Well, you have heard about all of the emotional and physical pain I have conquered so far. I really thought things couldn't get any worse until this past week. You know, I see it like this: some women have a pretty manageable time carrying triplets, but they have lots of medical issues and have the babies pretty early, and then there are women (like me) who have one of the healthiest triplet pregnancies but just get the worst symptoms ever imaginable. I guess you can't have your cake (blahhhh, food!) and eat it too!!!
The weight in my belly is nearly KILLING me!! The babies have definitely dropped and it feels as if a bowling ball is resting inside me, nearing the south exit. Yesterday, I really felt as if something was going to drop out!! I had to look down there to make sure that wasn't happening!! I can't walk with my legs together because it really feels as if I am squishing a head and the pain is so unbearable. My nausea has come back at full force, just as bad as first trimester. Dinner is the worst and most times as I am chewing I start to gag, holding in the vomit. The Zofran prescribed to me does nothing but make me tired. One positive thing prescribed to me is the Ambien... I now sleep much more soundly. Don't get me wrong- I still wake up every 30 minutes to alter my position, but I don't have episodes where I stay up for hours on end not being able to sleep.
Strict bed rest has been near impossible. I don't even think chaining me to the bed could keep me down all day!! Yes, if I didn't have 2 toddlers and a husband who worked 70 hours a week, I could lay in bed all day without a care in the world. Besides having mommy responsibilities, the nerves in back have horrible episodes... if I don't immediately stand up to walk off the sudden jolt of pain, my body would be frozen in it's exact position for who knows how long. I'm not running a mini marathon every day or anything and I am resting as much as I can. I NEVER go anywhere (okay, I'm guilty of a 5 minute car ride with my family the other day just to get out of the house), but getting up out of bed once in a while is better for me and everyone... trust me!!!
I think this guy is the only one who enjoys the bed rest! It's so weird how he can sense when I am pregnant. He loves laying on my big belly!! However, Dodger isn't a fan of me bringing home babies!! He definitely is regressing, doing bad things all of a sudden. If only he could understand that these babies aren't coming home with me!!
Now for the emotional journey...
I have never had days where I hated myself so much before. This pregnancy is definitely getting to my emotions and I honestly cannot say how much more I can mentally take. Everyone can see how much physical pain I am in, but I cannot express enough how much my mind has been effected. There is not a day that goes by that I don't shed tears. There is nothing I want more in the world than to have these babies. Yes, I am very concerned about their health and want to make it to that 32 week milestone, but I just don't have any fight left in me. I can't pretend that I am happy anymore. I do not smile or laugh, and "looking at the bright side of things" is far past me. I can't sit here and accept the ongoing encouragement from family, friends, and even strangers... I greatly appreciate everyone's support, but I'm breaking down here and I have gotten to the point where I know I am the only one that can get me through this, whether that is happily or not. I know this will be over soon, yes I know!!! But everyday has been a sacrifice, everyday has been a struggle, everyday has broken my family little by little. It's all added up to one BIG mess and I am just holding on to that very last bit to hold us together.
SACRIFICE... I hate that word. I don't know why, I just do. Although I have sacrificed many things in my past, it has NEVER been to this extreme. And to sacrifice so much for 2 people that were perfect strangers less than a year ago is hard to accept. But, I'm a surrogate and that's the challenge we are faced with everyday that we do this...
My youngest sister got engaged, and because of my emotional and physical instability, I had to miss her engagement party. I'm sure she will never let me live that one down =(
Maxwell (my youngest) had his first day of mommy-and-me preschool, and both mommy and me could not attend.
My husband's best friend (a couple we have known since high school) are getting married in 2 weeks, my husband a groomsman, and by the looks of it, I will not be able to go. My husband will go dateless to the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and celebration brunch.
My little man (3 year old son) starts real preschool for the first time the first week of September. I really have no idea how I am going to feel if I miss him walking through the gates to his teacher for the very first time. As a mom, this is what I work and strive for. Kids only have one day of their VERY first day of school. I can't say what is going to happen in the next few weeks, but I am holding onto that small hope that I will be there.
There are so many more things that I could tell you about that I have passed up for the health of these babies. Yes- birthday parties, playdates, family dinners, shopping days with the girls, and other little things can soon be in the past and forgotten. But, if you really look at the big picture, I am letting my family down more than anyone. My boys had no choice in me becoming a surrogate and everyday seems like a punishment for them. Jackson realizes the pain I encounter everyday and he can see it on my face. I try not to let him see me cry, but when he does he asks "Mommy, are the babies hurt? Are they making you sad??" That is a horrible thing to hear from a 3 year old and sadly he senses my pain. My husband has supported me since day one, but if he knew this pregnancy was going to bring this much on me, I don't think he would have agreed. He has been my rock and without him I couldn't have survived any of this. But, he never asked for this amount of stress and worry. His wife is in a painful situation and he feels completely helpless that he cannot get me out of it.
So, to my family that I have continued to let down because of this challenge God has thrown my way, I am sorry. This wasn't supposed to happen this way, but life is full of challenges and as a family we will get through them all. I wish this journey was easier on us all and all I can say now is.... WE ARE ALMOST THERE!!!!!
If my IP's are out there reading this, please try to understand. I know you have had to deal with more complaining than anyone can imagine and you have been the greatest support. You deserve a family just as much as anyone in the world and I cannot wait to see you holding your 3 little girls. I know the pregnancy is only temporary and will soon be a thing of the past. You will have 3 lives to last a lifetime and I couldn't imagine better parents for them. I'm hanging in there for you and I am not giving up. I promise to give you the 3 healthiest babies that I can!!
29 weeks... Clothes do not fit anymore!!!
I have no updates on the babies. We have an appointment this Tuesday so I will be sure to post that night to keep everyone updated on their health!! Praying for good news and to keep us out of the hospital.