Rocky Emotions...

So, after some people read my latest blog post, they got a little worried.  I did realize the amount of frustration and misery I expressed, but the purpose of this blog is for me to be able to share my experience without holding anything back.  Honestly, I am in a very bizarre situation and being able to express myself to the fullest helps in so many ways.

Although my body has completely reached it's maximum, I know God wouldn't give me more than I couldn't handle.  I really have no idea how my body is going to react to the next several weeks to come, and that makes me really nervous.

I know everyone says I'm doing great and will make it through this, but they have no idea what it is doing to others around me.  I have the best supporters here at home; I'm so thankful for everything they have done for me in this time of need, but I can see how it is effecting our relationships.

My husband has never been more appreciated.  I have been a total wicked person in the past couple months, I have no idea how he has handled it.  He has been my last priority lately and I can't believe I let it get to that point.  It is impossible for me to take care of myself while being a stay-at-home mother and a really good wife.  There is just not enough energy.  I know this is only temporary, but it is going to take a lot of work to mend what I have broken.  I love him more and more every day and I know after this experience, we can get through anything.

My sister, my best friend, my nanny... she has become my right hand whenever I need her.  Without her I could not survive while my husband is at work.  We have definitely gotten to know each other more than I have ever imagined... and that isn't always good!!  She has seen me at my worst, and all I can be thankful for is how forgiving she is.  She treats my boys like they are her own, and I will never be able to thank her enough.  I hope after all of this, our relationship can go back to the way it used to be.

Lastly, and most upsetting for me, is the way my boys have been changed.  My boys are so young (Jack just turned 3 today and Max is approaching 2), so they absolutely have no idea what is going on.  They used to be the most well behaved children, but due to the fact that their lives have suddenly been dramatically altered, all the parental success I had has now vanished.  There is no stability in their schedules anymore, they have multiple people telling them what do and when to do it, and they notice my daily frustrations that sometimes I can't help but control.  These guys are so innocent in this whole thing and I feel horrible letting it lead to a change in their lives.  That's the last thing I wanted to happen going into surrogacy, but I have to do the best that I can when this is all over.  I know it will be a challenge for me to get them back in focus with mommy, but I'm a stubborn person and I will not give up on these guys... they mean way too much to me.

This whole experience has tested a lot of patience for me and my loved ones.  I am physically and emotionally exhausted, but I find a way to keep on as best as I can.  I hope one day I can look back on this and say I miss it (maybe??).

So, please don't think I'm a raging ball of hormones waiting to explode... I do have happy days and am really proud of how far I have come.  We have a big milestone on Friday... 24 weeks!!!  I will update on the girls' health after our appointment and hopefully I will still be off of bed rest.