of hugs and kisses. I love you, Jack!!
24 hours of labor SUCKED! And after pushing a 10 1/2 pound baby out,
I NEVER want to do that again!
This was THE BIGGEST baby in the NICU! He had a little infection =(
Me and Jack, just days old
Now Jackson (left) is 4 and his best friend is
his little brother, Max!
So handsome at his bowling party
Nice job!!
Thanks CaliCakery!! (Oh, wait, that's me!!)
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