There is one person in my life that knows almost exactly what I went through as a surrogate. This person was there every step of the way; the agency hunt, the IP meet and greet, screenings, contracts, blood work after blood work, first transfer, a phone call that revealed a failed transfer, a second phase of screenings, another IP meet and greet, another transfer, the reveal of triplets, every up and down of the pregnancy, the delivery of the triplets, NICU visits, pumping breast milk several times a day, and now visits with the family I helped create.
My husband was my #1 support throughout the entire surrogacy and without him I really don't know whether I could have done any of it. He should be just as proud of himself as he is of me.
Now that my surrogate journey is over and the past is behind us, I think about what the future holds in terms of another surrogacy. I feel like I have so many pros and cons of the entire process running through my mind every hour of the day. I don't necessarily share these feelings much with anyone. In a way, I am just trying to avoid over reactive comments from family and friends. In other words, many people will think I'm crazy:
"You already were a surrogate, so why do you need to do it again?"
"You hated the pregnancy."
"You really want to put your family through that again?"
"Wasn't helping one family enough?"
"What about having your own children?"
"Are you ever going to stop?"
"Do you think this is good for your body?"
There are so many answers to these questions, but I am really sick of answering them. So, I keep my thoughts to myself about a second journey and if/when the time comes where I want to do it again, I will deal with the annoyances then.
BUT, I don't keep anything from my husband. I completely understand and respect his opinion about me doing another surrogacy. He can never forget those scary moments in the delivery room where my life was at risk. Losing 20 times the normal amount of blood would be scary for anyone. So many things went through his head as I lay there, fading in and out, holding my lifeless hand as 25+ doctors and nurses were screaming and running in and out of the delivery room. If you know my husband you know how emotional and touchy he can get about the talk of death. From the moment I came out of surgery, he stated that he never wanted to think or talk about the delivery again; that was the scariest thing that ever happened to him.
I understand where he is coming from. But I am not too sure he completely understands what I feel about it deep down inside. The last time we had this conversation, a light bulb went off in my head!!
My uterus is like a Harley Ride...
I hate the fact that my husband has a motorcycle. He purchased his Harley Davidson when our oldest was just beginning to walk and I was pregnant with our youngest. I didn't like the idea, but after much convincing, I allowed him to get one. He LOVES to ride. As a woman, I can't really understand or relate. As time went on, he did have a few scary incidents that could have ended badly if he didn't make the quick decisions he had made in the moment. Every time I would hear of or see a motorcyclist dead on the rode because of another careless driver, I think of how that could have been him. I remind him all of the time that he has a family and maybe having a motorcycle isn't such a good idea anymore. But, as the discussion always ends, this is his passion and he promises me nothing will ever happen to him.
So, here I am with a passion of surrogacy that can be very risky (in some people's minds). My husband wasn't so hot on the idea of me being a surrogate until I did MY convincing and got him on board. From then, he was fine with the idea and even enjoyed being apart of the entire process. As a man, he cannot understand completely the thrill I got from carrying 3 babies for another family no matter how difficult it was at times. It's impossible for him to know what emotions come into play during and after a pregnancy, especially as a surrogate mother. Most of my emotions are unexplainable; it takes being a surrogate to completely understand. Yes, I put my life at risk just like he does every time he hops on that bike. Yes, there is no guarantee that I won't be pregnant with triplets again just like there is no guarantee that there won't be any stupid drivers around him during his ride. Yes, people die in child birth on occasion just like people die on motorcycle rides. Yes, being a surrogate is my passion just like riding is his.
I think I put things into perspective for him and he can now relate more then ever. I haven't seen a FOR SALE sign on his bike yet, so I know being a surrogate again isn't out of the question. I would never make a decision to become a surrogate without his full support, and I don't want to have to beg and plead. I think over time he will come around if this is what I still really want. But until then, I want him to be able to forget what happened in the past and give him time to heal from that emotional experience. I love my husband more than anything in this world and he will always be my number one support.
Love you, Honey!!
